Mangomanbangkok

Stick can’t make it this week (something about a Kiwi watermelon eating contest) and I agreed to fill in for him. To be honest, I’m not based in Bangkok – in fact, I’ve never actually been to Thailand – though I once went to Spain on a school trip. I think it was quite hot and the women seemed a bit racy.

So here goes! Stick will be back next week and I’ll give it my best shot.

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MANGOMANBANGKOK

A sort of one-off alternative to The Weekly Stick Column, Live from Farangland.

Disclaimer: Don't take the preponderance of coverage of expat bar areas to mean that that is all that and that this, and another that for the hell of it, that this fantastic city has to offer. Farangland has some indecent parts as well.

This column is published every Sunday at a cool and fresh 6 AM European Farang time, which corresponds to the overwhelming heat of a sweaty midday Bangkok. <Auckland, at 6 PM, is even cooler, and much fresher – Stick>

This submission does NOT contain anything remotely sordid. If that is what you're looking for, there are plenty of bum-bum-centric articles elsewhere to find that. This is not one of them.

I appreciate tip-offs from readers about anything of interest you see in Bangkok, so if you are aware of anything do drop me an email and let me know what’s going on over there.

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Reader’s Submissions

Having been absent from the site for years and though not actually having set foot in South-East Asia, I have read extensively from the archives going back as far as 1st of April 2015 (I looked for an April Fool gag here but found none) to date, a hundred or more reader submissions, I feel qualified to make some humble observations that even the most frequent contributor, Anonymous, could hardly take issue with.

It may, or may not be, because he (or she) is anonymous and that Anonymous’s writing varies in both style and content, making it hard to summarise; but he is undoubtedly prolific, and though a bit shy of publicity, is widely read – e.g. the most anthologised poet of all time is Anonymous.

Primo: length of sub; 5 to 15 k is too much. Say 2000 max or split it into parts.

Secondo: length of paragraph. Keep them short.

Terzo: length. Of. Sentence. Same.

And tidy up the grammer and spelling like what I do.

Bleeding Heart. Roughly equivalent to Stick’s Green Star but of negligible kudos; this week is shared jointly by Hua Hin Harry and Hua Hin Horny. Sorry Anonymous. The reasons for my selection will be justified below.

Keep them stories rolling in. Remember, nothing between the sheets please, we are not in some third-world rat-infested hovel now.

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Readers Sub Review

Hua Hin Harry’s Excellent Series: Online Dating – Can It ‘Work’…?

Synopsis: ‘Can I find a maid/gardener/secretary/shag buddy for less than 1,000 baht a month?’

Stick Himself indicated surprise that there had not already been a spoof on it … I thought about having a go and soon found myself trying to suck off an elephant … I mean, could I fully grasp the parodic genre of a what itself was a caricature? It was an enormous undertaking. The most I could expect to do was lick its balls. I had to have another mango. <Change your diet, dude! Dr. Stick recommends going heavy on watermelon then incorporating it in to your diet long-term>

Then I found it was done, and so well I didn’t even know. I thought it was another Harry episode. My fault; Hua Hin Horny is too like Harry’s moniker to a man pouring over hundreds of unread articles. Thank Stick for that. <Mai pen rai – Stick>

Hmm … I’ve had a go at ‘Hua Hin Harry’ already. This is a tricky one for sure; what with some warm and familiar feelings about his monocataclysmic experiences in sometimes tedious contributions, it’s hard to do much more than refer to the trusty tick list. A parody? Tick. As I said, it was Stick Himself who ordered it to be done. Then it was. A tick for Stick. <Thanks! – Stick.> But readers like me who at first didn’t failed to grasp the parodic nature of Horny’s sub may be justifiably excused. Half a tick for me and us. That in itself could be seen as positive appraisal of Hua Hin Horny’s work. Ticks for both Harry and Horny.

The original caused Marcus in Bangkok to fire his secretary. A tick deduced from Harry. I’ve already argued that Harry’s artistic use of the mother tongue was already self-parody and the imitation of the style of the artist, with deliberate exaggeration for comic effect was not easy to pull off. A bit like my elephant. For example, no one has been able to make a decent pastiche out of ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’. The original always win out. An enormous tick for effort Horny. And thanks again for the original Harry!

Result: Draw. A replay? Penalties? Spin a coin? A fist fight? No, split the prize.

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Annoying Tick List Continued …

This is what I had in mind. An implausible but barely indistinguishable name and title gag? Tick. Something about repeatedly telling us the names he gave to his interviewees were not real? A big tick. Something about Harry’s prudent economic approach for the sake of balance? Finish with a cheery Pip! Pip!??? Tick, tick, tickety tick tock. Then I was stumped leg at middle leg. I even emailed Harry for ideas but he did not cooperate.

So, the most burlesque set of tales since Dana’s caravan continued to rumble on. And the hatchet job was done on Harry even before he had finished. He went on to submit 20 parts, not 400. Topsy did not grow that big. And yet, who can hold up their hand (other than Stick) and admit they have read Dana’s Complete Works? Excepting of the Man from the Great White North, who skimmed them in bed to avoid buying sleeping pills, we all read Harry’s stuff to see if it got worse. It did.

That’s all for now folks… Tick! Tick!

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The impact of Brexit on Bangkok

Never mind 23 June, the Brexit could happen as soon as 15 April. That’s when Songkran celebrations conclude – and after that most Brits won’t be putting their remaining shillings on there being a Britain in Bangkok ever again.

In increasingly apocalyptic exchanges of email with my countrymen, I detect a tendency to forecast the worst from those who see deterioration that even data analysts can’t contriv … sorry, discover a single statistic to support their claims, as the number of UK tourists grow.

“I think it’s over,” said one escaping monger, “I’m off to Spain,” he continued, going so far into autopilot that he (and we) fell asleep mid-sentence.

Taking note of which way the wind is blowing and forecasting accordingly is the usual tactic. We not only know that hindsight is the only exact science, we also know that the use of evidence to support a prediction is almost unknown. Aging leads to desensitization; even of Hooters.

It’s all just a ghost of Songkran past; youth and statistics don’t hold up assertions of doom, but like Patrick Swayze in Ghost, the spirit of pessimism won’t go away.

The end? No.

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Latest Bar News

Talking of all things nawty, the authorities have clamped down on last Thursday night’s excesses at the Nana Plaza and Soi Cowboy, which have now been forced to closed until further notice.

Bar owners in Nana have been cautioned the groping of, and by, Hello Girls, customers fined over the non-payment of bar-fines, blocking toilets with man-farang man-jacks and the cultural vandalism of picking a fat one out of a line-up.

Staff in Cowboy venues have been red-carded over the firing of ping-pong balls, arriving late for kick-off, refusing to go long-time at half-time, and throwing up at full-time. Patrons have been given a yellow over two-footed tackles and the impact their pool table manners are having on young and impressionable bar-girls after one was caught belching with joy as the contents of a bottle of Singh dribbled down his chin.

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THIS WEEK’S PHOTO: was taken in Trafalgar Square before it opened, while busking at the top of Nelson’s Column – a northern province of Farangland (the Isaan of Europe).

FROM THE MANGOMAN’S INBOX: (These are emails from readers and what is written here was not written by Mangoman.) In fact, there was nothing written at all this week.

EMAIL OF THE WEEK: I already told you there were no emails received this week.

LEGAL DEPARTMENT: There were no legal questions received this week.

Your Bangkok commentator, live from the UK,

Mangoman

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Mangoman’s Sensible Thoughts:

<Away from the bar scene, especially in Farangland, a lot of farangs go through a phase where they think they have found a decent girlfriend. It can last a while, and just like the ladies of the bar, it often starts with a lady they are shacking up with, such as at university. They then get ripped off more than they ever thought possible.>

<Stick's thoughts: It's hard to imagine anyone quite as full of s*** as you. I gave you the benefit of the doubt on your last submissions, but I now suspect you're taking the fucking p*** – you need to eat more watermelons dude.>