The Brokenman Is Repaired Part 17 Chapter 1
To those readers who have wondered why they hadn’t heard from me for over 6 months, I declare the rumours of my demise have been greatly exaggerated. I must also dispel the calumny that I was serving 6 months at her majesty’s pleasure. The reasons for my silence are far more mundane. Frustrations of an ageing and uncooperative computer and problems with my brokenmanrepaired email account contributed to a disinclination to engage with the keyboard and the loss of my muse. I confess congenital laziness cannot easily be discounted but I prefer to draw a veil across this. I had also discovered YouTube and became somewhat addicted, spending my free time exploring its output, learning far too much about esoteric subjects and pimple popping than was good for me.
Since my last submission in February, I made a visit to the land of vertical smiles in March but did not submit a trip report as I usually do. Since my return I have been busy with teaching projects around the country accruing a few shekels and with the frustrations of my computer could not generate any enthusiasm to indulge my previous love of penning the inconsequential missives I have been known for. I also felt I had probably exhausted the endurance of the Stickman readers with my long-winded interminable self-indulgent ramblings and with the departure of Stickman himself, it was time to hang up my metaphorical pen and fade into the background.
It was the intervention of my two sons that caused me to reconsider. They had recently remarked that I was becoming a boring old fart with minimal conversation. They are perceptive and had always maintained it was writing my inconsequential epistles that kept my mind sharp and stemmed the onset of dementia. They declared I was rapidly declining and needed to do something promptly before I become an incoherent knuckle-dragging Neanderthal.
I purchased a new computer, which my lads set up for me, restored my email account, and with a new resource set to becoming productive again beginning with writing up the account of my last Siamese sojourn.
As always, my journey begins at Digbeth Coach Station in Birmingham. I have the uncomfortable feeling I hadn’t shut my front door properly which is probably further confirmation I am destined for the loony bin. The National Express coach journey to Heathrow gave time to reflect. It was the first time I was travelling to Thailand without the urgent need to remove the metaphorical hump on my back, but more about that later.
When I arrive at Heathrow my priority is finding somewhere to have a last cigarette before entering Terminal 2, the new home of Thai Airways. I check in and eventually mount the aircraft without incidence. The long flight is relieved by good food and watching mediocre films I would never be bothered to visit the cinema to see. Being ensconced in a metal tube for 11 hours gives time for quiet reflection. My health is becoming a concern which necessitates some strategy to overcome. I am sure many fellows of a certain age experience health issues to some degree. It is a natural function of the ageing process and how debilitating it is as much a misfortune of genetics as of lifestyle. However, I am sure all will agree that getting old is a very high price to pay for experience.
I am not complaining as I consider myself very fortunate to be alive but I now have so many chronic conditions that should my doctor find another one I will be refused medical travel insurance. Due to circulation problems in my legs, I do have difficulty walking any distance. After 50 yards, I feel severe discomfort and at 100 yards I am in serious pain. Whilst this could be restrictive I compensate by careful planning any trip I undertake to ensure this disability does not limit me too much.
We land at Suvarnabhumi on time and after passing through passport control and bag reclaim I join the taxi rank. 500 baht gets me to the Nana Hotel (AKA the Mothership) by late afternoon. As I leave the taxi I note not much has changed since my last visit other than Hooters was now complete and the addition of the relocated Strikers bar adjacent to the hotel car park.
The Nana Hotel is still a little tired although they had spent some money on refurbishment. I checked in and was given a “superior” room, which other than the absence of those hideous brown blankets I could not see much difference from the standard rooms. However, I will admit the bathroom had been refurbished to a decent standard. I showered, shaved, threw on a drinking shirt and made my way to the Stumble Inn for a first beer. I followed this with another in Hillary Red where I also catch a bite to eat and soak up the ambience of early evening Soi 4.
I decided to stay local that evening and explore the Nana area. I entered the plaza, sauntered in an anti-clockwise direction and eventually came upon Bangkok Bunnies. I spy the sainted Stickman himself with Dave the Rave, obviously returning from their bible studies group. I stayed and exchanged a few pleasantries before letting them continue their missionary duties.
I took the escalator upstairs taking a beer in Billboard and Mandarin which boasts some delightful (if very young) girls. I end up in Hilary 4 and the rest becomes hazy until I woke up in my bedroom to see a rather elderly lady (I have no memory of) saying goodbye to me. I check my wallet to see I have spent 200 quid on my first night. Yes, I am back in Bangkok for sure.
As I enjoy a Nana Hotel breakfast I resolve I must stop drinking like a Soviet submariner on his 3-day annual shore leave. I spend a gentle hour drinking tea in the Hilary bar hoping to see Gin, my timeshare girlfriend from my last visit, but she had clearly moved on to pastures new.
That evening I take a motorcycle taxi to Soi Cowboy and after putting myself outside a club sandwich in Sam’s bar, popped my head into the Tilac. I must confess, unlike Stick, I am no longer a great fan of the place. It annoys me that it is the only bar that does not allow smoking. <And that is one reason I very much like it! – Stick> One of the pleasures I enjoy in Thailand is being allowed to smoke in the bars.
I went to the Dollhouse which I consider has a much better vibe with some lovely girls and was particularly impressed with a small girl with hair down to her ass who was absolute perfection. After a couple of beers, I left and slipped into Jungle Jim’s to buy my old pal Noi a drink.
I was surprised that Baccara claimed to be a private club and insisted I buy a drink outside before being allowed access. In truth, this was well worth it as it is a wonderful venue. I found a spot alongside the stage. On looking up I could see 3 levels of girls with no panties. I am prompted to think of Michelangelo lying on his back on the scaffolding whilst painting the roof of the Sistine Chapel. I can envisage him being bored with painting the cherubs (as directed by his papal masters) and visualise him picturing something like the view of Thai lady front bottoms I saw above me. Or maybe I should get out more often?
I returned to Tilac but disappointed with the number of fat girls there I find my way to Country Road bar. As usual there are several farang attempting to sing. None of them could hold a tune in a bucket but are amusing to watch. I am approached by a pleasant little poppet who introduces herself as Poy. She informed me she was 41 and originally hailed from Si Saket. Her English was very good but she spoke with a strange South African accent. She was attractive and amusing and I considered taking her until she quoted 4,000 baht which I remarked was a little rich for my blood. I explained 4,000 baht would be acceptable for a 20-year-old go-go dancer but not for a shop-soiled 41-year-old. When she offered 3,000 baht for short time I gave her a smile and walked away. I am beginning to realise these unrealistic expectations sums up the Bangkok of today.
I ended the evening at the new Strikers bar and finding it almost empty, had a harmless chat with two pleasant older ladies before returning alone to my room.
Friday was a lost day but ended up in the Bus Stop restaurant for dinner and had a rather tasty beef in oyster sauce. I watched with amusement a French couple order a 50-baht plate of French fries to share but the fuss they made with the waitresses you would have thought they had ordered lobster thermidor with a caviar side dish.
I took a beer in the Stumble Inn and am pounced upon by a Chinese girl who looked like a chubby Lucy Lu. She informs me she is quarter Chinese and had just celebrated her 40th birthday. She was quite entertaining and declared because she was quite plump she was only of interest to Arabs. She quoted 2,000 baht to stay the night with me. I thought about it for a moment but the thought passed.
I climbed the Nana escalator to Mercury bar. I bought an elderly dek serve a drink, explaining I just wanted a quiet drink so requested she ask the girls not to hassle me, but as expected this was to no avail. I did notice that the girls on stage were wearing white cotton panties which I could not fail to appreciate gave tendency to create a rather attractive camel toe in the front bottom area. I could also clearly discern the dithery bit through the soft material. The effect was considerably erotic. I felt if all bar managers realised the potential of this phenomena they could save the Bangkok bar industry. I had visions of bulk buying some white cotton panties and setting up a marketing operation expounding the concept of CTGP (Camel toe generation potential).
I made my way to Spankys and found a quiet corner, although I was not bothered unduly by the girls I was considerably annoyed when a Thai man came up and examined the slip in my bin. When I asked him why he did that he just shrugged and walked away. One must ask why the Thais can be such utter wankers sometimes.
I must admit there were some extremely attractive girls in the Spankys bar. I was quite taken with the shower show and particularly impressed by one girl who meticulously cleaned and dried the shower with a skill that would even have impressed my late mother.
Having considered Rainbow 5 and Angelwitch I declined and descended the stairs instead. At the bottom of stairs, I am accosted by Lek the dwarf girl who acts as a greeter at Suckers bar. She made a big fuss on seeing me, even remembering my name (figure that?). I confess I had in the past spent some drunken moments with her on my way home drinking and eating grasshoppers and locusts outside her bar with her. I allowed myself to be dragged into her bar.
There is a nice ambiance to this bar, so I bought Lek a drink and made myself comfortable. A rather shapely, long-legged beauty joins us who was without doubt the most stunning girl I had seen that evening. I buy her a drink as Lek explains she was deaf and dumb. I reflect only I could find myself in a Bangkok bar with a dwarf and a deaf mute.
In next to no time the conversation turned to me taking them both. I was very tempted and cannot deny it would have been an interesting experience but would have cost me nearly £200 and I was too drunk to do them justice, so politely declined.
Ended up in Stumble Inn with the intention of taking the chubby Chinese girl but found she had been already taken, probably by an Arab. I had a long interesting chat with Dave the Rave and just about scraped together enough money for a last drink.
I had been trying to keep to a daily budget of £100 (5k baht) but had been struggling. Maybe I am a pisshead (that is rhetorical, please don’t answer) but I fear that Bangkok prices are now on a par with London.
Overslept on the Saturday morning and knowing I had missed the Nana breakfast made my way to Hilary Red bar for a restorative cup of tea. My ass hadn’t hit the seat when I received an overenthusiastic welcome from a girl in her early 30s. Although a little on the chubby side was quite pleasing to the eye and introduced herself as Jane from Chiang Mai. I hadn’t even ordered my cup of tea before she asked me to buy her a drink. I told her not to be so pushy and made her wait until I had ordered and received said cup of tea. The young lady began her act as soon as she received her drink from me informing me she was feeling horny and wanted to sleep with me adding she hadn’t had sex for three weeks. This piqued my interest so I asked her how much she would pay me to satisfy her urge. She didn’t appreciate my humour but it did prompt the negotiation. When she quoted me 4,000 baht I could hardly believe her nerve.
I had noticed how much the prices or perception of value had changed in the 14 years since I began visiting but the last two visits had seen it accelerate. The price list in my mind was 2,000 for a beer bar girl, 3,000 for a girl from the go-go and 4,000 for a superstar but I concede I am clearly out of date.
I offered her 2,000, take it or leave it. She reluctantly agreed so we hotfoot to the Nana Hotel. She had a plump but unblemished body and her enthusiasm suggested her claim of not being serviced for a time was real. She was highly sexed and particularly responsive to my monger’s little helper. During proceedings, she asked for a further 2,000 to buy hormone (morning after pill). I laughed and told her she had no chance of becoming pregnant as I had a vasectomy 25 year previously which after some argument she reluctantly acquiesced. After 2 hours, she was itching to leave extending the concept of long time. I was relieved to let her go so gave her 3,000 baht.
That afternoon I popped into Hooters. I found the food palatable but expensive. The bar had some attractive girls but was surprised to see a couple of fatties amongst the crew.
I have an afternoon nap then in the evening have a wander around the Nana area, ending up in Big Dogs. I was impressed with its refurbishment and the toilets were spotless. I would certainly recommend this bar to guys wanting a gentle night. At 11:00 PM they showed the West Bromwich vs. Everton game and I spend a pleasant couple of hours with two (non-pushy) older ladies, eating chicken skewers, fried grasshoppers and drinking too much beer. It was only Everton beating us 3 : 0 that spoiled an agreeable evening.
I awoke early the next morning, eat a substantial Nana Hotel breakfast and felt invigorated. Had a stroll to the pharmacist next to Bully’s to replenish my medication. I made my way to Hillary 4 and am immediately accosted by Jane, my chubby Chiang Mai maiden. I had realised she was now my blocker for this bar so told her I was not interested as she was too expensive. However, she was crafty and gave me a story that after the 6 orgasms I had (allegedly) given her the previous day she slept until midnight. That morning she had given the 3,000 baht she received from me to her 63-year-old father who had recently had a baby with his 23-year-old wife. All Thai women are consummate actors. I am a soft touch and love a good story so agreed to take her back for an afternoon session.
After an hour or so she declared she would like to show me a couple of bars and “take care”. We jumped on a couple of motorbike taxis to a bar at the far end of Soi 4 and I swear the wanker of a driver did everything he could to make me fall off. I do wander why some Thais hate us so much. The bar was quiet and selling beer at 79 baht. Jane asked if I would buy a drink for two girls there which I did but then got jealous when I began chatting with one of them. The other girl left to play pool with a customer who had just walked in. Jane complained most vocally that this girl had left me after I had purchased a drink. Red flags began flying that this Jane was looney tunes. I paid the bill and walked back towards the Nana Hotel and popped my head into a pleasant little bar by EQ. Jane had followed me and called a pretty thing over who looked about 15. I bought her a drink and she informed me she was 36.
Jane began complaining about money again but I drew a line in the sand and told her in no uncertain terms she would receive no more. I cannot understand the concept of “take care”. Does it encompass having to buy everyone a drink to give her face or mean I dispense enough money to ensure I pay all the expenses of a small Issan province? Is it stupidity or duplicity?
That evening I took a motorbike taxi to Soi Cowboy and went into the Dollhouse. There is a good ambiance to the Dollhouse, the dek serve are fun, there is no hassling and the line-up on stage is impressive with some attractive girls. In fact, there are a couple who are quite exceptional. There is a little bit of showing which confirms my assertion that all fannies are not the same.
I take a stroll over to Long Gun. There is always a funny smell in this venue but I enjoy the shows. Some of the girls are a bit on the plump side but the two stars who perform the shows are as near perfection as you will see.
I return to the Nana area and take a final beer in Stumble Inn. I considered taking the chubby Lucy Lu but on seeing she was worse the wear for drink I decline. The thought of having to accommodate a drunken, fat girl did not endear. I did not have enough money anyway. I checked my pocket to find I could only scrape just enough for my last beer.
In the last few visits to Bangkok I get the impression visitors are on a meter that requires a certain spend rate per hour. I had tried to budget 5K a day but realise this is totally inadequate. I could not deny I was falling out of love with Bangkok.
I woke the next morning feeling a little pissed off that I still couldn’t access my email from my mobile or the several computers I had tried and felt isolated. This was most frustrating as there were many fellow Stickman readers I had promised to meet but could not contact.
I am woken at 6.00 AM by a knocking on the door. It is Jane, my chubby Chiang Mai maiden. She wanted money to pay off some debt on her motorbike or some such nonsense. I told her to piss off.
I avoided the Hilary bar that day taking brunch in Katie’s Kitchen. I cannot remember much about that day but recall later enjoying a Thai green curry in the Bus Stop restaurant before going to Bangkok bunnies bar in the plaza. This bar is good with an impressive line up on stage. Most of the girls are a 7 with half a dozen of them a solid 8. I am joined by a lovely girl named Bua who carried the number 46. I only mention this because of an interesting incident that occurred. As she was negotiating with me she is informed by one of the dek serve that a man had been asking for number 46. She excitedly left me to see her new suitor but soon returned to me. Apparently, the girl he wanted was the one who previously held the number 46.
I finish the evening sitting along the rails of Hilary which is a good position to watch the theatre that is the Nana area. Ladyboys, African women, unsuitable couples, cheeky street vendors, exotic food sellers, a mixture you could not see in any other city in the world.
Next morning after an early breakfast on way to the ATM I am stopped by Jane who apologised for her behaviour and claimed she wanted us to be boyfriend / girlfriend. I had a drink with her and listened to a convoluted story about police impounding her motorbike and demanding 17K. I had found her amusing but was getting rather bored so told her in the words of the Jedi master Yoda, “Problem you have… shit I don’t give”.
That evening I had a beef dinner at the Bus Stop but was disappointed to find the beef as tough as a bison’s hoof. Made my way to Soi Cowboy and popped my head in Lighthouse but was not particularly impressed that my ass hadn’t touched the seat before I was being accosted for drinks, so quickly escaped.
I am enticed into the Rawhide bar by two cuties who come and sit with me. They are both quite delicious and both farm fresh. I like the Rawhide, and I recall my pal Phil telling me he suggested the name to the owners as an alternative to the Long Gun 2 they were considering. Some impressive girls on show with nothing less than a 7, in fact no 69 looked like the American actress Lisa Kreutz.
Ended back on the rail at Hilary Red watching the amazing street theatre. At 12:00 a mixed group of young Thais and westerners arrived, closed the road off, stopped the traffic and gave a 15-minute exhibition of breakdancing. In truth, it was a really gay display that could only be appreciated when you are seriously pissed.
I awoke early as I was checking out that day but again at 6:00 AM I disturbed by the annoying Jayne knocking at my door. She had a new tale of woe apparently needing to get to Chiang Mai but had no food, water or fuel for her motorbike. I made the mistake of opening the door and she immediately prostrated herself at my feet begging I help her and give her 10,000 baht. In between sobs she declared she had taken care of me so deserved I help her. I counter that she had been a nuisance and had just been trying to extract as much money in the minimum time. She was making a huge scene in the doorway and as I wished to continue packing and grab breakfast before checking out I took the easy way out. I gave her 2000 baht and told her to bugger off. I ignored her protestations that this was not enough, locked her out and continued to pack. I clearly needed to escape Bangkok and this psycho-bitch with all good speed.
I have a degree of sympathy for Thai bar girls. It is a hard life with the need for money voracious and unrelenting, but I think Jane’s unencumbered expectations went somewhat beyond the pale and was extremely annoying.
I eat breakfast, check out of the Nana and took one the ageing Volvos that is called the Nana limousine service, to Suvarnabhumi Airport. As we entered the expressway I reflected I was glad to be away from Bangkok. I am tempted to think I may be falling out of love with the Big Durian <Um, that’s usually regarded as the nickname for Jakarta! – Stick> and although I will visit Thailand again in future I may leave Bangkok off my itinerary. It is just too expensive and mercenary and now lacks the sense of fun of even a few years ago.
I was Issan bound for a week in Udon Thani and hopefully a different and gentler experience. As usual I ask you to watch this space as I relate the next stage of my Thailand visit in my next submission.
It was nice to bump in to you in the plaza back in March and a shame we did not bump in to each other again on that trip.
I have to endorse what you say about the prices in the bar areas in Bangkok these days. Things really are not the bargain they once were.
The author can be contacted at : [email protected]