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Locked Down But Not Quite Out…



Thailand reverts to the family unit in times of crisis, produces enough food to keep the nation going but must be stressed by the idea of not being part of a group or extended (often it seems to infinity) family. The Philippines is similar but there is much more emotion, kissing and hugging in daily lives. The UK has, momentarily (and hopefully not extended to infinity) become a huge welfare state, saved from immediate failure by the other big Western countries also running the money-printing presses flat out. The UK is very lucky to have a Conservative government with a large majority and over four years left of its term – if Labour had won we would have had mass nationalization, perhaps renamed Little Russia.

The world has suddenly become a lot smaller and much more boring in the UK. Only an hour’s walk a day is allowed, vehicles only used for shopping trips and then rarely and no gathering of more than two, other than family units, allowed. The country has taken on a pleasantly depopulated feel in my early morning five mile walk along the coast, bemused seagulls squawking at the lack of easy pickings – I might illegally extend it beyond the hour but only if I have not spotted any cops zooming around in their cars. They have the power to take you off for coronavirus testing if they decide they don’t like the look of you, the last thing you’d want to go anywhere near a coronavirus awash hospital or testing site. Young ladies in skin tight Lyra running or jogging a pleasant sight but often paired off with matching young men – I mutter what a waste in their fast retreating wake.

Asian girls in the area started wearing masks long before we were all locked down. A Thai woman I know who visits from time to time insists that we both wear masks during sex but wasn’t amused when I muttered something about putting a paper bag over her head. As others have mentioned, a somewhat limited sense of humour. Oddly, she has no worries about condoms and is quite happy to go home to hubby with my juices sloshing around inside her. Probably takes a perverse delight in it. If I were in Thailand I would not bother with such women but in the UK I take whatever is on offer but note in what is left of my mind that she is not marriage material. Being hunkered down in a cheap Bangkok apartment at the whim of the landlord and authorities, with medical care likely to do more harm than good, is not exactly an appealing alternative.

She somehow ended up married to a guy a similar age to myself who resides – if that is the correct word – in the worst council estate in Devon, my detached residence the height of peaceful luxury by way of comparison with her one-bedroom, ground-floor flat, that has shades of backstreet Bangkok in the barred windows and heavy front door. She refers to it as a prison cell. It is about forty minutes’ walk from where I live but for a Thai that would probably take two hours of much muttering discontent; she has borrowed a friend’s carer’s jacket so she can meander around and use public transport without worrying about the cops. She did try a care job for a short while but the smell and groping hands weren’t to her taste, even showing her that working 72 hour weeks for a year would net her a million baht failed to get her juices going. Much easier dosh in the system.

According to her, hubby can barely walk let alone do sex and has been confined to the apartment due to underlying health issues. She was astonished to find that I had the flat stomach of a teenage rice-cutter, together with the striations. I do ten minutes of reverse crunches a day… the trick to do that relentlessly for the last forty years. Being near retirement age I do cheat by taking a quarter tab of Viagra half an hour before sex; I might take more but my face ends up bright red and my eyesight gets a bit blurry if I take half a pill! Judging by the fluidity of her pussy it does the trick nicely. I have bought her a selection of sex toys plus sexy lingerie and dresses that I keep here, she is in her forties and whilst a long way from being fat, age is beginning to sag bits of her body. Still, she is dress size 6! Never had a baby so nicely taut where it counts.

I also know a couple of Filipina nurses but have avoided them since the virus became rampant. Women pick up the virus much more easily than men but men are much more likely to have serious complications. Poor old Boris only just avoiding death a wake-up call for many as he was in previously rude good health. Interestingly, Whitey less likely to die from the virus than other races but the UK government refusing to comment on that anomaly, perhaps fearing inner-city riots! The Filipina nurses were younger and less attractive than the Thai girl yet much more determined to catch a half decent husband – the really mind-bendingly attractive Filipina nurses had no interest in old men, unless they were doctors! Again, a serious lack of sense of humour when I muttered something about playing doctors and nurses to the two Filipina nurses! The latter may well end up being given free British citizenship by a grateful government; making them even less interested in old men. Filipinas more reluctant to drop their knickers than Thais but open to much more perversion once they have done so. Go figure.

The Thai woman likes to use my internet connection to talk to her family in Udon Thani, it is reasonably stable and quick. I lived in Thailand for a couple of decades so know Thai better than she thinks. The first thing the family wanted to know was if I was stupid or intelligent enough to know the ways of Thai girls… stupid was the answer! This was rather odd as I wasn’t paying for sex and had given no indication that I had any interest in taking her on if she got divorced. I presumed I was her fall-back guy if all went wrong on the council estate, although no doubt there were plenty of unemployable young thugs on the estate ready to step in. She had mentioned that some of her Thai friends had taken on young men as lovers… that might be true or she might just be talking about her own adventures! I have long given up trying to second guess Thai women, or any women!

The only time I have ever seen her really angry was when her mother told her that the Thai “husband” had taken on a young bint, all the attractive lines in her face did a disappearing act, her whole demeanour becoming somehow reptilian. She was so disconcerted by this news that she didn’t bother cleaning the house… usually she would tut-tut about my housekeeping skills, even the plates not clean enough for her liking. The place often ended up polished rather than cleaned! This is not uncommon amongst Thais from a poor background unless they had an extended stay in a brothel where they got used to having a maid do the chores. I did complain that she had forgotten to put toothpaste on the brush, again she showed a distinct lack of a sense of humour and did not return for more than a week.

As with almost every Thai girl I have had a relationship with, she often wonders why she bothers with me! It would be easy to conclude that she has her eye on my (mortgage-free) property but she already knows that my sons will be inheriting all my wealth (obviously not if I actually got married which I have no intention of doing) if they actually manage to outlive me – they are half Thai and live in the up-country Badlands with their Thai mother, get up to all kinds of madness and only show any interest in talking to me near their birthdays when I usually send them some cash. Physically, in their late twenties they are very attractive but mentally rather too similar to their mother. They have no clue as to how to make money out of the ether of endless opportunity in Thailand. Amusingly, they keep asking me how old I am in the hope that it will speed the ageing process along! They can’t get their heads around the idea that I am quite happy to walk ten miles in a couple of hours (pre-virus), nor that I have a much better motorcycle than they can get their hands on. I am occasionally tempted to leave all the dosh to my grandson but that would probably be bad karma.

Pre-virus, I was planning a little bit of wife-hunting. Treating myself to business class to Singapore and then going budget to Cebu, Saigon and Phnom Penh. Internet dating the route into the heart of the beast… the only real interest I got from the dating sites from the ladyboys! Time move on, I guess, and someone sixty-plus does not excite girls in their twenties and thirties. My fall-back position if nothing worked out was the neon dives and sticking to short-time sex, though rates are much higher than I am willing to pay – the girls paying off boyfriends and mamasans, inflating the cost. Ladyboys in Cebu are reasonably attractive and very cheap, 500-1000 peso short-time – they tend to be totally abused by Filipino men – and I do enjoy anal sex with women… mildly tempted! I would definitely have to watch how much beer I drink, I would not want to pass out only to wake up finding myself topped by a horned-up bakla!

Post-virus the possibilities may well change but not sure if I want to get on an airplane any time soon – or even if I will be allowed entry to these countries. Given the way Western countries are wantonly printing money I am not convinced that Asian countries will suffer from any kind of currency devaluation, though general lack of demand will possibly do for many companies. Knowing the Thai mindset, a lack of customers will mean putting the prices up! Still, compared to many my life isn’t that bad and I have many pleasant memories to flick through when the going gets tough.

Horny Henry

The author can be contacted at : [email protected]