A Crazy Life – Part 3 (Welcome to Bangkok)

In my part 2 submission, I explained how I got involved in the lucrative adult chat line industry, the ‘perks’ of that job, and how a serious illness forced me to leave the UK for the hot and humid climate of Thailand.

My plan was initially to make a few short visits to Thailand, to sound out if it seemed a reasonable place to live, if it was beneficial to alleviate my lung illness, and to see what sort of business opportunities might exist.

Since being made redundant, I had immediately returned to the world of mobile SMS text messaging. I had a small team of employees who marketed the various mobile applications that I developed. Business was good and I opened offices in Spain (https://econsultancy.comnma-archive/43808-link77-opens-up-spanish-office/) and The Netherlands, and operated SMS services in about 10 different European countries.

(That news report about my Spanish office quotes me as saying that the location was good for sourcing multi-lingual staff. Of course, this is complete bollox. I located my Spanish office in the small town of Fuengirola because a) it was right next to the beach and b) there was a high-class whore-house with high class Brazilian whores in the town, which got a lot of my custom!)

Off topic, but I’ll recount a little story about that Fuengirola whorehouse. It was packed full of very pretty ladies from many different countries in South America, all who were willing to please a guy for a wad of money. When you went in to the main reception area, there was a small bar along one side where clients would sit, chat and survey the line of pretty ladies who would line up along the other 3 sides of the room.

Now one problem that I had was my eyesight. I have been very short-sighted since 5 years old and at that time I wore contact lenses which would steam up in the hot and humid atmosphere. (They would also steam up in the heat of sex, but that usually didn’t put me ‘off my stroke’).

So sitting in this reception area, I could see a bevy of long beautiful legs, firm asses and well-endowed breasts. But my ability to see facial features was not so good. I recall spotting the most gorgeous pair of legs atop a pert arse, with tits to die for. I chose the lady, beckoned her over, only to discover that her teeth stuck out like a rabbit! I consoled myself that I probably wouldn’t be staring at her face for the next hour.

Oh, no sign of any ladyboys in that whorehouse. If they were there, then they were damn good post-ops (or my bad eyesight let me down!).

So prior to my flight to Bangkok, I thought it prudent to arrange a female ‘companion’ to take care of me and act as a translator. After all, it seemed unlikely that I’d be meeting the Brazilian women at the lap-dancing club in Madrid again (more’s the pity).

So I had got chatting to a cute looking Thai lady on one of the dating websites (this was in 2002, so I think it was probably Friendfinder.com). She spoke good English, looked quite ‘fit’ and explained that she was Muslim, but not so serious about that). I said that I’d pop over to Bangkok for the weekend and could she please meet me at Don Meuang airport.

I don’t think she took my comment that I’d pop over for the weekend all that seriously. I flew to Bangkok on QANTAS Business Class on the Friday evening, coughing and spluttering throughout the flight.

I had only visited Thailand once before, with my English wife sometime in the 90’s. So it was great to feel the heat and humidity of Bangkok as the door of the plane opened on the Saturday afternoon. And of course the smell of Bangkok! I’m sure that’s a memory for many expats and tourists as they arrive in the City of Angels.

I made my way through immigration and customs and sought out my new friend. Sure enough, she was waiting for me, and seem very surprised that I had actually ‘just popped over for the weekend’. The first thought that struck me was ‘Jeez, your photo on that website must have been photoshopped, ‘cos you look as fat as a hippo!’. Still, looks are not everything and she seemed to have a nice personality and spoke very good English, (which should perhaps have been a warning sign, but I was still wet behind the ears).

We took a taxi into Bangkok and arrived at the Windsor Suites, where being the gentleman as I am, I had booked two adjacent rooms. However, this Muslim women had other ideas. Hardly had I entered my room before she literally threw herself on top of me (which considering her weight and my fairly small statue, knocked the wind out of me). I could say that she forced herself on me, but let’s call it 70% forced sex by her and 30% willing sex on my part.

Anyway, it was a nice welcome to Bangkok, and so it looked like we’d have an enjoyable weekend together.

We had arranged to fly down to Hat Yai the next day, where her family lived. In those years, the far southern provinces of Thailand had not yet erupted into violence – let’s say it was sort of simmering. So we flew down to Hat Yai and commandeered a taxi to drive to her family’s house.

Their home turned out to be a bamboo shack, hidden down a muddy track, far from any other civilisation. As we proceeded down this remote track, I began to feel uneasy. I had no idea where I was, didn’t speak the language, and this ample-bosomed women might get the urge to sexually assault me again.

My fears were unfounded. Her mother, who had a wrinkled face and looked to be about 120 years old, was friendly enough. She spoke no Thai, only the local Yawi language (a bit like Malaysian but written using Arabic characters). A meal was prepared for me – I recall that it might have been fish, or might have been rat or … or … who knows. My main concern was that I would go down with acute food poisoning, but I survived OK to tell this tale.

We hired a car the next day to visit Songkhla and the beaches. Whilst the scenery was all very nice, I was a little perturbed to find that my new companion spoke to herself. I don’t mean just a few words. I mean she had animated conversations with herself, including shouting loudly.

I realised that out of all the Thai women on that dating website, I had found the nutter.

I needed to get shot of this loony as quickly as I could. On our return to Bangkok on Monday morning we stayed at the Dusit Hotel in Silom. I had to break the news to her that I’d rather not see her again. Sensing that telling her ‘Because you’re a raving loony’ might not go down too well, I gave some weak excuse to fob her off. (Actually, looking back on these events, I should have just walked out of her life and got on with mine, but as I mentioned, I wasn’t yet used to illogical, crazy Thai women).

As soon as I told her that it was over, she went bat-shit crazy! I suppose she saw the chance of milking this walking ATM slipping away. She burst into tears, sank to the floor, grabbed my legs and started screaming like a banshee.

Jesus, what should I do? I decided the best option was to quickly leave the hotel, disappear into the crowded streets and lose her. So off I run down the hotel stairs, with this mad women chasing after me, screaming all the time!

I ran out in to the street in Sala Daeng and flagged down a taxi, threw open the door and jumped in. ‘Bai nai?’ asked the driver, as they do. I didn’t speak Thai in those early days, so all I could say was ‘go! Go!’ as the mad Muslim was trying to open the taxi door. We sped away and my last ever memory of her was standing in the middle of the road with tears pouring down her face, still wailing and screaming like a lunatic.

I reflected on these events as I flew back to England on Monday evening. (By the way, I drove around and around Silom for about 1 hour on Monday afternoon, before I dared to return to my hotel – happily the loony had disappeared).

(As an addendum to these events, I spotted her profile again on the website a few weeks later. She had changed her name and profile details, and now claimed to have a PhD in some obscure subject – total fantasy!).

I decided that if I were to find a more permanent and mentally-stable companion in Bangkok, I needed to scrutinise their dating profiles a lot more carefully.

But my weekend trip had been successful in 2 ways. The most important was that after just 2 days, my cough and general under-the-weather feeling had all but vanished, thanks to the heat and humidity. Even the pollution in Bangkok didn’t irritate my lungs. The second plus point was that although my trip had only lasted a couple of days, I liked what I saw (apart from the loony woman).

I hadn’t had enough time to investigate business opportunities. But an idea grew in my mind to launch my various SMS applications in Thailand, as well as other countries in South-East Asia. I could rent an office in Bangkok, liaise remotely with my offices in the UK, Spain and the Netherlands, and then fly back to the UK every couple of weeks. So hot Brazilian women when I visited Spain and likewise with an Asian twist when I visited Bangkok.

As I waited for my return flight back to Old Blighty, I decided that I needed to return to Bangkok as soon as possible for further investigation of my ideas

So I booked another flight to Bangkok for the following weekend…just 5 days later.

The author can be contacted at : help@myanteach.com