I Get Five Dollars For Writing This
Hi. My name is Stephen D. Torkildson, and my granpa Tim is paying me five whole dollars to write a bunch of stuff here for him. He sez all I gotta do is mention a lot of things about Thailand and teaching and some place called
TEFL International, just so it all adds up to about 800 words, cuz he sez he is so busy this morning going to the beach to collect sea shells he don’t have time to write it himself.
It was real fun to have him come visit me and Mom from Thailand, so I said I’d do it – but after watching him while he was here I made sure he talked to my Mom and promised he’d really send the five dollars. He may be my granpa,
but he sure don’t like to spend money . . .
I’m eight years old and my mom sez I’m smart for my age. Granpa Tim sez I probly got that from him, cuz he is so smart in Thailand that they pay him a million baht a month just to teach a few English lessons. I looked
up what a baht is, and I don’t think he is really getting paid a million of ‘em each month. My Mom says he was always a big talker, so I gotta take everything he sez with a grain of salt. My Mom says the ocean is so salty just cuz
he swims in it every day in Thailand.
When granpa Tim came to visit us he would stand by the kitchen sink and drink 2 or 3 glasses of water right from the tap and say that you can’t do that in Thailand cuz the pipes is all broken up and the water comes out dirty.
He ate about a thousand steaks, too. He sez you can’t get good beef in Thailand, that all they serve you is water buffalo and it is so tough you have to run it through a paper shredder before you can cook it.
He took me to a Thrift Store for my birthday and told me I could pick out anything I wanted. Big deal. Nothin’ was more than 4 dollars in that place. Then he got all excited cuz he wanted to buy everything in the store and ship it to Thailand so
he could make about a hundred-thousand dollars. The Thais would be crazy about those jeans and nylon blouses and stuff he called chaa-chi I think (which he explained to me is junk, but junk that people like to have around the house). But then
he got to figuring the shipping costs and that made him grouchy, so he wouldn’t even take me to Dairy Queen afterwards, just kept sayin’ that if we were in Thailand he would buy me mango smoothies until they ran out my ears and it
wouldn’t cost an arm and a leg, neither.
My granpa Tim sure has some funny ideas about the girls in Thailand. He asked me did I have a girlfriend, so I told him no – girls are yucky. They just argue with you and when you sock them they run away to their moms and you
get in trouble. Well, sez granpa Tim, someday pretty soon I’m gonna start liking girls and then I’ll wish I was in Thailand for sure, cuz over there they are all skinny and pretty and like to be seen with far-wrongs
(that’s what he sez the Thailand people call a foreigner).
Granpa Tim, he sez he has had a dozen different Thailand girlfriends since he moved over there permanently and that each one was both a delight and a headache, but mostly a delight and only a headache when they wanted money, which
was every other day cuz they don’t know how to save money and they think every far-wrong is a rich millionaire who is holding out on ‘em. He sez they won’t kiss or hold hands in public, but it’s a better story (or maybe
he said it was a different story – I don’t exactly remember) when they are in private, and that even if you can’t trust them you can still appreciate them.
When I asked him if he was gonna marry a Thailand lady, so I could have a Thailand granma, he just laughed and asked me how my school work was going.
I kinda think I wouldn’t mind being an English teacher in Thailand when I grow up. Granpa Tim sez the money is okay and you get to eat as much shrimp fried rice as you want – which is my favorite Chinese dish in the
whole world and if they have it in Thailand too then I won’t even care that they don’t have pizza, which granpa sez they always put ketchup on and spoil with things like green peas and tuna fish.
Granpa Tim sez the USA is going to H-E-double-toothpick in a hand basket, so I better think seriously about being an English teacher overseas, cuz that may be the only job a guy can get without staying in college for 20-million years
and racking up a student loan the size of Bolivia.
But I’ll tell ya one thing, I ain’t gonna have nothing to do with Thai girls. If they try to kiss me I’ll sock ‘em so hard their elephant will feel it!
Okay, granpa Tim, that’s my 8-hundred words. Mom sez you can send the money by Western Union.