Readers' Submissions

To Mr. MarriedGuy-wanting-a-Buddhistgirlfriend

So you have met a great girl who doesn’t want to see you? An age-old problem.

It’s impossible to give advice, as your particular situation is only known to you and her, but here are some things to think through.

Firstly, what exactly are you offering her?  Let’s try to write it down.

I (older western guy) want you to be my cute Thai girl while I live in the USA with my wife.

You will be available for me whenever I can visit Thailand, and be the super cute girlfriend.

You will not have any other boyfriends during this time.

I will pay you a monthly salary of xx,xxx baht.

In the future, if I get divorced, I want the option to make you my new wife.

After a few years, if I don’t marry you, you can go.

So from the Thai girl’s point of view, there could be two reactions:

One, she really needs the money, so eagerly accepts your offer to get the payroll.  This is a common situation with upcountry girls who have been saddled with children at a young age and may end up as a bargirl to make ends meet.  This is the profile of 70% of bargirls or freelancers for instance.  They just need the cash and mostly take any offer which comes along.

Two, she is a fairly normal twenty-year-old girl, without a child (you don’t mention in your post if she does or not).  She likely will have some idea around what sort of boyfriend would be good for her, although she may be quite inexperienced.  The classic good boyfriend profile being a guy she is really into, who is a good guy, fun to be with, not much older than her, her friends and family approve of him, he has prospects and could make a good husband.  In my experience, young Thai girls make relationship decisions 80% with their emotions and 20% with logic.  If a guy fits their emotional profile they go for it, otherwise not.

You don’t mention how old you are, but as a general guide, I find regular Thai girls are ok with a guy at most about 10 years older than them, but that’s about it.  Otherwise it’s embarrassing for them, imagine a twenty-year-old girl hanging out at the night market with her young mates, bringing along her old 40-year-old farang boyfriend.  Sure it’s possible, but it’s not ideal for her, is it?  Don’t underestimate the social requirement for their boyfriend to be validated by friends and family.  This validation process normally happens fairly early on with friends first, and family later. Have you met her friends and family members?  Did they approve of you?  If this hasn’t happened, you’ve not yet passed beyond a holiday fling.

You are married right now. Coming back to this, please be aware in Thailand there are many Thai husbands who have a girl on the side as a ‘gik’ (mistress) or a ‘Mae Noi’ (second wife).  This is very common.  The mistress is typically either from a poor family or a university student who needs cash. Either way, the man pays her to have sex with him.  He is not her boyfriend and does not hang out with her or her friends and family.  When you told her you have a wife, it most likely immediately put you into this framework for her.  She most likely thinks of herself as a paid mistress if she stays with you, or just your holiday fun.

You mention in your posting your marriage in the USA is one of convenience to support someone to get citizenship.  So, from your perspective it doesn’t count.  But from her perspective it most certainly does!  Also, it raises many questions for her, like why did you do it?  Do you sleep with her?  How many years to go until she can get citizenship and you can divorce?  Any risks around this?

So, when you look at your proposition to her through her eyes, you can see there are challenges.  Talking it through is the way forward, making sure to actively listen to what she is staying and try to understand her perspective.

Finally, there are many ladies in Thailand.  It’s not a great idea to try to push someone who is really not that into you for some reason.  If you look, there will be many suitable candidates, she’s not the only one, for sure.

Good luck!

Yellow Fever


Stick‘s thoughts:

Some sensible comments here. I like what you write about getting the tick of approval from friends first and then later family – oh so true.

I personally think the original poster was being rather fanciful in thinking this “relationship” had any chance of working, although as we do not know the full situation with his Mrs. back home, it’s hard to say too much.

Just one thing – and I don’t wish to appear petty – your definition for “gik” is wrong. Put simply, it’s a fxxk buddy without strings or any expectation of exclusivity or commitment.


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