Readers' Submissions

Naïve, Dumb, or Something Else

  • Written by The Turtle
  • March 21st, 2020
  • 8 min read


Black Pagoda Patpong Bangkok

On my way back to Trumpland less than 3 weeks ago, I spent my time sitting in a corona-virus ridden sardine can reminiscing about my latest adventure to the place that makes me not only very happy, but also very intrigued. I thought of writing a trip report, but everyone likes and does different things. I had read some recent submissions from this month and a couple sounded very familiar to my recent experiences.

I typically begin and end my two-week-millionaire adventure at the Nana Hotel. In between, I typically leave on a Sunday or Monday, because Bangkok gets a little slow. I either leave the country to nearby foreign destinations that are interesting to me or I go to another Thai city for around four days. This most recent trip, I decided to stay in Thailand and took a taxi down to Pattaya. I hadn’t been to Pattaya for at least a couple of years and wanted to experience it again. Though a question has intrigued my mind for years now. Are Thai girls naïve, stupid, or something else?

The last time I was in Pattaya I went to soi 6. At the time I was looking for a chubby, not too tan-skinned girl. That was very easy to find. So her and I talked for 5 minutes over a beer which I probably had 3 sips out of. During the conversation I asked the same farang questions, “Are you from Isan?” Her response was she that was from a Bangkok suburb. I thought to myself, “Why the hell did she move to Pattaya when she can stay at home and make more money?”

Now on my 10th trip, this novice, middle-aged monger goes straight to Soi 6 after checking into his hotel on a recent Sunday afternoon. I did a walk through and noticed a tall, dark-skinned beauty. No this was not a ladyboy, even though I have met a few in the past. I then went around the corner and went down Soi 6/1. I was looking for something dirty, yet no one turned me on. A trend that seems to be increasing with me and the third gender. I then headed back up Soi 6 and saw that tall tan-skinned girl again; so I approached her. No longer much of a drinker, I did have a beer with her and she one of her own. I nursed that beer for probably 45 minutes and then ordered another. She was still barely sipping her own. So far no talk of short-time or anything like that. I then finished my second beer and hers was about done. Now 3 PM I was starving for lunch and since she didn’t seem to have interest in sex, I offered her to come with me for lunch. She accepted and I paid the 1000 baht barfine. I thought that was too much as I last paid 300 baht in Pattaya, but maybe that was for long-time. With a wad of Trumpland cash in my pocket I did not argue. I am much like the reader’s recent submission (No Fool Like an Old Fool), deep down I’m beginning to yearn for a relationship as I wonder if I will ever get the opportunity again.

So my new friend and I headed to Terminal 21 on Second Road and had a nice meal and then went back to my hotel. Things turned out well, we even took a nap, and then headed to Walking Street for dinner later that night. She then said that she had to leave at 6 AM because she had class in Bangkok at 9 AM.

That’s right, she’s a STEM university student in Bangkok and working on Soi 6 on the weekends. I even quizzed her on her classes and she is indeed a STEM student. Since I was heading back to Bangkok on Wednesday and her classes were over for the week on Thursday, we met over at Victory Monument and then went to Khao San Road for dinner and a little fun. We then went back to my hotel, the Starship. I tried to keep my face from getting red as we turned down Soi 4, but I was not successful. Her response was “can we go on a walk before bed?” I said “no, it’s too dirty.” I tell the readers this because she didn’t even know Soi 4 Nana nightlife area even existed!

Moving on, she stayed overnight and in the morning I told her I was going to the buffet and then to a gym I visit while in town off of Soi 56. She said she’d stay and see me when I got back. Then I got back and we headed out to Chinatown and had a nice meal and visited some famous temples. If you remember, the stock markets were acting crazy and I really wanted to get rid of her; so I told her she needed to leave as I needed to concentrate on the markets and if things pan out, then I needed to do some buying. Well she didn’t even know what a stock market was, yet she is a STEM student that is studying a field that does relate to financial markets. Well our day was ending as we ascended to Asok BTS, from MRT Sukhumvit, I gave her a hug, whispered a nicety to her, and put a little something in her backpack. She was then off to her world. We’ve stayed in touch for the last few weeks and not once has she asked me for money, except for the barfine while in Pattaya.

I believe on my third trip during October 2016, I went to buy some meat sticks from a lady vendor on Soi 4. I never ate street food before so I was a bit hesitant. Well, I ordered then told her never mind and hastily ran off. If you’d walked around Soi 4 any amount of times, you’d probably know who I’m talking about. Well, I remember I had disappointed her; so on my ninth trip, last August, I stopped by her stand and ordered some meat sticks. You’ll never guess what happened next. She gave me double my order and charged me double. I did not argue and then walked off. During this most recent trip she saw me walk by and smiled. I then smiled and waved back and she as well. I was just amazed that she remembered me!

Midway through this last trip, there is a very famous and large massage and entertainment establishment just off of the MRT. Back in August I went there and met one of the most gorgeous women I had ever seen. When we had gotten to the room and we were standing face to face, I had a feeling she was no 25-year-old debutante. I had a feeling she was close to my age. The number that popped into my mind was 46. It didn’t matter to me, this Thai Lan Na Jacklyn Smith was not only breathtakingly beautiful, but a lot of fun to be with. We had a very good connection and the service was extremely passionate and memorable. So I went back there to see if she was there and to recreate that great experience I had.

As we met at the pay counter, she introduced herself and we shook hands. Then her eyes became wide open and I hear this 10 second Thai “Oh” coupled with a sentence I could not translate, but understood the meaning. I took that as a “she remembers me!” Well, the result of the massage was that there was no result. My mind was going 1000 MPH and I could not relax. It was a letdown; so to speak. I did not mention that I had been thinking about her for the past 5 months and it was not about sex.

On my last night in Thailand on Soi 4, one of the deaf and dumb girls that stand in front of the Nana Hotel saw me. I met her last August and occasionally exchange messages through Line with her. One of the messages she sent me said, “I am looking for Petch!” That made no sense to me. I marked it as a translation error, but after a week of searching Google, I broke the code. She’s actually a real cute and nice girl, though she is not what you think. I saw her last autumn in a YouTube video shopping in Central World wearing nice middle class clothes, not a dirty tank top and cut-off jean shorts. I tell you about her because when I passed her, she said “Hey” and pointed at me. I smiled, waived, and walked on.

I sit here in front of my computer, hooked into an HDMI cable, attached to my HD TV, in the suburbs of a generic city in the middle of Trumpland, in the middle of March 2020 in quarantine, not even able to go to work or even the gym, not wondering how many thousands I will be up or down tomorrow, but about these strange creatures that perplex my mind. I know with my degrees and 50 years under my belt I will figure them out eventually. So as I conclude this submission, I ask myself are they dumb, naïve, or something else? I believe it is I who is naive and dumb and that something else is I will need to learn the ways of these strange people before I ever move there; otherwise there will be no happy ending.

P.S. My STEM university friend, who I chat with on Line almost daily, showed up on YouTube a couple of days ago. She was hanging out with a middle-aged Japanese fellow near Thermae.

The author of this article cannot be contacted.