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A Tour of South East Asia, Part 3





14th March Wednesday Evening, Bangkok

After 9 hours travelling time, at least two hours of that on the Cambodian-Thai border, including refreshment breaks, we probably only spent 6 hours on the road. At 6 PM we got to Khao San Road in Bangkok. The backpackers seem to be pleased about that because they are giving it to each other here, but I have to get nearer the meadows of the Suk to graze on the freelancers. It is times like this I thank God I am no longer young.

I have always wanted to say to the backpackers, ‘Just what the fuck do you keep in those massive rucksacks? The combined total of all the clothes I have ever owned wouldn’t fill half of one of those; and why the hell are those enormous boots hanging from the outside by their laces? Just where do you get the opportunity to wear those in the city of Bangkok?’

It is also disappointing that it’s the busiest part of the day. That means another hour of travel. I need the free air of a tuktuk – but not an awkward driver who will accept only US dollars at his own fanciful exchange rate of 25 baht to the dollar.

I found a tuktuk and he wants 300 baht. I said, 'OK that is twelve dollars', at first he agreed, but then on the way pulled up in a side street and wrote down 25, 12 times in a long column, struggled for 5 minutes to add it up, before telling me it came to 375, and telling me I owed him 15 dollars. I explained that all you do is DIVIDE 300 by 25 and it comes to 12. He looked me in awe as if I had just performed a magic trick, but when we got to Nana he still argued for 15 dollars. ‘Look,’ I said to him, ‘I’ve just travelled all the way from Siem Riep for 15 dollars – YOU FUCKING ROBBER.’ Still smiling, I patted him on the back, dumped $12 in his palm and walked away. I’ve said this once, but for the sake of emphasis I will say it again, you can say what you like here as long as you keep a smile on your face.

At last I got to my usual room in The World Inn off the Sukhumvit on Soi 7/1, which is in the annex across the road from the reception and next door to the Eden. It is only 900 baht a night and has everything I need. You can bring in who or what the hell you like without bother because there is no desk at the door.

I had a good hot shit, a shower and a shave, lay back on the bed and rolled my first joint of the day.

14th Wednesday, Very Late in Bangkok

At about 9:00 I strolled next door to the Eden and for the rest of night, after sampling the standard product of the Club, and in the early part of next morning, I was having carnal knowledge of a dwarf, a pregnant woman and a topless go-go girl. In respect to the site's sensitivities, in the account which follows, only tasteful features are retained.

With my spy-cam watch activated I walked from the Eden to the Nana car park and spoke to some of the freelancers. Then ambled around the Nana Plaza, all two floors, even found a third floor which was used as ladies changing room. It was notable that no-one screamed as I entered. In fact, I doubt anyone noticed or cared. ('TIT', as they say – This is Thailand).

I then walked up the left side of the Sukhumvit Road towards Soi Cowboy. The stalls were still open and only a few freelancers working the side walk. Near Asoke Skytrain Station I spotted an interesting midget freelancer standing with a pregnant woman and spoke to them, promising to come back for them after I had checked out Soi Cowboy and asked them to wait for me.

I made a tour of both sides of the soi but I was in haste to get back and claim my freak show. I don’t even remember looking in Baccara (I was a wanted man in there, I will explain later) but paused outside the Rio bar hoping to see some familiar faces among the hello girls. I inquired about Jane but all I got was blank looks. So I went inside and saw her sitting near the bar, topless as usual, in spite of the fact she is almost devoid of mammary tissue having only enormous nipples. She recognised me instantly (I am a memorable sight, and I don’t mean that in a positive way).

Excuse my indulgence as I digress fondly on Jane Baht who I picked up tonight from the Rio. I first met her on 14th February 2010. I know the exact date because mamasan told me her barfine would be doubled because it was Valentine’s Day; wasn’t that a nice touch? Are the managers of the go-gos really so inept at promotion? Can't they CUT the fucking price for Valentine's? Romance IS gone. Her name sounded like Ten, so she became Ten Baht, when I realised she was Jane (it is how they speak) she became Jane Baht.

The misunderstandings proliferated; ‘My birthday 18, Thursday,' she told me. But it turned out she was 32, and the 18th was the date of her birthday – she could have passed for 18 – I am hopeless at estimating the age of Thai women. I took her back with me and kept her all week, it was probably expensive but money in those days wasn’t so much an issue. I had reaped, and heartily sowing, an enormous win on the dogs.

On the day of her birthday I was able to bar-fine all of her friends and fund a massive karaoke party. In those days I was sick with passion and threw roses with the throng – but they are long gone – now I am scraping along on the cheek bones of my ass.

Jane is one of those relatively rare nymphos, who in spite of her best to maintain dignity and put on a professional front, she betrays herself by copious lubrication. At first, when she was in the throes of ecstasy, I was concerned and said to her, ‘Are you OK?’ I really thought she was dying. When I got to know her better I pointed out to her that she appeared to really like sex. She became defensive and said angrily, ‘SAME AS YOU.’ I wanted to say, ‘Yes, but I’m a man – that’s why I’m paying for it’ – but I welcome equality too much to spoil her fun.

The trait I really like most about Jane Baht is that she appears to lack any jealousy. Once I tentatively suggested picking up a freelancer to spice it up a bit and not only was she nonplussed, she took an active part in the selection.

But not tonight! Our co-stars were already waiting patiently for us at Asoke Station. There weren’t many punters around and I was confident they would be still there. Anyway, they were a pair of ugly fuckers.

As we hurried back down the Suk for my midget, I knew I had part of the narrative of a joke I heard once, featuring a midget, a topless go-girl and a donkey. I couldn’t remember the punch line, and had a pregnant woman thrown in for the hell of it – and where the fuck was I going to get a donkey at this time at night?

However, I was to find that once again, in Bangkok, everything is possible.