Stickman Readers' Submissions September 21st, 2016

First time Phuket, Pattaya Part 1

There I was sitting in my friends study. As usual, I was helping him to book flights and hotels over the internet, for another of his adventures. This time Thailand. As I was looking at flights to Phuket, he blurts out. “You’re coming with me!”

“Where?” I replied, thinking we were going out somewhere.

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“You're coming with me to Thailand, I want you to come”

“What ?! Thailand, what the fxxx do I want to go there for" was my annoyed reply. "Fxxx off, I'm not going to Thailand. I just came here to help you look for flights and hotels!"

"You’re coming to Thailand with me!", he repeated forcefully.

All Thailand meant to me was dirty old men, equally dirty and diseased women and drunken Bogans. I had never been and had no intention to go at all . Plus I always traveled alone, with the exception of a couple of organized tours. Gosh, I had lived in Europe for 4 years by myself and had a ball. Why would I want to travel with someone even if it’s one of my best friends.

Twisting my arm around my back, literally, and being quite forceful about it, Steve reiterated, "You're coming with me to Thailand, I don't want to go alone! You're coming and you have no say!"

He was putting a lit bit more pressure on my already aching arm, what else could I do but relent.

"OK, OK, just for you" I replied, "and only because you're one of my best friends. Consider yourself very lucky."

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Instantly I felt a pang of regret at saying yes. I have known Steve for nearly 20 years, we have gone on a couple of weekend trips locally and they went OK. But I didn't really want to travel overseas with him; I had a fear it would strain our friendship and that he would drive me nuts and thus would have a shit holiday and waste money I didn't have.

Over the years I had many work and family friends who had holidayed in Thailand. Some on missions of debauchery, others for the family package holiday. The stories I had heard varied greatly. "Oh man what are you waiting for, the girls are so hot and easy." "Don’t go it’s a waste of time, it’s such a shithole. The women are all diseased, don't touch them you'll catch something. And the food is shit!" "The holiday was OK. The kids liked it, the hotel pool was nice."

In my mind all the tales had merged into a thought that it would be a country I would like to visit, much later in life and more out of curiosity than anything else. But really none of what they had told me gave me any enthusiasm or desire to visit the country.

I went home with a feeling of disbelief, thinking to myself. "Thailand, what am I going to do there. Gosh I’m going to be so bored. Oh well I might get a root, who knows. Fxxx, why did I say yes for." Arriving home I started my research. I had a week to look up what to do and what attractions to see. I am the type of traveler who likes to get up early and cram in as much as possible in the day. My friend Steve is the opposite, stays up late gets up late, does fxxx all during the day except shop and eat.

“It's gonna be shit and a waste of money” I thought to myself again.

One of my other friends who is a Thai addict, 2-3 times a year for the last 7 years, gave me a book called “Money No.1” by Neil Hutchison. Fortunately I took Sam’s advice and read it a couple of times before I left. What good advice that was. The book is informative and written solely for male tourists visiting Thailand for the ladies, and it’s a good laugh.

The day came to leave, and as usual I didn’t tell anyone until the day before. We left Tullamarine Airport on time, flying on a 777. What a smooth flight it was. We chatted with the lady sitting next to us. She was getting a facelift and boob job and paying around 1/3 of the price at home. Good on her.

We touched down at Phuket Airport and arrived at our hotel with no hassles. Good so far, I thought. We changed and headed straight for Bangla Road. Gosh those power lines! How don't they catch fire? Bangla Road was insane. I had never seen anything like it. What an immersive overload of the senses. Bums, boobs and beer being thrust in my direction, every direction. I didn't know which way to look. The open bars that stretched to infinity, full of scantily clad ladies. Dancing, wiggling, wobbling, and gyrating like I had never seen before. I have been going to the strippers here for years and my gosh, the girls in Thailand put them ALL to shame. Steve and I sat down at a bar, he couldn't take his eyes off this particular dancer. She came down and sat next to us. Instantly he was caressing her awesome gluteus maximus. Steve looked at me and said “Well, have a feel!” I did and instantly thought I would get thrown out and with the girl screaming obscenities …. nothing. WOW, at that moment I understood. I understood why Thailand is so attractive to (farang) men.

Steve had summed it up perfectly, “In Thailand the women are the men and the men (farangs) are the women.” How true I thought. We (men) are the ones who get hunted. I liked it. We ate, had beers and saved long time for the night after.

The next day we had a relax by the beach. Food is cheap and everywhere. Evening markets selling all sorts of enticing delicacies, including scorpions and crickets! I didn't try them.

That night we hit Bangla Road again, finding our way to Tiger Bar. Got my arse kicked at Connect Four. Although I did manage to have a tied game, much to the girl's annoyance. Quickly I realized it was true what I had read and been told …. “The girls may be educationally dumb, but they're fxxxen smart and sharp. Keep your eyes open and your wallet tight.” Luckily I grew up in a rough neighborhood so I didn't feel too vulnerable, and had my wits about me.

At around midnight we hit the upstairs club at Tiger. It was pumping. Girls everywhere, sizing me up the moment I had walked in. “Gosh, the ladies outnumber the men”, I noticed. And then it struck me, “They're all available!“ Wow what a smorgasbord! But another Thai myth was about to be broken. Just because they're available, doesn't mean they want to all go with you. And if they don't, they quote high, like Steve does when he doesn't really want to take on a client. Haha it was funny, I pointed out a nice looking girl to him and she asked for 5000. He was offended. “She didn't like you Stevo, hahaha."

I found a cute girl, “How easy was that”, I thought, whilst Steve was struggling. I realized they don't like graying men. Not in this club anyway. Me and my girl were on the podium dancing, when out of the corner of my eye I noticed a nice looking lady with big tits. Hard to find and exactly his type. I was waving frantically trying to get his attention. Poor Steve was looking depressed as he was being ignored by the girls. Finally he noticed my wildly flapping arms, and I then pointed towards big tits who was still on her own and standing close to him. As soon as he saw her, he pounced, but first picking up his eyeballs from the ground. It was an instant connection. We all danced together some more and went back to our hotel.

The girls didn't mind that we were all in the same room, we obviously had our own beds. I must admit it was strange hearing my friend rooting a girl, but then I was doing the same. After a pause to freshen up, Steve let me feel his girl’s boobs. Very nice, but enhanced. My lady, gave an instant look of jealousy and annoyance.

We both got back to business. After a some personal fantasies being fulfilled, one being performing various feats of horizontal gymnastics on the very open balcony which looked out to the courtyard my walnuts started to ache, so I asked my girl if I could deposit some of my exclusive facial moisturizer for her enjoyment. Much to my surprise, she said yes. I duly deposited it and she used it gladly. Wow now I know why men become addicted to this place. Another myth was broken that night. I had always thought that girls worked against their will, and that they hated it. To my surprise many seemed happy, and not all wanted to be bar fined, and go with a farang.

Also another myth for me was broken, that only desperate old men visit Thailand. Gosh nothing could be further from the truth. Yes, of course, there is that element there and some of it quite seedy. But you see that everywhere in the world. What I did notice was that there are lots of lonely men there, of all ages. Men that obviously had a tough time with women back in their own countries, for whatever reasons. Yet in Thailand they had a place where they could get company, be happy and not get some ridiculous women’s lib attitude thrown back at them. They looked so contended and happy. And why not, good luck to them I thought, and good on them for saying “fxxx you” to social pressure and stereotypes. I personally don’t care what people think about me now. After so many years of crap treatment from entitled white western women, I couldn't care less anymore. I go and enjoy.

During the day we did the usual tourist things – shop, drink beer, sight see, buzz around on our scooters. It was so much fun. I felt so free. We got a facial treatment at the shopping centre and I came out glowing. Pedicures, manicures .. it was fun. The highlight for me was visiting Phang Na Bay, and patting tigers at Tiger Kingdom. Wow awesome! I couldn't be happier.

What a trip it turned out to be. It had everything a single man could want. Plenty of girls to choose from, cheap food and beer, places to explore, nice beaches and party every night of the week.

It’s true what I had read, that the departure lounges at Bangkok and Phuket airports are the most depressing places in Thailand. I certainly felt that way on my leaving.

So, thank you Steve for twisting my arm and pretty much forcing me to go with you. It has opened up my eyes to a new way of living, and has given this very jaded man something to look forward to in his life. So many thoughts and feelings of entrapment, limitation and boredom have left me. Finding the perfect girl ? Who cares …

Part 2 … Pattaya next.

Quote from Sam… “Phuket is primary school, Pattaya is the university.”

Thank you for reading.


Stick's thoughts:

You shared a room with your pal on a naughty boy's holiday?!

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