On-Line Dating- The Real Story
Hi Stickman Readers, call me Hua Hin Horny (not my real name). I recently wrote a 242 part series depicting my quest to find a gardener/masseuse/cook and part time sex partner on-line, but have decided to summarize my activities into one post.
I live in Hua Hin (which is why I call myself Hua Hin Horny (not my real name)). I have a house with a fairly large garden and since I am a lazy bugger (and also the cheapest bugger you could ever hope to meet) I decided to find a Thai woman (not a bar girl) who would take care of my garden, cook for me, clean house, give me daily massages, and have sex once in a while (I am getting a bit too old for that sort of thing). Did I mention I was a cheap bugger? I never pay 10 baht when 5 will do, and never pay 5 when I can get away half a satang. So I figured I could get a Thai girl (not a bar girl) to come stay with me and budgeted one thousand baht a month (although I was hoping to pay less).
At first I asked around the bars I frequent in Hua Hin. Since I am cheap bugger (did I mention that?) I usually order one beer and nurse it throughout the evening. It gets warm after about an hour so I also bring a flask with ice cubes which I use to chill my brew down. I never buy ladies drinks (if the lady is thirsty she can get some water in the toilets) and besides, buy one lady drink and the next thing you know her whole family has moved in.
For some reason I can’t figure out, none of the girls in the bars would accept my offer and even worse didn’t have a cousin or niece they could recommend. It just goes to show you how lazy all Thai women are. Failing to find someone close to home, I thought the next thing to try would be to look on-line and try to get an Isaan girl (not a bar girl), because everyone knows that Isaan girls are quite happy to move to Hua Hin where they don’t know a soul to cook, clean, weed, massage and have occasional sex for 1000 baht a month.
637 profiles later, I finally decide on 6 ladies, who I arrange to meet at MBK, Bangkok, knowing that all Isaan ladies know exactly where it is and besides, I know a place I can stay at all day without buying anything. The ladies are Toon (not her real name), Poon (not her real name), Moon (not her real name), Amber Skye (her real name), Madonna (still checking) and Busarakham Supitiyaporn (not her real name). The first meeting was scheduled for 10am and each meeting was to follow exactly 90 minutes later, allowing me time after each interview to pee, write up my notes and refill the girl’s water glass.
Did I mention that I knew a restaurant to stay in for free? Here’s my plan. I bring two glasses (I had stolen them earlier from the same place). I sit down at a table and fill my water glass from a flask I bring with me. The girl’s glass I refill after every meeting, rinsing it out in the men’s loo.
At 11 AM I get a text from Toon (not her real name) saying she took a right turn out of her driveway in Isaan instead of left, and now reckons she is somewhere near Luang Prabang. She says she can make it to Bangkok by 3 so I reschedule her. Poon (not her real name) texts at 1145 to say she forgot to wash her hair and had to go back home. She reckons she can get to Bangkok by 4. Moon (not her real name) neither texts not calls nor shows up so I reschedule her for 6. Amber Skye (her real name) shows up with her “sister” who speaks perfect Oxbridge English and claims to have a PhD in Oriental Studies from Stamford (I later find out that while she has finished her thesis she still hasn’t done the oral interview. All Thai women are such liars). I find out during the interview that Amber Skye (her real name) doesn’t know how to garden, can’t cook, can’t massage and doesn’t like to have sex more than once a year so after much reflection I decide not to invite her to my house.
Madonna (still checking) is lively, funny, with decent English and an attractive smile so I ask her if she will come visit me in Hua Hin, which we arrange for the following week. Lastly, Busarakham Supitiyaporn (not her real name) shows up with multiple tattoos and piercings. She is quite fat. I tell her I don’t want a bargirl in my house which she is fine with, so I take her to a short time hotel for a quick massage. She gets huffy when I refuse to pay her, with me claiming she came voluntarily, but I finally relent and give her my BTS card (which has expired and has no money on it but I don’t tell her that).
A week later, Madonna (I am still checking but I am pretty sure it is not her real name) is due to arrive at my place. I give her very clear instructions. She is to text me when she leaves her house in Isaan, when she arrives in Bangkok, when she gets on the bus to Hua Hin, and every 15 minutes while she is on the bus. It is exactly 13 minutes from my house to the bus station, to which I add 3 minutes to find a free parking place (I am a cheap bugger, you might have noticed) so if she contacts me 15 minutes before she is to arrive then I can easily get to the bus station and perhaps not have to park at all.
I take my usual nap and the next thing I know there is a pounding at the door and Madonna is standing there. She comes in, announces she is tired (she only had to wake up at 2am to leave her home in Isaan, what is it about Thai girls that they always want to sleep? Why didn’t she buy an inflatable pillow and sleep on the bus? Stupid gits). Anyway, she comes in, lies down on the sofa and proceeds to fall asleep.
Meanwhile it being Sunday, I prepare the usual Sunday lunch of roast beef, Yorkshire Pudding, mushy peas and mashed potatoes (I leave the skin on for the nutrients so the mash is a dirty grey). Madonna wakes up and upon seeing the food bursts into tears (why are Thai women so emotional?). She digs some dried sliced squid out of her bag and proceeds to munch quietly while I tuck in. For some reason, she refuses to do the dishes.
After dinner, I offer to watch a movie on You Tube (I am too cheap to buy a TV or cable). I put on “La Belle et la Bete” (Jean Cocteau, 1946) which is only in French with no subtitles but I figure she wouldn’t mind. She falls asleep during the opening credits (why do Thai women sleep non-stop?). I wake her up to go to bed and she gives the first smile of the night and says “Good. Now I can do smoking with you.”
I’ve been in Thailand long enough to know that “smoking” means oral sex so I quickly hop into bed, not bothering to shower as I had already showered two days before. Madonna takes the longest time in the bathroom but finally comes out, glistening with water drops, wearing only a towel tightly cinched around her lovely waist. She gets into bed next to me, huskily breathes “Now it is smoking time” and proceeds to light up a Marlboro Red, after which she falls asleep. I couldn’t wait to see her off the next morning.
Just as I was on the brink of giving up, success finally struck. I was on line when a new posting arrived from a woman named Yingluck (I needed to check if it was her real name) from Chiang Mai. She said it was her first time on line, but her English was too good and I suspected she was a bar girl. (She later claimed she went to University in America, but we all know how Thai women lie).
She refused to post a picture or use her video cam so I assumed she was god-awful looking.
Her story was fairly typical. She was the youngest of 9 children. She had a son by a Thai man who never married her (“Thai men no good!”) and had to take a series of jobs to support her family. Finally her older brother helped her out financially. (Her older brother had been a cop and then it seems made some money in the telephone business—I assume he had a small shop doing repair work). But her brother got into some sort of legal trouble and had to flee the country (Yingluck told me she thought he was in Cambodia).
She moved back to Bangkok and I think she took a job in a restaurant. (She kept talking about something she called a “rice skeme”). I gather her restaurant did well for a few years until some cowards (she called them “yellow”) did a protest and forced her restaurant to close for a few months. Finally another group came in and took over the restaurant. They weren’t specialists in the restaurant business but generalists (she kept referring to them as “generals”). They were still running the restaurant and things were quiet but she said they were out to get her “rice skeme” (I made a note to Google the recipe). She got very upset at this point saying her rice skeme was good, and that people in Isaan loved her rice skeme (I got confused why Isaan people would like a Chiang Mai dish but figured she was confused. You know that Thai women aren’t so smart).
When she finally stopped harping on her stupid rice skeme I asked her if she would come to my place to garden, clean, cook and massage (I was a bit embarrassed to mention the occasional sex). She was quiet for a moment and then asked “how much?” I didn’t like being put on the spot so I just typed “1” figuring if she wanted more than one thousand baht a month we could negotiate later. She finally agreed saying she really didn’t need the money but mostly wanted a place to “lie low” for a while. I asked her when she could come and she typed “tomorrow of course”.
The next day I was awakened at 630am with a huge noise. I went outside to the garden and saw a bulldozer clearing out my entire garden. I started to scream but the bulldozer paid no heed and having demolished everything, chugged away. Al length an incredibly expensive looking pre-fabricated house was towed into my now clear yard and deposited there. The door opened and the most gorgeous woman I have ever seen emerged. In her mid-20’s, slim, white skin, firm breasts and long legs- a delight to behold. I stammered “Yingluck?”
Her laugh was like ice cubes melting in a glass of Johnnie Coke. “No, silly, I am the personal assistant to the personal assistant to Khun Yingluck. My name is Samorn Shintiwachai (but that’s not my real name). Please let me confirm the details of the arrangement. Khun Yingluck is to supply gardening” (she looked around), “probably not necessary now, cooking, cleaning, and massage. First question: Thai or Western cooking?”
“Thai and western” I replied.
“French or Italian?”
She wrinkled her nose. “English”, she wrote down. “What about sex?”
“Well, just a cuddle now and then” I answered, assuming she would get the message.
“A cuddle”, she repeated and wrote down. “And you agreed you would pay One per month.”
“Er, yes. Is that enough?”
“I suppose so. Here is the contract”.
She handed me a piece of paper, all in Thai, and handed me a pen. She stood over me and smiled. “It’s all there” she said, “don’t worry”.
I signed. She made a motion toward a van that had pulled up and out came 6 women who she introduced. “This is Toon (not her real name), who will do the garden. This is Poon (not her real name), who will clean. Next we have Moon (not her real name) who will cook Thai, Amber Skye (her real name), who will cook English, Madonna, who will massage…” (Madonna smiled at me and shook her head No) “…and Busarakham Supitiyaporn (not her real name) who will cuddle.” Busarakham, I must remind you, was enormously fat.
“When will Yingluck arrive?” I asked.
“Khun Yingluck will arrive tomorrow afternoon by helicopter. You may make an appointment to see her through me.”
Samorn continued. “Khun Yingluck will forego the first months payment. After that, the contract you have already signed has the bank details for you to transfer the One million baht every month”.
As I fainted, the girls made no effort to catch me. Thai girls will do anything to avoid work, as you know.
That’s all. Cheerio.
Hua Hin Horny
Note, if you have gotten this far, I wanted to apologize to Hua Hin Harry and assure him it was all in good fun. I have enjoyed his series to-date and hope he continues.