My Best Buddy Is A Thailand Addict And It’s My Fault Part 3
Greetings people, and welcome to the time of our lives.
I-Rovers on LK Metro is not the most upmarket hotel in Pattaya. It’s not even the most upmarket hotel on LK Metro, but it was an absolutely brilliant base for 2 Irish gobshites with more money than sense to stay for our 2-week Pattaya trip. Check in was painless and after a quick shower, shite and shave we regrouped in the bar for a swift pint of Fosters (it was either Fosters or “Asahi” on draught, none of that “foreign muck” for us, thankyouverymuch). The waitresses were really friendly and funny and John couldn’t believe that within minutes one of them was sitting on his knee and asking him to buy her a “dink”. 2 shots of Tequila later the word “barfine” was mentioned and poor John almost had a panic attack. At this point I knew it was time for us to get outa Dodge. I didn’t want the wrath of a jealous I-Rovers waitress in a couple of days when we rocked up with a couple of barfines from Soi Diana or Soi Buakhao so we settled our drinks bill and headed out into the great unknown.
I had been hatching a cunning plan for a couple of weeks and that plan was for our first stop to be Pump Station on Soi Buakhao. Just to see John’s face when, after chatting to, and possibly being a bit touchy feely with a beautiful “lady” for half an hour or so, I would quietly inform him that every single person in the bar is a guy! When it came time to execute my cunning plan I didn’t have the heart to go through with it (in no small measure due to John’s “somewhat volatile nature upon occasion”. I just didn’t want any trouble.)
So we walked up LK Metro towards Buakhao, turned left and left again onto Soi Honey. I did point out the “Ladies” at Pump Station and informed John of their gender, to which I got a wide-eyed “Holy Sweet Mother of Divine Jaysus”, a phrase I was to hear dozens of times over the next 2 weeks.
At the very first massage shop on Soi Honey I stopped, turned to John and said “Pick one, it’s on me”. The poor guy almost had a panic attack but in a heartbeat a very beautiful girl stood up, walked towards him, took him by the arm and said, “I take care you”. Like a lamb to the slaughter he was immediately whisked away to Nirvana while I sat down, ordered a Chang and was approached by an absolute goddess whose charms I simply could not resist.
After an all too short but extremely pleasant hour we regrouped, had a quick drink with the girls and departed amid promises and kisses and headed off down Soi Honey towards Second Road. As we approached Retox Game On I began to get a feeling like a magnet drawing me towards the entrance (if you’re either Irish or a chronic alcoholic you’ll understand) so I suggested that we take a short break and have a swift one to fortify ourselves. Upon entering Retox the cold chill of the air-conditioning immediately felt like heaven. It was 33 degrees Celsius outside and don’t forget us Irish only see the sun every 5 years or so. Irish people don’t do sun, fair of complexion and skin like raw turkey, that’s us. To my great delight, upon approaching the bar I noticed that they serve Tiger Beer on draught. My absolute favorite beer on the planet. “Two pints of Tiger Beer please, bar tender”, and off into a quiet corner we skulked, to dissect, in intimate detail, the last hour of our lives. If that Catholic nun (the one from our Dublin-Abu Dhabi flight) happened to be in earshot she woulda had a heart attack, or an orgasm, or several). John was like a man reborn, having finally, after the toughest year of his life and all the damage that a bitter divorce does to your self-worth, self-esteem, ego and your mental well-being, got his end away with a young, beautiful, enthusiastic, experienced and dare I say willing partner. This girl does not know and never will know the massive favour she did for my dearest friend. Any of you Stick fans who’ve been down the road of a messy, nasty, acrimonious divorce will know how bloody devastating it is and, when someone comes along who just gives you that first hour of intimacy, it’s life-affirming and worth the price of 3 pints of Stella Artois in Abu Dhabi Airport.
After an hour of discussion and 3 pints of Tiger Beer it was time to move on to our next cultural and historical destination, soi 6!
A quick stroll down Soi Honey and onto Second Road and then a couple of minutes on a baht bus which deposited us at the top of soi 6 and we were there. I had told John on numerous occasions before our departure that he had never seen anything like soi 6 in his entire life. Of course he thought I was pulling his leg and exaggerating. We started to walk down the street and were hustled immediately into a bar whose name totally escapes me. Had a couple of Changs, bought a couple of lady drinks, were offered short time but sadly weren’t up to the task quite yet so we decided to press on. We were passing a little bar called Soho Bar (on the right hand side heading towards Beach Road) when I recognized a beautiful girl whom I had chatted to on my previous vacation in 2017. She subsequently admitted that she’d recognized me too (yeah, right) and we decided to avail of the indoor air-con and my long-lost friends company. And her even better looking colleague. Her colleague was absolutely STUNNINGLY beautiful.
My girl was very pretty and, as it turned out DID remember me, she was able to recall that I had a large scar on my leg from a motorcycle accident way back when I was a proper drunk in my teens. I was impressed! Within a minute of arriving in Soho Bar John announced that he and his utterly gobsmackingly beautiful partner were going “short term”. He whispered in my ear that I should be the one to negotiate the price of said engagement so I asked her “How Much”? 1500 baht was the reply so I told John how much in GBP and he was initially a little indignant because the last girl only charged 1200 baht. I pointed out to him that the difference was about £6 to which he replied, “Ah Jaysus, sure that wouldn’t buy a pint at home”. So the deal was done and off they trundled to wherever it is they do their thing. That left me and my gal alone in the bar. There was no way I was up to “going again” after my “Stellar, Ron Jeremy” like performance of an hour ago so I decided to slip my gal 1000 baht and give her the excuse that I was just too tired after my long flight and no sleep since home. She seemed happy with the 1000 baht and several Tequila lady drinks. Probably woulda been cheaper to barfine her and use the time in the short time room to have a snooze and let her do her nails. But what the hell, I’m on vacation and my best mate is shagging an oriental goddess (his second one in an hour). Just savour the moment!
Ten seconds before I could see John I could hear his chatter as he bounded down the stairs after what he now describes as the “shag of several lifetimes”. To say that his smile was from ear to ear would be a serious insult to ear to ear smiles but. The guy was absolutely buzzing and I just KNEW then that bringing him to Pattaya was an absolute good call. I think we had one more drink in Soho Bar and off we went again on our adventures. Stopped in “Foxy Bar” for a drink and took over the laptop which was set to YouTube Videos and I became a DJ for an hour or so. So if any of you hardcore Pattaya visitors or expats were strolling leisurely down Soi 6 on Wednesday 3 October and heard Deep Purple’s Child In Time or Pink Floyd’s Comfortably Numb and happened to see two obviously Irish leprechauns head-banging to the aforementioned tunes, that was us. Probably best to keep walking, friend.
It must have been around 4 or 5 PM now and I decided that it was time for us to move on to our next destination. I managed to drag John away from his Foxy Lady with promises of even better looking gals and the greatest rock music on the planet. So we walked out of Foxy Bar, turned right, walked to Beach Road, hopped on another baht bus, got off just after soi 12 and arrived at my absolute number 1 favorite bar in the world. The Tahitian Queen. I think that the whole idea of going to Pattaya with John was hatched there in November 2017 when I first visited there. I just knew that he would utterly LOVE the place. The minute we walked through the curtains we were met with the 2 most precious things in the world to us. Beautiful girls and rock music. We just sat at the bar, ordered a drink and waited for the fun to begin. It only took about 30 seconds
Bottle of Tiger Beer in hand I approached the DJ in the little booth and asked him to play a special request for John. Within seconds we were approached by two absolute beauties who requested that we sit with them in one of the available booths. So we, being the gentlemen that we are, had no choice but to oblige. These gals were the perfect hostesses, arranging fresh Tiger Beers for us before we’d even started on the ones in front of us, and bless them, they ordered Tequila shots for themselves.
The music in TQ is kinda loud, and kinda my kinda music and I was absolutely elated to hear the opening bars of Tom Sawyer by Rush, John’s absolute favorite band in the world! Life has its ups and downs and my buddy had his more than fair share of downs in the last couple of years so it was a great joy for me to look over at him, with yet another utter goddess on his arm, kissing and snuggling and smooching to the sound of his favorite band in the world. We were only here about 4 or 5 hours but already John and me were having the time of our lives.
We emerged into the darkness that seems to fall at about 6 PM in Pattaya. The night hadn’t even started yet and already John was telling me that it was the best day of his life. It wasn’t even tea time but I knew that things were gonna get even better as the evening progressed.
That’s about it for part 3. I sincerely hope at least one of y’all can relate to my story.
Tune in for part 4. The director’s cut.
The author of this article cannot be contacted.