Thai Family in the UK, November 2015
I am writing this post to try and shed some light on the nonsense often written on this and other sites about marrying ex-bargirls. First, let me get the un-pleasantries over by explaining that it is my belief that the last place a newbie farang should go to get advice on marrying a Bar Girl is to ask mongers or anyone living in Thailand particularly if they live in or near the bar scene areas and indulge in it. Whilst they may advise on bar fines, costs, short/long time, etc. they usually have little or no experiences of long term successful Thai/ Farang marriages outside Thailand.
I have been browsing this site since 1999 (approx). For the record, I am an ex-professional Expat, now retired and living back in the UK, who has worked in the International Construction Industry overseas for 30+ years and who also has a Thai family with my much younger and attractive ex. Bargirl wife. We married about 15 years ago after we had lived together for a year or so. I also took on board and subsequently officially adopted her then 4-year-old son. We also have our own lovely young daughter who was born in Thailand. Both my wife and our two kids are now UK citizens with UK passports. Further information on our family can be gathered from my previous submission Thai Family Moves to the UK on the 17th June, 2014.
Before starting, I would just like to add some background information. I made my first visit to Thailand (Pattaya) in January 1998. At that time I had got to the stage in life where I felt that it was time to settle down with one lady. I had given up with Farang ladies, who in my experience, did not seem to be able to stay faithful whilst I was away working. Probably, my own fault, for always picking attractive good time girls.
Anyway I had decided to have a good look at the girls in the bar scene in Pattaya to see if I could find a suitable partner there. Now before anyone calls me a prize idiot I must explain that I was in possession of a vital piece of fundamental information. What I knew for an absolute fact was that Thai bar girls can and do make great wives. This information came from years of talking, listening and socializing with dozens and dozens of fellow working expats and their Thai ex-bargirl wives and families, virtually all of which seemed to have excellent marriages.
When I returned from this vacation it was obvious that the major problem facing me was how to find and select a suitable lady as a partner. Everywhere I searched on the then relatively basic Internet advised not marrying bar girls. Then I came across a web site that actually said that whilst it was not generally advisable to marry a bar girl it could be alright in some cases, though the chance of finding a true soul mate was so slim as to be virtually impossible. It also described a possible strategy to find a good bar girl suitable for marriage. The name of the web site was, believe it or not, “Stickman Bangkok”. From my memory, I think that this strategy was published on or just after Mr. Stickman wrote his very first and second reports on Pattaya whilst staying at maybe the Eastiny Inn or Lodge in or about 1999. Though I may a bit out on these details after all it was some time ago.
Basically Mr. Stickman’s strategy involved adopting a small bar as a base and getting to know the girls, mamasan and owners, but never bar fining any of the girls. Always being well dressed and polite and thus becoming a well liked and respected customer. With luck, but not always, when you brought a girl that had been bar fined from another bar for a drink she would be politely questioned by the mamasan and girls who would in turn not only advise you of their opinion of your new girl and give her a good account of you. In other words it was a way of possibly getting some good info about prospective new girl friends. Suffice is to say that I followed this strategy, whilst incorporating a few modifications of my own, and in due course my wonderful future wife popped out of the woodwork and the rest is history. In this respect I owe Mr. Stickman a huge “Thank You” for outlining his strategy all those years ago.
Now I can come to one of the important things about overseas Thai/Farang marriages that do not seem to be discussed on this site. This is the changing dynamics of the family. There have been numerous submissions highlighting the power of the extended Thai Family, which over time, in the eyes of many Farangs, undermines the status of the Farang and relegates him to that of a simple money supplier for the extended family. In the overseas Thai/Farang marriages, being away from the extended family, the Farang usually keeps most of his status and the husband and wife tend to merge into a partnership on a par to a traditional marriage. In other words the Thai wife, at least in the first years, needs a lot of Farangs help and support in dealing with mundane things, i.e. with visas, driving lessons, finding a home, buying a car, etc. etc. and learning about her new country.
After a few years even more monumental changes occur when the couple have children. When this happens the power of the family returns big time, but it is not the power of the of the extended family that takes precedence but the power of the immediate family i.e. it’s their kids that matters. Most husbands or wives will confirm that when both parents unite to be good parents for the benefit of their kids then their marriage partnership generally gets stronger.
But this is not the end of it. As the kids grow older and grow up another major persuasive factor comes into play. The kids have minds of their own, whilst they may have greatly enjoyed many holidays in Thailand; it is Farangland that remains their true home. Out of curiosity I asked my own kids how they would feel about moving back to Thailand to live. The answer was an absolute and inequitable “No!” followed by looks of shock that I could even think about such a thing let alone suggest it.
I was worried that my wife would be a little upset by the kid’s reaction but she said she was OK with it as she did not want to take the kids back to Thailand but wanted to stay here with the great schools, universities and free hospitals where we, including herself, were all safe and happy. As far as my wife’s concerned, obligations to the extended Thai family are still there, but strictly limited to her mother and occasionally to her brother’s kids, the rest, cousins, uncles, aunts, etc. are out.
If anyone thinks that my situation is the exception that proves the rule and that the old mantra “Bar girls bad, Non-Bar girls good” is correct I would say that over the years I have met loads of Thai/Farang couples both overseas and in the UK that have long and good marriages. Many have been married far longer than myself, but are still going strong. Why don’t you hear from them on this site? The answer is simple they have absolutely no interest in the Bar/Gogo scene and are very happy enjoying their married life and remaining loyal to their respective wives.
Finally my apologies if the above may have upset anyone with contrary views to my own on Thai/Farang marriages and Bar Girls, but the world is a big place and quite often the truth can remain hidden for a long time.