Don’t Mention The T Word
I read with great interest a recent submission “A free tutorial on deportment and grooming” by Sidney. It was informative, amusing and well written. I recognised many of the issues but began to suspect it could well have been aimed at me (or at least the writer’s perception of me). If this was the case I assure the writer I did not take the slightest offence and in admiring the article have taken it in the spirit intended. If it wasn’t actually intended for me I do apologise for this submission.
I must point out over the past ten years I have received quite a few missives offering similar counsel. As with those previous articles, whilst worthy and appreciated, the simplistic and generalised advice would suggest the writer has no current experience of modern women in the western world having probably been happily ensconced with a charming Asian female. I suspect it has been many years since they had to face the reality of female behaviour in the new paradigm of western countries. This in no way detracts from the value of their advice it is just that it does not particularly help me.
I must also declare despite my protestations I am a bit of a fake, in truth I am not particularly upset about my lack of success with western women and have long been reconciled to it. A relationship with any woman is probably the last thing I need. I must confess I do however enjoy using the situation as a vehicle for the (hopefully) amusing observations when reporting dysfunctional female behaviour in my own submissions. On reflection I realise the continuing lamentation about my lack of success has maybe run its course and now is probably the time for me to discontinue the theme in future submissions.
All that being said, there was some good stuff in Sidney’s article and provides a comprehensive check list for any fellows undertaking the process of introspection. I totally agreed with the need for someone objective to inform you if something about you is mildly off-putting or blatantly obnoxious. Thankfully I think I can tick most of the boxes. I always carry a breath freshener spray, my grooming is exemplary I shower at least once a day and apply a subtle cologne. Those who know me (which includes many Stickmanites) will confirm I have a cheerful demeanour and a welcoming personality. I still however regularly undertake the process of introspection. The initial procedure resulted in a more modern hairstyle and some updating of my wardrobe but other than that my inquisitors could not find anything significant which is why my lack of success is so mystifying to those that know me and remains an inspiration for my ramblings.
On the international scale where Megan Fox is 9 and Susan Boyle (or Olive off the buses) is a 2, I would probably rate a mere 3 or maybe a 4 if I had my best suit on. However realistically we should be compared to our peers in the environment we operate in. So if I am being compared with men of my own age a new scale is required. In this modified scale where Pierce Brosnan is a 9 and Albert Steptoe a 2, I could probably rate a 6 or maybe a 7 when dressed in my tuxedo.
I do appreciate it is probably only Brits of a certain age who will understand my allusion to Albert Steptoe or Olive off the buses. The stickman congregation is a broad church geographically even if it has a commonality of ideas and values. If I made a statement to being beaten by a breaker off the leg stump, half the readership wouldn’t understand but English Aussie Kiwi South African and Indians would immediately get it. If I mentioned drinking the cool aid, Americans and Canadians would comprehend whilst the rest of the world would remain bemused such are the minor differences of idioms in the English speaking world. There are also a significant number of non English speaking readers from Europe. I correspond with a few Scandinavian and German guys, all extremely decent fellows who share our perspective and actually understand most of my allusions.
I do acknowledge the pertinent comment made about trying to find women outside of bars and pubs. I frequent the Opera when it comes to my city and regularly patronise the theatre. I sing at concerts in churches and community centres. I chat with women in libraries and supermarkets. I would love to be informed of other sources for meeting women. It is universally accepted that whilst the middle class meet their future wives at the office the working class tend to meet their partners in pubs. I do acknowledge I possibly spend too much time in pubs but do not accept I am a piss pot and consider I am merely a social drinker. I never drink before the sun is over the yardarm and do not drink at home under the premise that no one should drink with carpet under their feet.
I mentioned in a previous missive I had found a new higher class venue in my town named MJs. It was seemingly full of older women who have tried to take care of themselves compared with the ill clad creatures I usually experience in local hostelries where most women of my age look like toad of toad hall in drag. As an aside I walked into a pub the other night I do not usually frequent. It was so full of ugly people I thought I had walked into a gurning competition.
For a few weekends I would go to MJs to observe these (ostensibly) older well dressed women who still had almost discernible waistlines with great interest. From a few close examinations of the lines and wrinkles on their faces I concluded they were in my acceptable age group (55 to 65) and fair game. Over a few weeks of engagement it was to my surprise to discover the majority of those I thought in their 50s were actually only in their late 30s or early 40s. It was most disconcerting but understandable therefore to find my attempts at polite conversation rebuffed as they were in fact 15 to 20 years younger than me and hence had mudgeons that were still lined with gold.
Those people who think age is just a number should try being a gentleman of maturing years. The majority of middle aged women I know openly declare they are only interested in men 5 to 10 years younger than themselves and would never countenance being with a man even 2 or 3 years older than they are. Whilst this desire for young flesh and vitality is understandable it is a bit of a bummer. I have no idea where the authentic well kept women of my age group actually go at weekends. I suspect they stay in watching strictly come dancing with a cat on their lap.
I must report that last Saturday the usual eastern European bouncers who know me as a regular were not on duty and I was refused entry to MJs by two young Asian doormen. They claimed my light chinos were not considered smart enough for the venue that evening which I considered somewhat spurious. When I went the following week and complained of my treatment the manager apologised and explained these new doormen had decided to refuse admission for anyone they considered too old for the venue. I was given a free pint in recompense but was somewhat disquieted by the admission that they did want old geezers in that particular evening.
As previously stated my friends remain mystified as to my situation but as Sidney suggests there must be something wrong or I must be doing something amiss. I am beginning to accept that maybe getting old is a significant factor.
Over the years I have referred to myself alternatively as a sad old tosser and a boring old fart. Thanks to Sidney’s recent sub I can add miserable old git as another phrase to the canon. However I now think there are subtle differences in the terms.
A miserable old git will write vitriolic letters to all and sundry and complain incessantly about everything. He is usually a wretched creature beyond redemption.
A boring old fart probably has some virtues but does little other than visit his local bar to play darts or dominos, watch football on the TV or sing at the karaoke.
A sad old tosser is a chap who can not pull a proper western woman so his visits to Thailand once or twice a year are his only source of female affection.
Then the thought struck me, could the Thailand connection also be a factor?
Every Stickmanite knows the mere mention of Thailand is an anathema to western women. It can prompt quite violent reactions amongst those with feminist leanings and even tolerant females involuntary and visibly blanch if they hear the word Thailand.
These days I am very careful about mentioning my Thailand association. I even conceal my annual trips with a cover story that I am working on a consultancy in China. I can not completely escape the stigma of people in my community recognising my Thailand connections as many remember my Thai wife living with me and a couple of Thai ladies I once squired around the town.
I am ashamed to admit I was not always so discrete. On my return to the UK from my very first visit in 2005 I felt the uncontrollable urge to tell all and sundry about my amazing experiences in a newly discovered paradise. I did this with an almost evangelical zeal without any thought of tact or discretion. I believed it was quite acceptable that a bloke who perceived he had undertaken a life changing experience would want to share it with friends. The subject of Thailand pervaded my every thought and action. Every situation I encountered would be compared to my Thailand experience. It had become the only topic of conversation I could endure. As a result, friends shunned me, stray dogs would cross the street to avoid me and even beggars ignored me in fear I would relate one of my Thailand tales to them.
The negative reaction by women was somewhat understandable. The description of slim smiling attractive young women giving attention and affection to unworthy creatures who should be suffering under the control of proper women is clearly an abomination to them. What did however surprise me was the attitude of many British men. There exists a “middle England” mentality that any man who is associated with Thailand is clearly a degenerate.
There was a time when I considered this attitude stemmed merely from envy. I would observe outwardly successful men who were little more than beasts of burden to disappointed wives and ungrateful children. I noticed very presentable middle aged blokes quite happy to be seen with women who could easily be mistaken as their mothers. More disturbing was the number of younger men who tolerated rude, selfish (and invariably fat) young women as their partners.
There is no doubt that my 10-year association with the land of smiles has ruined me and for a time had zero tolerance for the antics of the spoilt and entitled creatures that modern western womanhood had become. For a year or so I was an unashamed misogynist and a pain in the ass. Fortunately over the past 8 years or so I have calmed down and become somewhat more philosophical about the worst excesses I perceive. I became less vocal about my views and instead directed my energies into writing interminable submissions to the stickman site. Although I now have a more balanced viewpoint I fear the residue of my previous ranting may have remained in the memory of a few people despite the passage of time. It would appear being a “bad boy” is acceptable to women but seeking an alternative from the cultural Marxism pervading our society is intolerable to them.
There remains a lack of understanding and a definite misconception about Thailand amongst the general population, certainly in Britain. I recently had a new group of students and I intended to give my traditional lesson on the history and development of metal casting as an introduction. I always pay particular attention to the Bronze Age evoking descriptions of how early man may have discovered droplets of metal in the embers of the camp fire. I enthuse how they made the mental jump that these droplets somehow came from the effect of their fire on the ring of stones that surrounded it.
When I was in Thailand last December I spent some time at the Ban Chiang archaeological site near Udon Thani. It is the most important Neolithic site in South-East Asia. In addition to the impressive discoveries of pottery and grave goods there are some wonderful examples of early bronze casting of ornamental broaches as well as the ubiquitous spear and axe heads. I was quite excited and took lots of photos with the intention of including them in the slides for my lectures.
The new class I was tutoring was a group of young men in their 20s from foundries in Essex and the East of England. I am an enthusiastic teacher and soon had this group of lively young lads engaged in the subject. That is until I got to the slides of the Ban Chiang castings. At the mention of Thailand there was an almost pavlovian reaction amongst the class with comments such as “Was you shagging ladyboys, sir?” Every statement related exclusively to the third gender. I was a little surprised at their apparent obsession with ladyboys. I have found this fixation with chicks with dicks to be increasing commonplace amongst young men.
I laughed along with them but remarked that there was far more to Thailand than ladyboys. I mentioned the wonderful food which is a world cuisine, the famous beaches and a long history with impressive temples. I also explained there was a lively night life and some of the most beautiful females on the planet. Thailand is also the major producer of pick up trucks in the world. I completed the picture with descriptions of police corruption, incompetent politicians and some of the scams perpetrated on tourists.
In the subsequent months the group settled down into a routine but as with all my classes when they want a break from the subject being taught I am asked about my experiences working abroad. I share anecdotes from my time in America or China but invariably they only want to hear about Thailand. I often promise if we achieve the learning objectives of a lesson I will show them a couple of photos from my collection of Thai girls in West Bromwich Albion shirts, but never actually do.
I postponed the Thailand trip I planned for September as I have a very busy period between now and December. I have been taking on the jobs that my colleagues and competitors don’t want to do and undercutting them on the general work which has ensured I remain busy. I still have a lot to do sorting my late mother’s affairs, will eventually be moving into her house and my eldest son is getting married in December.
So it will probably be late December/January before I visit the Kingdom. I envisage a few days in Bangkok at the Nana hotel patronising Soi Cowboy and Nana Plaza. I will hopefully renew contact with Jen my timeshare girlfriend from the Hilary bar who so enchanted me last year. A trip to Pattaya will involve meeting old pals. Walking Street will figure in my plans but will also frequent Secrets Biergarten and LK Metro bars like Scooters. By then I should have stopped pissing Birmingham water and be relaxed enough to try new experiences. As always I hope to meet the girl of my dreams but will not be too disappointed if I don’t. I will also spend a few days up in Udon Thani with my ex wife Nat as I enjoy her company. Udon Thani and Nong Khai offer a pleasant change of pace from Bangkok and Pattaya. A further week in Bangkok will complete my holiday before flying back to Blighty.
I have promised to abstain from writing any more submissions bemoaning my lack of success with western women. This does not mean I will refrain from writing my interminable ramblings it just means I will find another subject to bore you all with. Watch this space