Stickman Readers' Submissions February 13th, 2023

Greng Jai 4 (cont)

So, tonsilitis or some other “-itis” from licking out the excellent pool player and bar girl Pui from Hot Tuna Bar, Sin City Sept 2006. Not a good start to life in Sin City. Luckily, unlike the UK, anti-biotics can be bought from any pharmacy in Thailand. Gotta love that! If it was Scotland I would’ve had a 2 week wait just for the fuckin doctor’s appointment.

I force myself to walk across the road to the pharmacy and ignore the “sexy man, where you go?” siren calls from the bars opposite and beside my hotel. As said before, if memory serves, it was The Dolphin Guest House on Soi 8 .. I think. Still in my sex crazed haze I genuinely, seriously, actually still considered getting a girl that same night! So far gone, I was (ok, then, Yoda!)

He Clinic Bangkok

Rest, electrolytes and club sandwiches pulled me through the worst and two days later I was ready to hit Walking Street again. I still had thousands of pounds (the aforementioned bank loan), mostly in Traveller’s Cheques (google it, young padawans). 70 baht to the pound as well back then in 2006 .. now 40 fuckin baht! I think Karl the American guy I’d met on the bus down had maybe fucked off for the islands, as he doesn’t feature in any more of my memories except for the first night .. and then only as a bit part player/ extra. Wallpaper, he was, basically, fairly boring, but at least he was another human to walk into a bar with so that you didn’t look/ feel like a complete prick!

The next memory I have of Pattaya is the three-some! On most people’s bucket-lists and certainly on mine. I’ve had another at home (not paid for) since that one in Sin City, but both were not up to the porn standards that you always have set in your head beforehand .. how could they? No memory of what bar or how I chose these girls, but I do remember walking back up through Walking Street (appropriately enough) and feeling like a fuckin King! A dirty, debauched, horny King .. but, a King nonetheless.

In the room I take the girls into the shower, or try to. “My sister” I hear for the first, and not the last time that night .. or in the LoS. So I’m in the shower and one girl will come in there at a time with me, not two .. and certainly not two kissing and licking and .. you get my point! Then one girl would leave the shower .. and her “sister” would come in, some kissing and licking etc, but not the porn threesome shower I was expecting/ hoping/ p(r)aying for. Then we hit the bedroom, towels off and everything (I think). The porn fantasy in my head is still a possibility, at this point. My expectations are still high. Some of the details are fuzzy and lost due to time .. and alcohol haze, but whilst fuckin one girl I try to get the other to kiss (or lick) the other .. “My sister. Cannot!” Fuck me! How I maintained my hard-on right through this entire debacle is a testament to my love for Asian women, as I’m pretty sure if a Farang woman/ women pulled this shit I would be softer than … a very soft thing!

CBD bangkok

So, still trying to salvage the fantasy I pull out of one girl and go to start fuckin the other girl .. nope! “Must change condom!” Seriously? Fuck me! Looking back, fair play to these health conscious young hookers, but, IN THE MOMENT! AT THAT EXACT FUCKIN TIME? It was just road (cock) block after road (cock) block .. & STILL I stayed hard! Honestly, the superhuman effort of concentration THAT would have required with Farang girls would’ve been off the fuckin charts, but here .. in Thailand, with these little brown skinned wonders? .. I’m a human towel rack! At full attention, holding conversations and high level negotiations with no problem at all. New rules here, for sure. A new me here, for sure too!

So, I have a pack of three, or whatever, and change condoms and start fuckin the other girl. Her “sister” at that point? Not sure, to be honest. I was probably multi-tasking as was my new remit and trying to get her to lick her sister or .. do some fuckin thing erotic! This WAS my porn film fantasy, after all. I change back to the other “sister” again .. and change condoms, of course .. a fresh one, jeezus! I’m not an animal, for fuck’s sake! Knowing we are on the final condom (& bored/ pissed off by the shenanigans) I determined to finish in this one (I’m a romantic, what can I say?). I must’ve told the “sisters” this as next the other one is on her knees … wait for it! .. at the side of the bed … Boo!! … and actually clapping along whilst I fuck her “sister”! She kept time, like a human metronome! One clap (not THAT type of “clap,” luckily! Condoms etc) per pelvic thrust. She basically cheered me along to the finish line. Bizarre!

Total cost was 2,000 baht for the girls (1K each) & 400 baht bar fine total. Nowadays? I’ve honestly no idea. At least double and (going by Stickman’s column) possibly treble that! I don’t go to girly bars anymore .. or, VERY rarely go and I have to be drunk as shit and with someone else who suggested it. I DO still like the IDEA that hookers can be bought and not far from where I am, but now when I get the urge to go I’ll generally just have a wank & think happily afterwards just how much money that saved me. Try it, … if you don’t already! THAT’s maybe the reason for less sexpat/ sex tourist business these days (not just that the girls are definitely uglier & less fun and no “girlfriend experience”), but all the Farang men are just having cost saving wanks .. and patting ourselves on the back afterwards over how much money we just saved .. washing our hands first, of course! Also, no small talk, awkward ‘how to get them to leave’ scenarios .. & no cuddling necessary .. win, win, win, win, win! I did always like Charlie Sheen’s response to an interviewer who asked him why, as a rich amd famous Hollywood movie star, “he paid for sex?” The bold Charlie’s response? “I don’t pay them for sex, I pay them to leave!” Legend.

How I managed to keep it up (in more ways than one) during that entire debacle is testament to the powers of the Thai (Asian) female and the grip that they can have over me (us?). To compare it to my porn fantasy threesome it was a shambles, but porn fantasies are just that, fantasies! You’ll never find porno lesbians up for a threesome. Most lesbians I have actually met resemble more the short hair and dungarees stereotype. Although, nowadays there is a new generation of beautiful young lesbians out there. Some of the football (soccer) teams have some lovely girls and the percentages show that maybe half could be ‘playing for the other side,’ so to speak. There’s a whole new generation that have grown up with the internet, and internet porn, of course! A whole new generation willing to try/ experiment in ways that my ‘porno mag found in a bush’ (with photos of girls’ vintage 70s bushes) generation never did. Lucky young cunts!

wonderland clinic

And what of my other threesome, I hear you ask? Or not! Well, that was at home and free, but still included quantities of alcohol, of course. It was Christmas or Boxing Day and the neighbour down the road (who I’d had sex with already) had invited me for a drink. She had (has) a daughter of 18 at the time (I’m now not sure what threesome came first, if you’ll pardon the pun!). Anyway, the daughter (pretty face, extremely fat. One of the “if she lost a lot of weight she’d be nice looking” set) had a cute blonde friend staying over. The daughter says something like: “Isn’t it true that when you drink spirits you don’t know what you’re doing?” .. and proceeds to pour me a large vodka (or tequila). The mum is wary, but still goes to bed early .. & she wasn’t missed, and it all felt very natural, like ‘Yep! That’s exactly what was meant to happen, thank you, Universe!’

At some point the conversation turns to porn. I remember that! I now think this was my first threesome and the Pattaya one was after this, because I remember how, when the subject moved onto porn, I got such a rush as the fantasy looked like it was going to come (oo-er) true. The friend (it turned out she was only 16, still legal in the UK, but I only found that out later, I assumed she was 18 too) said something about liking watching lesbian porn and then they both said that sometimes they kissed each other when drunk. Then (in a probably pre-arranged move) they both came over and sat next to me and kissed each other. Fuckin Hell! It was REALLY happening!

We left their house and headed for mine and the bedroom. Now it does get hazy! Only snippets remain; the three of us are in bed, I’m fucking the pretty one, the fat one says (whilst looking bored/ rejected) “will you fuck me next?”, as soon as I hear her say “fuck” it’s like a Pavlovian trigger (& still is) and I withdraw from pretty blonde (she looks pissed off) and insert into chubby.

She is … extremely comfortable! That’s all I can say. Like fuckin a couch! I had always had skinny girlfriends and liked skinnier girls, so was used to jagged pelvic bones etc, but this was .. comfort! Wow! Felt like an upgrade to a first class seat. The last thing I remember before I blacked out was fatty giving me a blow-job and asking me if she was good at it. I replied in the affirmative .. and promptly passed out!

THAT was closer to the porn fantasy, but I was way too drunk to really appreciate it, or make the most of it .. or actually remember if I did appreciate it enough or make the most of it at the time. Just snippet memories left. I did blurt out the story to an ex-girlfriend the next day when she phoned my house by accident. We’d been together ten years and split a good year before that. I genuinely wasn’t trying to make her jealous, I just HAD to tell someone as I was so happy that I’d scored it off my bucket-list. That was the last time we ever spoke, surprisingly!

Chubby’s mum found out what had happened (I was meant to be seeing the mum, we’d had sex once, did I mention that?) and the shit hit the fan .. & the mum hit me!

Worth it though!

Anyway, I think the Sin City threesome was my last main memory from there. We’ll see!

No more for today, greng jai & shit!

The End (for now).



nana plaza