Bargirl Advice Request

Firstly thanks for your brilliant website. I have been reading the submissions but can’t see anything quite like my current situation so I thought I would reach out to see what people have to say.

I have been involved with a Thai bargirl from Pattaya for almost 1 year. It started early March, 2019.

It began, with me obviously, being a customer. The next morning, she asked for my number and I thought nothing of it. Later on that day she asked me to send her a photo of myself, which I did.

I doubt I’m the first person she’s exchanged details with. She has a lot of guys commenting on Facebook when she posts photos.

So the messages then started daily. Whatever happened she would always message me each day. This went on for a few months, with her wanting to video call and message, saying she misses me etc. She NEVER asked me for any money.

After a few months, she wanted to call, and I was busy. I got the impression she was upset but I didn’t bother messaging her back.

I thought that was the end of it but after a couple of weeks, she messaged asking why I had stopped talking to her. I just said I’d been busy and things started up again.

Forward to early November, 2019, and I spent 5 days with her. She agreed to stay with me in Bangkok.

It went well. She never asked me for any money, or to buy her anything. I did pay for everything (I offered) but she was very low maintenance, with cheap restaurants and drinks being the only real outlay.

She took lots of photos of me, especially when I was not looking (doing things like eating or buying a subway ticket, for example).

A few days after I went back home she asked me for some money, because she was short and had bills to pay, I kind of got it as she had taken time off work and paid to travel to Bangkok from Pattaya and back.

I didn’t easily send the money. I spent a number of hours explaining that I wanted to help but also it was a problem as I know how things work, and didn’t want things to start being about money.

After a long discussion, I said I would help. I left it a few days, then sent £200. I figured that was fair for the time out she took out for me at least.

Things continued on, and no more money was asked for.

We had video calls at least once a day (even more times if she was a bit drunk) and she always messaged me without fail.

So fast forward to January, 2020. I fly back out and spend 10 days with her. Had an amazing time, again I paid for everything but again she always chose cheap street restaurants, never anything flashy and never asked me to buy her anything.

She tells me she loves me this time and is really happy. I say the same!

I get back and she mentions being short of money again. I get annoyed and say, wrongly, that she needs another man if it’s about money.

I ignore her for a bit, then she posts on Facebook she is sad, and is drinking.

I say sorry and she said she cried, and she drinks because of me. Anyway, we get it all sorted.

I end up sending her £80 a few days later, even though she didn’t ask again.

So back to talking every day and everything is fine.

So now its mid-February and almost a year since I first met her and I’m thinking what’s the end game here? I’m pretty sure she’s genuine but I’m finding her “job” hard to deal with. She is very open and honest and answers any questions about what she does but it’s still a bit of a head-fuck when you start liking someone a lot.

Even despite everything positive, I still feel a bit cautious and am not totally sure if I’m being an idiot!

Any advice or stories of similar experiences would be really helpful!

Stick‘s thoughts:

Talk openly and honestly with this lady and tell her how you feel about her. Ask her how she feels about you. If the feeling is mutual and you want to pursue things with her then you need to put a plan in place.

If you wish for things to get serious, you ought to know upfront that it will be a rocky road ahead. You come from very different cultures, have different backgrounds and she is doing a job that generally makes relationships that follow awkward. It’s possible for relationships between a bargirl and her customer to work but the success rate in such relationships is, frankly, low.

She is working in the bars and presumably that is her only source of money. If you want to have a relationship with her then you need to get her out and well away from that industry and the really hard part, to sever ties with those she knows from it. You will then have to finance her lifestyle, or encourage her to get other work – while being mindful that that would almost certainly mean a very significant drop in income for her.

You need a long-term plan of what the future holds with some very clear points in the plan i.e. apply for a visa for you to visit her and spend a prolonged period with her or for her to visit you within x months, get engaged within xx months, be living together as soon as possible, married at such and such a time etc. Many of these relationships go bad because the guy has not put in place a clear plan for the two of them and she cannot see that things are going anywhere so she continues to work, make money and keep her eyes out for a new Mr Right.

Generally I advise that relationships with bargirls don’t work, but some – a minority – do. The risk is large and it will be a rocky road but if you’re heart is truly with her, you think she could be the one and you’re genuinely keen, willing and have the resources to give it a go, then good luck to you!

The author can be contacted at : djad1210@gmail.com