Teacher Tim's TEFL International Blog October 22nd, 2011

A Visit To The DoctorRomance In Thailand; How To Break It Off (The Romance, That Is!)

As an ESL teacher in Thailand you will find that cupid and cupidity are closely aligned. I don’t mean to be cynical or denounce the delights of l’amour—far from it! In past blogs I may have portrayed myself as a sputtering nincompoop when it comes to romancing the ladies, but that was merely for comic effect.

The truth of the matter is that the fairer sex melts over my debonair looks and manner. Strolling down a soi in my white cricket ducks, Ray-Bans coolly reflecting the admiring glances of the inhabitants, I am often mistaken for Brad Pitt or Bilbo the Hobbit. I have merely to lift a beckoning pinky and the ladies come a-runnin’. Modesty forbids me stating how many have succumbed to the ravishment of my manly demeanor, but I cannot deny I have left a trail of broken hearts (and IOU’s) from Chiang Rai to Hua Hin.

So today, kiddies, I’m going to teach you how to shake a clinging Thai girlfriend loose, to – in the ringing words of Churchill – toss them aside like a pair of soiled gloves, once you are done with them.

Heartless, you say?

Cruel and sexist, you insist?

Balderdash!

Thai women are, above all, practical. They have to be. Thai men, if left to their own devices, would soon have the whole country turned back into a malarial swamp. It’s the Thai women who work, mostly behind the scenes, to fuel the fertile mercantile climate that has made Thailand a byword among nations for wheeling & dealing.

That brazen Thai bargirl you hope to reform; that demure coed at Chulalongkorn University who is giving you Thai lessons and who you are hoping to bring out of her shell; even that Thai widow who owns a profitable business and/or rice paddy and who has had you over for dinner several times now – they all have one standard rallying cry: SHOW ME THE MONEY!

If you attempt to simply tell your gf that “it’s over”, you will find a tigress on your hands – and possibly a knife in your back. There are smoother ways of doing this, mon frère.

The easiest way to break off a relationship with a Thai woman, while it is in its early stages, is simply to ask to borrow some money from her.

“Hey, sweetheart, can you loan me ten-thousand baht to pay off my bar tab? I promise I’ll pay you back next Friday.”

You probably will not be able to finish this request before she is out the door and gone from your life.

This doesn’t work if you are in a long-term relationship. That means more than six months. By that time your Thai inamorata will have developed feelings for you and your earning potential.

I wanted to get rid of a Thai gf I had been with for just under a year, and tried the old “Loan me some money, please” gambit on her. She actually went out and pawned her gold necklace, proudly presenting me with the cash.

A bit awkward, that was.

To put the kibosh on a long-term relationship with a Thai woman you must introduce something so disgusting and objectionable that they will have no choice but to drop you like a microwaved potato.

You can, of course, tell the gf you intend on bringing home a “mia noi”, that is, a second wife. This is standard procedure for Thai men, once they get a little money in the bank (thanks to their first wife’s budgeting prowess). But be prepared for the gf to call your bluff. After all, she knows how much you are worth, down to the last satang, and whether or not you can truly afford a second wife. If she thinks you can afford it, she may shrug her shoulders and accept the second female, not as a rival, but as someone to do the housework for her.

You can simply run away – starting a new job and new life in some other jungwat, and hope she doesn’t track you down. But you may wind up doing this as often as a visa run.

No. What I recommend is to play on the Thai’s inbred hatred for their nearest neighbors, such as the Burmese.

When the time comes to sunder the bonds that have held you to a Thai woman for some time, simply stroll into the house and announce: “I think I’ll make my next visa run to Rangoon – I hear the temples there are fantastic, even better than Bangkok.”

Your significant other will give you the stink eye, but good.

When you come back from Rangoon, make sure to bring lots of bric-a-brac to put around the living room, and then go for the jugular.

“Those Burmese are darn nice people. I’ve decided to learn their language. I’m having a Burmese come over 3 times a week to give me lessons.”

Batten down the hatches and prepare for a typhoon of abuse and hand-wringing. But stand firm, comrade! No self-respecting Thai will ever allow a Burmese to darken their door, or their boyfriend’s door. Just keep your mouth shut and the desired ultimatum will come: If any dirty Burmese ever sets a foot in here I’m leaving!

There you are, chum. Look appropriately stricken and remorseful, and then bid her good-bye.

Who says racism is such a bad thing?