Bangkok Don Juan, Part 3
This submission continues my series of diary entries followed by the parallel extract from my narrative poem, Bangkok Don Juan.
13th May 2005
Went to Cowboy 2. As I approached the curtain, a petite Hello Girl took me by the arm and led me in. She said, ‘You see girl you like?’
I replied, ‘No, but you’re nice though.’
We sat down and talked and I bought her a lady drink. Apart from the usual Hello Girl script, her English was very limited, but I managed to find out that her name was Noi and she had been working in the bar for just two days. She looked very young – but perhaps she was just petite. I said, half joking, half serious, ‘Are you sure you’re old enough to be working in a bar?’ She said I could see her ID card if I liked, and that satisfied me for the time being. I asked her if she did long time and she said she couldn’t go long time. She mumbled some excuse – but I didn’t catch it. However, in this case the reluctance to go long time was not a sign of a bad attitude because she seemed very keen to persuade me to barfine her. She said she knew a good short time hotel nearby. I was tempted. What clinched it was when she said she would begin with a traditional Thai massage. She asked for 1500 baht (barfine 500). Later on, I found out that her mother was the mamasan, and her sister also worked in the bar. We chatted with her briefly on the way out, as it was her turn to do a stint as a hello girl. The thought of being busted by the Thai police for having sex with a minor briefly crossed my mind – but with mum as mamasan, a Thai boss, and an ID card that proved she was legal (though I never actually looked at it, and even if I had, I wouldn’t have understood the Buddhist year) I reckoned I was safe enough.
It was a strange feeling, leading a girl out of the bar with her mother looking on approvingly, but as we walked down Soi Cowboy I was having serious doubts about whether she was going to be any good (as is so often the case when you get your barfine out of the bar). She seemed silent and serious, as though she wanted to get the business over and done with as quickly as possible.
The short time hotel was just at the entrance to Soi Cowboy and cost 300 baht. It was seedy, but clean. Three tough-looking Thai guys manned the front counter. A maid gave us two towels and asked if we wanted a bottle of water – 10 baht. We showered together, then she took out two condoms and placed them ready on the bed. The massage was wonderful, and helped to get us both in the mood. However, no sooner had I opened a condom, than I realised it was Thai-sized – too tight! She called the front desk and they brought up a so-called European size condom – 20 baht. That was wider – but just as short, and I was worried it would slip off. Her pussy was also Thai-sized – i.e., tight!
It amused me to think how misguided is the ‘cult of the big dick’ is in the West. You can hardly surf the porn sites [not that I watch porn – honest!] for five minutes without pop-ups offering penis enlargement pills, yet the reality is, in one of the few countries in the world where there is pussy-a-plenty, a big dick can actually be a disadvantage! [don’t misunderstand me, I’m not boasting, I’m just saying!]
We laughed about the condom problem afterwards, and laid back to relax and chat. As I relaxed, another problem began to loom large: how old was this girl? Her body was so petite, so fresh – and why couldn’t she go long time? Was it because a hotel receptionist might look at her ID card? Then I thought about the ‘underage girl’ scams I had read about on the Internet. A girl takes you to a short time hotel, then the police turn up by prearrangement and extort a huge bribe, and if you can’t pay it – my blood ran cold – I remembered everything I’d heard about the ‘Bangkok Hilton’.
‘How old are you – really?’ I asked.
‘I old for bargirl.’
I looked at her picture-perfect body and said: ‘I don’t believe you!’
She reached for her bag and took out her ID. Not that it did much to allay my fears because it gave a Buddhist year – 2521, but she assured me it proved she was 27 [I checked it later]. She seemed anxious that I would go off her when I found out how old she was, but actually it made me feel more comfortable. The feeling of relief – and the brief rest – made me feel horny again, so she phoned for another condom, and we had a repeat performance.
Afterwards, I thought she would want to go, but no, she wanted to take me back to the bar. She was different now, smiling, happy, friendly and good company. It made me realise that her seriousness had been due to anxiety arising from inexperience.
She invited her sister over and I bought them both lady drinks. A moment later, her mother joined us, so I bought her one too. Noi was all smiles. I think she was happy because she had just come through the ordeal of sex with a farang – which was clearly an important rite of passage for her family, and it have given her “face”.
I said I would like to see her dance, and she replied, “Come tomorrow.” I will certainly do that. It will be great to see her perfectly sculpted body on stage – ironically, where I can get a better look at it than when she was in my bed!
Note: I changed Noi’s age in the canto to 32 so it would rhyme with “you”. (Those are the kind of lies poets tell – no wonder Plato would have banned them from his ideal Republic!)
In which Jim nearly ends up in the Bangkok Hilton, and learns an important lesson.
THAT night Jim heard the siren calls once more:
‘Hey, hello hansum, come to Cowboy 2!’
The cute Hello Girl led him through the door,
Showed him the stage and said, ‘A girl for you?’
But all of them looked horribly hardcore.
He sized up the Hello Girl: ‘I’ll take you.’
‘I cannot go with men,’ she said, ‘no way.’
‘2000 baht for short time?’ ‘Oh, OK.’
Her name, in keeping with her size, was Noi;
Her height, sans shoes, being barely 1 metre, 57.48 centimetres.
Her chest was almost flat, just like a boy,
Her head, a doll’s, with pony tail hairdo.
‘How old are you?’ he said with some alloy.
‘Eighteen,’ she said. He gawped. ‘Honest. It’s true!’
On hearing this our hero’s mind was swung,
For, though no paedophile, he liked ’em young.
Jim said, ‘Let’s take a taxi to Soi See,’
‘I can’t,’ she said, ‘go in a big hotel.
But there’s a short time place where they know me.’
‘OK,’ said Jim, although a warning bell
Was ringing in his head. Was her ID
A problem? Underage? Well, time would tell.
And so he went along to make the booking,
While looking forward very much to f… finding out more about her.
Her body was a treasure – smooth and taut –
The light caressed her skin in sensuous ripples.
Her nom (her breasts) were fuller than he’d thought.
Her hua nom were large and brown (her nipples).
Then from her lips Jim drank, and then he sought
Her nether lips – that headiest of tipples!
Then – seventh heaven – she headed down below
And like the wild west wind began to blow.
But every silver lining has a cloud,
And just as Jim was rammed up to the hilt ’n
Going like a steam engine, doubt cowed
His manhood. He withdrew with guilt ’n
Shame, wondering if this liaison was allowed,
Or if he’d end up in the Bangkok Hilton
Rotting away with AIDS or bad hygiene –
Young stuff is fine as long as it’s eighteen.
A dream come true turned into a nightmare
When on the door: a sharp, official knocking.
‘They’ve come!’ thought Jim, ‘To take me – God knows where –
Imprisoned as a paedophile – how shocking!’
‘I thought she was eighteen, your honour, I swear!’
(But it’s no good – I hear the cell door locking.)
He stumbled from the bed, still nice and warm,
And opened to – a man in uniform!
But, oh thank heaven, it wasn’t the police!
Only a porter sent up by reception
To ask about the room: how long the lease,
And to sell condoms to prevent conception
(Or worse), and water, or anything you please,
To make an honest baht without deception.
What joy to think he’d sleep in his hotel
And not a rat infested prison cell!
Determined now the honest truth to glean,
He turned to Noi and asked if he could see
Some evidence to prove she was eighteen.
Reluctantly she showed him her ID.
The date of birth said 2516.
‘What’s that?’ He panicked at the mystery.
‘That’s Buddhist – 1973 to you.
I’m sorry that I lied – I’m thirty-two.’
‘Oh happiness!’ cried Jim. ‘Now that the nagging
Doubt is gone!’ Why aren’t you mad?’ said Noi.
Said Jim: ‘Because I’ll know I am shagging
A girl who’s legal. Oh yes, I’ll enjoy
It much more now. So hurry up, I’m gagging.
Take off that towel and pass me that sex toy!’
Despite all this, Jim likes ’em young and naughty,
But now, by ‘young’, he means she’s under forty.
1 1 metre, 57.48 centimetres: In Brussels-dominated Blighty, the law states that metric measurements must be used – but they’re a bit of a mouthful, as this example shows. Try reading the line again and substitute ‘five foot two’. [Note that, as of this Year of Grace, 2020, the UK has finally left the European Union – but I doubt that we’ll get our old weights and measures back. Respect to the good old USA for keeping yards, feet and inches!]
2 See: Thai for number 4. Soi 4 is where Nana Plaza is located.
3 Bangkok Hilton: An ironic term used to refer to any and all Thai prisons, though some believe that Bangkwang prison is the Bangkok Hilton.
4 I messed around with the maths and the rhymes for ages, but I fear that it is still not right. Never mind – you get the idea (I hope).
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