No more “Nice Guy” in Thailand

A woman should be a compliment to your life, not the focus.

I’ve made more than my fair share of mistakes in relationships and in dealing with women in general. Many of those mistakes happened in my relationships with Thai women. As I reflect, I believe I sleep-walked through a large part of my life not fully understanding inter-gender dynamics and how the world can often work below the surface. In recent years I’ve been introduced to the concept of “Red Pill” which (as I’m sure a lot of the readers will already know) is about men changing their conditioning and the lens through which they view relationships.

The term “Red Pill” comes from the movie The Matrix where Neo (Keanu Reeves) has a choice between taking the Blue Pill (where everything stays the same) and the Red Pill (where he will see life as it truly is). Neo takes the Red Pill and his eyes are opened to the truth.

“You take the blue pill—the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill—you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. Remember: all I’m offering is the truth. Nothing more.”

The Matrix

The “Red Pill” term at some point transcended over to the Manosphere (a network of forums and websites with a focus on issues relating to men and masculinity) and gradually became the term by which men with certain views on relationships began to identify themselves. “Red Pill awareness” is about truly understanding what drives men and women – our impulses, desires and how we are biologically programmed to behave / react under certain conditions. It’s also about teaching men about controlling our reactions, not losing sense of the self, maintaining self-worth and not falling victim to destructive relationships. Understanding that you alone are responsible for your happiness and if you depend on a woman for your happiness, you are going to be controlled by emotions and on the road to ruin.

Rather, your focus should be on living life as an integrated, confident male with a growth mindset who is striving to be the best version of himself. Aware of his self-worth and be value driven, as opposed to being driven by what other people think of him. It’s ok to be considerate of other people’s feelings but it’s not ok to be driven by them. There is a lot of truth in the saying that Nice Guys finish last and a big part of the Red Pill, is shaking off your Nice Guy conditioning.

So how do we define a “Nice Guy” and why wouldn’t you want to be Nice Guy? On paper, a Nice Guy might sound like something you want to aspire to be as we often associate a Nice Guy with being a “good” guy. However the words “Nice” and “Good” are not objective and can mean different things to different people. Being a Nice Guy is not necessarily a sign of being a healthy male and that’s where people sometimes can get confused. The term “Nice Guy” can be a misnomer as Nice Guys are often far from Nice in the traditional sense of the word. They can be manipulative to get what they want and often don’t say or do what they truly feel. Nice on the outside, angry and bitter on the inside. And Nice Guys tend to get taken advantage of, especially by women.

“Nice Guys are concerned about looking good and doing it “right”. They are happiest when they are making others happy. Nice Guys avoid conflict like the plague and will go great lengths to avoid upsetting anyone. In general Nice Guys are peaceful and generous. Nice Guys are especially concerned about pleasing women and being different from other men. In a nutshell, Nice Guys believe that if they are good, giving and caring they will in return be happy, loved and fulfilled.

No More Mr. Nice Guy – Robert Glover

Nice Guys get burned. And Nice Guys can especially get burned in Thailand. Nice Guys and Thailand are a perfect match – but just not in a good way. Thailand can be an amazing place for single men but Nice Guys can and do get eaten up here. I’ve been travelling to Thailand since 2006 and now with a Red Pill lens, I reflect back on the many relationships I experienced along that journey. What worked, what didn’t? Where did they go right but more often where did they go wrong? What would I change and if someone was looking for my advice on how to deal with Thai women, what would I tell them? Don’t be that guy. Don’t be the “Nice Guy”.

Nice Guys are often attracted to situations that need fixing and it’s not unusual for Nice Guys to get drawn into relationships with women that need work. Nice Guys are naturally drawn to “caretaking” in relationships. The polite term being a “White Knight”, the other more crude term being “Captain Save A Ho”. And Thailand has many women (I’m referring to tourist areas, not all of Thailand) who will take advantage of this mentality. Women who are only more than happy to find someone to take care of them and to be their “sponsor”. The Nice Guy will caretake. When she has a problem, it becomes his problem. The Nice Guy is the perfect match for this type of girl – the Nice Guy doesn’t have a chance.

Think Pete from the “Private Dancer”. Pete, a British writer, meets Joy the Pole Dancer. Pete thinks he’s special, that he’s different to all the other guys and has a real connection with Joy. Pete is the quintessential Nice Guy. He wants to fix Joy’s problems but that just leads to his eventual and inevitable demise. A Nice Guy is hyper focused on what other people think of him and other people’s feelings. If his partner isn’t happy, he’s not happy. Pete get’s walked over, buying expensive gifts, unable to set boundaries and ties his happiness to Joy’s emotions. Gradually Pete transforms from a focused, driven man into a complete mess. All over a woman. Pete was that “Nice Guy”. What if Pete was value driven? What if he had set boundaries and once Joy crossed them, let her loose? People respect boundaries. Women respect boundaries. Women like a man who can stand up from himself. We might be living in the “#MeToo” era but men should not shy away from their masculinity.

Nice Guys are especially at risk in Thailand due to their conditioning. They’ve lived their life in their home countries being told to be “Nice”, and success with women, work and relationships will follow. Maybe they are coming to Thailand on the back of a broken marriage or the end of a bad relationship, or maybe they’ve never been able to find love in their home country. Thailand can be a dangerous place for these type of men.

Who are the Nice Guys?

• The guy that believes he has found his soulmate on his first trip to Thailand
• The guy who sends money to his girlfriend because he feels sorry for her
• The guy that is afraid of saying no out of fear of upsetting his teerak
• The guy that is afraid of setting boundaries in his relationships around unacceptable behaviour
• The guy who is afraid is girlfriend will leave him and does everything he can to keep her happy

Transforming into a “Not Nice Guy” doesn’t mean being nasty and that’s not what is being promoting here. It doesn’t mean causing hurt to people nor being inconsiderate of other values and cultures. Some men may baulk at the idea, if someone tells them they shouldn’t be so Nice but our thinking should not be so binary to believe that the opposite of Nice is being nasty or mean. This is about standing up for yourself and not letting people take advantage of you as it’s usually those Nice Guys who are at the biggest risk of loss in Thailand. One of the most important decisions you can make in life is who you choose as your partner. It can effect everything in your life but for many of us we don’t give it a lot of thought. We meet a girl, fall in love and before we know it we have the 2.5 kids with a white picket fence and wonder how we got there. And Nice Guys are notoriously bad at choosing good partners in life. They are afraid to set boundaries and without boundaries it is very difficult to establish a successful relationship.

I’ve been that Nice Guy. We’ve probably all at one point or another been that Nice Guy. Instead of being Nice, be strong, be confident. Don’t be afraid to say no and don’t stay in relationships you don’t want to be in. If you are prone to being Nice, when in Thailand (if you are enjoying the nightlife scene) don’t stay with the same girl for more than a day and don’t keep in touch with the girls when you go home. Those situations can lead to expensive trips to Western Union. Don’t be mean, don’t be Nasty but just as importantly, and something your mother probably never told you, don’t be Nice.

Yours sincerely,

Recovering Nice Guy

The author can be contacted at : lostfrequenciesinthailand@gmail.com