I Say Never Again But I Do
After enjoying most of the submissions on Stick’s site I thought I’d write a few words and submit my story for a read. This is my first ever. I’m an avid traveler to the land of smiles, sometimes on my own, sometimes with mates. I thought I’d write some humorous episodes about things that have happened to me and I’d say to some of you other punters out there too.
But first I’ll tell you about a couple of mates of mine on their first trip to Thailand, staying in Patong, very raw and very green.
They checked in to a hotel on Second Road, tossed their bags in the room and headed out for a beer.
The first bar they found was full of girls and had cold beer. Fuck me, they said, how good’s this? What sort of bar is this and all these girls are all over us! They had no idea what was around the corner, and they had so much fun they drank there for next 3 days without going anywhere else. They didn’t think it was possible to be anywhere better than this bar. They bought drinks for all the girls, and took girls back to there room all night, not knowing that Patong is a big place until Tommy needed to find an ATM and he walked straight into Bangla Road at peak time of the night! He’d never seen this before – bars, night clubs, gogo bars, girls on poles, the whole shebang. Tommy ran back to his mate and said we gotta leave here and I’ll show you something….fuck off ya c@&t I’m not leaving here there’s nothing out there for me there’s nothing better than this! It took him another day to convince him to leave the bar and explore Bangla Road and all it’s nightlife. They couldn’t believe what was out there and were a bit disappointed they’d spent most there holiday in the one bar! After 12 nights they checked out of the hotel to go home, Tommy told reception, I haven’t touched the mini bar so there won’t be any other charges, Just a moment mister Tommy and then the cash register tape started spitting out, 500, 500, 500, 500, 500, 500, 500 etc. Joiner fee, total 14 girls 7000 baht, his eyes popped out of his head, what the fuck is this?!
I booked a hotel once by calling reception directly and dealing with the girl on the front desk, rooms were 1800 baht. l told her I would stay for 4 weeks can you make it a better price, she finally agreed to 1,200, I was happy with that (great rooms) I checked in. I was happy but the manager wasn’t, the place was full, every room booked and they must have all been paying 1,800 baht except me. People were arriving asking for vacancies but being denied, the manager must have realised she was losing money with my room, so after day 4 I got a notice from reception, it read, ” Due to hotel SAFETY inspection of your room and some renovations you will not be able to use your room for some time, therefore you will have to check out, we have organized for you to stay at another hotel.” I did protest but to no avail. I found another hotel I was happy with no problem. The thing is I rode back the next day on my motor bike and looked up to the balcony of my old room only to see beach towels hanging over the rail and some girl having a coffee and reading a book. I guess they got their 1,800 baht!
Once in Thailand I thought I’d do the girlfriend thing, (never again). Nid’s parents lived just out of Sakon Nakhon in Isaan, so I said we could go up there for 4 or 5 days (never again). I jumped on the internet to book a hotel and there were only 3 choices that appealed to me, but only one hotel had a nice big swimming pool, (as big as a local council pool). We arrived at the Dusit hotel late, checked in, I had a couple bears, we had a bite to eat then bed. The next morning I woke up, put some shorts on, grabbed a towel and headed for the pool. The trouble is I couldn’t find it. On asking reception I was told it’s BROKEN. I said where is it I’ll fix it, oh solly sir it bloken, “Yeah but where is it?” Pool not good bloken was all I got, so I went to their computer in the lounge (close to reception) opened up booking.com, found the hotel, went to the pictures, found the picture of the pool and got the manager, on showing her pictures of her lovely hotel she was quite impressed with all the pics, then I got to a picture of the pool, all of a sudden she had no ENGRiT (English) solly solly no engrit.
I rang booking.com to get the picture removed, and let them know I’m not happy. The girl at booking.com put me on hold, and at that moment the hotel phone rang and it was booking.com. The question must have been asked and the receptionists told booking.com that they have a pool. The girl at booking.com then came back to me and told me that I was mistaken and the hotel has a pool.
I told her I to get on a plane and come up here and show me where it is, and if you find it I’ll cover all your cost ‘s and give you 5000 baht extra, at that stage she got angry with me for being a nuisance which I’m sure was just her way of saying Thais are never wrong and that I was a stupid farang (saving face and all that). Well, guess what? I got to the bottom of the missing pool. The picture of the hotel pool on their website was the local council public swimming pool 3 km down the road on the other side of the town. (Never again!)
Oh no I’ve done it again! I refer to the girlfriend experience… Her name is Meow and we travelled up to her village for a week, 40 km out of Ubon Rachathani. We got picked up at the airport and headed out to the village. Oh my (never again), no shops, no bottled water, no toilet paper, (ok I like the bidet now) no food, no bed, no chairs, and no sex! We all slept on the communal floor.
I lifted the lid on the pot, tonight’s dinner cooking on the fire, Frogs with sticky rice. Oh my, I’m going to get very thin here this week. The next morning I managed to borrow a ute from a neighbour for 300 baht plus fuel, so we in to town.
To get supplies on the way in I got done by the police for an unregistered vehicle 600 baht. On the way back I got done by the police because princess had no seatbelt on, 300 baht, never again! That afternoon a 14-year-old boy strolled in to our house holding his cheek and nose with blood dripping down his face. He’d been stabbed by the horn of a buffalo. I said he must get to a hospital now. Meow told me the family has no money to take him so I gave them 1,000 baht to get to a hospital. I didn’t care about the money, the boy’s heath needed to be seen to, tetanus and all that. The next day I saw the injured boy and there was no change….he never even went! I asked what happened and was told dad spent my 1,000 baht on alcohol! Every lady in the village would come around and try to sell bugs, spiders, frogs, soaps, etc, it never stopped! It was worse than being on the beach at Patong with the sellers.
After a couple of days I soon realized my only role in the village was to supply the local men in the village with beer and cigarettes every afternoon. On the morning of day 4 the princess and I packed our bags and left for Bangkok. I just had to get out. I’m not soft I can live in conditions like that. It was just the constant asking for money and buy this, can you buy that (never again).
I don’t hook up with a Thai girl now for more than 2 or 3 nights, usually only 1 night, but if they are good fun and like to laugh and I’m happy to be with them it’s 2 or 3 nights. For me it’s all about attitude, so when I barfined a girl named Janny who was a certain 10/10 absolutely, she had it all, just drop-dead gorgeous and pleasant to be with. I told her she could stay for 5 nights and 5 days. I was in heaven.
Every afternoon I’d give her 300 baht to pay the barfine, so she’d hop on her motorbike and go back to her bar and pay the boss. I never went back for a beer there as it was on the other side of town.
On day 4 I bumped into Janny’s boss in Jungceylon Shopping Mall. He asked me if I had seen Janny as he hasn’t seen her for 4 days. I said she’s with me, and he quite rightly told me I had to pay the bar for her each night. I explained that I gave her the barfine everyday to take to you, and she told me she’d seen the boss and paid bar! I went back to my hotel and told her this and she had no hesitation to look me in the eye and say she did. Oh my, the lies. It got sorted.
The stories of what can happen in Thailand never end. I have learnt to not take anything to seriously now and laugh everyday, like the time my friend ordered tomato soup and got French fries, how the girls can have many guys in a day but the moment they see you with another girl they crack the shits.
I’m not into ladyboys and I thought I could pick them easy, so when I was having a drink one night waiting for a hairdresser to finish work, I got chatting to the cutest girl called Nok. I arranged for Nok to meet me the next day as I was waiting to pick up the hairdresser that night, so Nok and I exchanged numbers, the next morning I got a text from Nok, it read “for you may not like me I am ladyboy” Oh my.
Then there’s the time we were having a quiet beer in Khon Kaen after a game of golf. After a couple of hours drinking we thought we would hit the other bars up the road were we could each get a girl for the night. We could see all the beer bars and they were empty of customers, plenty of girls and no customers. We were being very smug of how good this would be, a girl in each arm so to speak, we’d have the pick of every bar, spoilt for choice you could say. As we paid our bill and about to hit these bars we could hear this almighty rumble coming up the road. Oh shit, about a thousand bikers arrived in town for a bikers’ convention. Thais, Aussies, POMs, Kiwis, and Yanks all stopped at the bars and took over the place. We had no chance and I slept alone that night.
I will never pretend to understand women, Thai or otherwise. I’m too old and wise to put up with any shit they can put on us. I just don’t cop it and 95% of the time it works in my favor, so one time when due to fly back to Australia, sometimes I’ll spend a couple of days in Bangkok before doing the airport thing. I brought back a girl from Pattaya to stay with me for 2 days. She’d been with me in Pattaya and was good fun (bird in the hand better than bird in the bush and all that) so the first morning we were having the hotel breakfast, (Sukhumvit Soi 11) fxxk me I’d been the greatest guy to this girl!! But during breakfast for no reason she grabbed the room key card and went up to our room. Pissed of for some reason, I just continued to enjoy my breakfast and stayed downstairs and enjoyed my coffee. I wasn’t worried about valuables as they were locked in the safe. Ok, it’s time to go back to my room but I can’t get up the lift. She’s got the card, so I call her, no answer. I know she’s never far from her phone so I called and again, no answer, and again no answer, so I text her, “Please come down I can’t get up the lift!” No response so I sent another text, still no response, fxxk this I said, I’ll get a reaction! So I sent the next text, it goes like this, “Don’t worry, Noy, I’m going up to the side street off soi 8 for a blow job!”! Bang the phone rang in a heart beat.” Now she wants to talk to me.” I still went up to that side lane way of Soi 8 and paid 700 baht for a great time, and I told her so. To this day 4 years on she still waits for me to come back to Thailand and calls me on Line and Viber and she’s never talked about my time in Soi 8.
I have another story about being undercover with a Pattaya massage girl but maybe next time, I’ll see if anyone likes this read first, cheers!
The author can be contacted at : firstname.lastname@example.org