Your ESL Horoscope
ARIES: Your thinking is solid and heavy today. Don’t let your Mathayom students put caterpillars in your hair or conjugate any verbs in your presence. You might need to modify your strategy, but not your lesson plan. Stay away from klongs and fried
broad beans. Romantic entanglements will be strong, but not productive. Seek harmony through a visa run.
TAURUS: All your bull-like qualities will come out today if you visit a china shop. You may think that something is wrong when it isn’t but you still feel like it’s wrong but don’t let that fool you because nothing at all is wrong,
since it’s just a foolish feeling that comes from eating too much sticky rice while getting a foot massage. But you already knew that, so why not ignore the past tense in class and move on to pair work?
GEMINI: Your sensitive nature will pick up a disturbance in the Force. Use it to silence the insistent ringing of student cell phones. These can be disheartening, but remember that he who laughs last laughs least. New knowledge will come to you via the
Thai MOE, which will convince you to become a rodeo clown in Wyoming by the end of the year.
CANCER: You might experience a low pressure area in the room above your apartment. If you are renting a house you may have a significant interaction with cockchafers. Laundry will be an issue today, as it will all come back ironed inside out. Assigning
homework is not a good idea today because your students are all going to Chiang Mai for the weekend, and you want them to bring you back some pretty parasols, don’t you?
LEO: It could be difficult for you to think straight today. Or any other day, as long as those tour buses keep passing your house every night at 2am. Avoid confusion by separating yourself from the drama around you; in other words, fall asleep during
your afternoon class. Teach only those things you know to be true, and boring. Keep originality to yourself, and remember that Rome wasn’t built in a day and the Thai cops are going to continue to give you 200 baht tickets for not wearing
your motorcycle helmet when you drive down your own soi.
VIRGO: Freedom is a key aspect of your life today. So is whiteboard cleaner. And wall geckos. Your rented motorcycle will take you places today that you never dreamed of, like the fish market. Stock up on St. John’s Prickly Heat Powder. That busted
fan in your classroom means less than your relationship with your bar tab.
LIBRA: People are apt to be as stubborn as you are today. This will be a good day to hone your Muay Thai boxing skills. Don’t automatically assume that people have to agree with your viewpoint in order to achieve Nirvana. Accept the fact that a
long soccer game is better than a short taxi cab ride in Bangkok.
SCORPIO: You could find yourself staring at a stranger just one second longer today as you pass them in the street. This means you are liable to fall into an open manhole cover. That free lunch you’re getting at school turns out to have a great
cost in Milk of Magnesia. You’re being pulled in several different directions at once, and your appetite for the bizarre is in the ascendant today. If you are asked to team teach, jump out the nearest window.
SAGITTARIUS: As you work towards your goals you will be hindered by a sense of humidity. Do not throw away that old pair of flip flops. Invest in a dozen new handkerchiefs. Arrange a trip to Koh Samet with someone you want to draw closer to, or wish to
have neutered. You can’t possibly plan for everything, so let the water buffalo of your mind run free and untrammeled. Your school is having a paid holiday today, but you won’t know that until you show up at a deserted courtyard.
Then will be time enough to do the bunny hope.
CAPRICORN: Be more expressive about how you feel. Feel the English grammar flow from you into your students, don’t try to force it down their throats the way it was forced down yours as a child. Always remember that there are more ways than one
to skin a cat or to spell it. Make sure you incorporate your emotions and instincts into your lesson plan, and don’t be afraid to experiment with paper airplanes.
AQUARIUS: Today may be filled with twists, turns, and bends in the road that you may not be prepared for – so why did you get on that bus to Khon Kaen in the first place? Anyway – your passion for backpacking is returning as your ESL students
become more and more distant and unresponsive. Stop teaching with gum in your mouth! Someone makes fun of you for saying ‘crisps’ instead of ‘potato chips’. Just tell yourself that a critic is someone who pulls wings
off of flies . . . and then eats them.
PISCES: Don’t be afraid to explore strange realms today, because they could give you important insight into the minds of your Anuban students. Have your students repeat the ancient mantra ‘eenie meenie miny moh’ until they can catch
a tiger by the toe. When your students holler, let them go. You go, too. In fact, we’ll all go.