Stickman Readers' Submissions October 30th, 2015

Online Dating – Can It ‘Work’…? – Part 17

Part-1 outlined my basic reasons for investigating ThaiLoveLinks.

Part-2 detailed my first two meetings with tender Thai damsels.

He Clinic Bangkok

Part-3 covers two further meetings with less tender lasses.

Part-4, in which I investigate a ‘company girl’, and take a break.

Part-5, where the ‘company girl’ gets another break.

CBD bangkok

Part-6, and I meet with two bored, and boring, ladies.

Part-7 wherein we limber up to meet three ladies in two days.

Part-8 where I fail to meet two out of three ladies, and check The Plaza.

Part-9 and I fail to meet the third lady.

wonderland clinic

Part-10 continues the search, closer to home.

Part-11 and the first actual audition in the home.

Part-12, and the local talent comes home to roost.

Part-13, and another multiple trip to Bangkok.

Part-14 My lost life to the end of 2013.

Part-15 A little success ends in tragedy.

Part-16 wherein two ladies arrive for a few days, and leave within 48 hours.

Between the silly nonsense with Naa and Nang in March/April, 2014 I had come across ‘Sai’, in Khon Kaen, who looks ‘different’… and writes little but often, and eventually suggests she could come here, for the day, and with a friend, in May… and then I don’t hear from her again…

I continue playing with ThaiFriendly for the rest of the year, without success – most of the ladies who express an interest in me clearly haven’t read, or understood my desires and are patently unsuitable.

One lady, of 52, who’s profile declares she hasn’t any children and lives alone, suddenly admits she has four children, two married, one away working, and one at university. I suggest this information slightly ‘contradicts’ her profile and she snaps: “I say you I have one daughter but if you not like up to you you have other girlfriend bye.”

Some of these people can be amazingly rude… especially if they have a touch of the guilts… And how many Thai ladies in their 50’s write in this manner…? Is it because they are brought up not to take responsibility for anything they do or say…!? And why is it, when they are turned down, they always accuse me of having another lady…? Is it because they are brought up to believe all problems are someone else’s fault…!? Or is she simply telling me to get another girlfriend…?

And this finally brings us to 2015…

In January I have interest from a lady in Chiang Rai, and apologise that it’s a long way, for me. She replies: “It’s a long way to uk and aussie” – I decide not to dispute it…

I come across two ladies as close as Cha Am, who seem determined to come and solve my problems, and an older woman, ‘Bam’, from further south who also seems convinced she’s the one for me… and wants to chat first… but, before I can call, sends another message saying: “I love you…” which puts me off phoning her, but she turns out to be rather nice… and very chatty and very forward… She says she comes once a month to Hua Hin, to take a relative to the Bangkok Hospital (the most expensive hospital between Phuket and Bangkok…!?), and can thus come and see me… and would be prepared to stay five days, and asks if I have somewhere for her to sleep. I point out I have one bedroom, and a sofa… She thinks for all of two seconds before accepting… but points out we can ‘look’, but no more… I decide to be as direct as her, and ask if we can kiss… and she agrees, but, “No more…” adding we must like first – but can sleep, and ‘look’, and “do lips”… but no more… finally adding: ‘Perhaps in one year we can do more.’ All this is conducted with much laughter, and frivolity, so I tell her I could be dead in a year… She asks if I can wait one month, and I accept.

She also sows the seed that I could visit her, as she has her own house(!?), and a farm(!?)… and she openly explains she had a (Thai) friend living on Samui, with a farang, who had a sick friend… and she took care of him for nine years, while he presumably paid for the house and the farm… Two years ago he was very sick, went home, and didn’t return… since when she’s been lonely… and invites me to visit tomorrow…

Bam also says she has a friend with an English husband and another with a Norwegian boyfriend, and sounds more and more like an ex-bar-girl… Then she asks my name, and I go quiet… and tell her, if she’s forgotten I won’t speak to her any more, but she admits she was just testing me, to see if I was lying… and I go very quiet for a minute – or three…! Being an honest person I don’t like being ‘tested’, and I don’t like people who feel they need to do it. It says more about them than their ‘victim’. She also wants to know how many ladies I’ve known during my ten years in Hua Hin… and I rather snap: “200…!”

I see no reason for all this vetting… because I’m not looking for a wife, nor even a girlfriend – just a housekeeper… It is me who should be vetting her, and that needs to be done in person so… if she calls tomorrow I will endeavour to speed up this ‘foreplay’, or give up…

Thinking on her declaration about ‘sex’ (although she didn’t actually use the word…), which might be possible in a year… and which suggests it won’t happen at all… I’m not happy about these people who are so dictatorial about what they will and won’t do – not the sex itself, but because it invariably extends to every facet of the relationship – and I had far too much of that with my ex. Some years ago I met a bar-girl who declared: ‘Once a month is enough for me…!’ adding it bloody well ought to be enough for any man.

The next day I am busy chasing the car around town (for annual necessities) and shopping, and I wake from a late siesta to find Bam has called… and now complains she’s been calling all day (I just got the one…!) because she’s in Hua Hin with a friend, and wants to meet. She repeats it ten times. I got it the first time but… she doesn’t understand that I understand. I tell her ten times that I’ve been at Honda ‘all day’… and she doesn’t understand at all.

Ten times she says where she is but I get it the first time… but she doesn’t understand that I understand. In Thai you just say: kao chai kap… it’s not difficult to say, and shouldn’t be difficult to understand either. In the end she asks if I can go there, but it doesn’t matter if not… I tell her I’m very tired, after ‘all day’ at Honda… I can even hear her tell someone (in Thai) that she can’t hear me because I am very quiet. [NB: I later discover she has an ear problem and has to use the speaker-phone…]

It seems odd that I can understand her, as well as some of her own quiet asides to her friend, and yet she cannot understand me. I decide I don’t have the patience, and suggest we meet tomorrow and she accepts. I tell her to take care, and drive carefully. She doesn’t seem to understand even these basic, every-day remarks, and says, ‘Goodbye.’

I always have difficulty talking with Thai people, in either language, on the phone. It is invariably difficult for both parties, but… they never seem to recognise this simple fact… They always blame the language, or the phone, or anything… Never the actual problem.

When Bam gets home she calls to confirm she can come tomorrow, but again tries to get me to go there instead. I feel that as she is primarily supposed to be working for me she needs to see my home.

The following afternoon she calls at four o’clock to say she can’t come, and that she sent an SMS in the morning to let me know… Why is it the SMSs that apparently go astray are always the ones that are most important…? But she says she will definitely, positively come on Friday. I accept but warn her not to change her mind to tomorrow (Thursday) because I have a plumber coming. She loudly says: “No, no. I cannot come to morrow. I not say tomorrow. I say Friday…!” I tell her I know that, and she repeats, ‘Will Friday be all right’… And I repeat, ‘Friday will be good.’

That night I find her ‘SMS’ on ThaiFriendly… Silly girl…! Or was it another test…?


At midday Bam phones from Market Village, and off I trot. Bam seems a jolly soul, and relieved at my arrival – apparently ‘others’ have told her farang often make arrangements but don’t turn up… Who are all these people who are so knowledgeable about farang…? Inside, she requests ‘noodles’ at the coupon-cafe, and turns out to be very pleasant, nervous but not shy.

Afterwards we go into Tesco, because I need plasters… Bam selects some body lotion and shower cream… There has been no discussion about her staying over, so I enquire, why the shower cream, and she looks askance and says: “For shower…” I ask where, and she grins and replies: “In your home…” – so we repair to my home, and sit and chat until two-fifteen when she asks to see my feet, and spends an hour on the best massage they’ve ever had. She also works up to my calves and tells me to get my trousers off so, one hour after her arrival I now get a further hour on my legs… followed by ten minutes on the wedding tackle… where she performs with incredible abandon and panache… and the best I’ve experienced for over two years… if not six… but more of that another time – Perhaps… And, so much for: “Just look…!

We snooze until five-thirty, have ‘supper’, chat, watch film clips on YouTube… until we both feel weary… and turn in at nine-thirty…! – and fall asleep, without further ado, or further massage…


Bam goes to the bathroom before dawn and, on her return, wakes me with a very gentle and sensuous massage, with a tense, nail-biting finale… and I don’t wake again until nine-thirty… Twelve hours in bed…!?! I cannot recall when that last happened…

We have a light breakfast as Bam wanders about, looking bored, already – she has swept the house, and cleaned the fan, but declares it’s now too hot to work outside… I point out, that’s why the garden’s a mess, because it’s too hot for me, the farang, to work outside… which seems to make her feel guilty and she grabs the shears, the secateurs, and the loppers, and sets off – after asking if I have a bonnet, to ward off the sun’s rays… I ask why on earth she thinks I would have a bonnet about my person… and also deny all knowledge of a nearby surrey, with a fringe on top…!

But she could have swabbed the decks, which would have been much easier…

Earlier Bam mentioned ‘our’ future, and how she is hoping for a nice wedding…!! I neither blush nor look shocked as I immediately assure her I am not… and that I made it quite clear on my ThaiFriendly profile that I was looking for ‘domestic assistance’… and she quickly declares it will be all right to just be my friend… and take care of me and my house…

But she still also wants me to stay with her and her son… and I make it equally clear my home is in Hua Hin… and I have no desire to move even farther away from the airport – 3-4 hours is more than enough.

So far we haven’t discussed remuneration… but after another massage we snooze again, and then sort of make love… though it’s not quite how I remember it… and Bam begins her pitch… Since her sponsor departed these shores she has been running the farm but now wants to sell it, after which she’ll have no income… and she would like her son to go to a good school, and university… Fair enough but… I’m afraid to say Bam is not the brightest spark that ever jumped off a firework, and maybe her son is too dumb to benefit from university, and it would be a waste of money, just to make face. I’m not in the business of ‘buying’ degrees.

So far I’ve not had a real conversation with her. Even basic communication is limited. Part of this is language, but, it goes deeper. Bam is not the greatest student. She also seems to have a hearing problem (and not just on the phone…?), and her concentration levels are also low.

Memories of her sponsor bring on a few tears, to which I don’t respond… I’ve had a lot of experience with Thai crocodile-tears and they’re almost always aimed at gaining sympathy rather than expressing emotion… Instead, I suggest a Thai place for dinner, which cheers her up. After eating she also wants som-tum

Back home Bam asks to watch a funny film but is unable to concentrate for longer than three minutes… When she sits at my feet, to massage them, with her back to the TV, I suggest we give up, and turn in… at only ten past nine… What is happening to me…!?


During breakfast Bam tries to explain how I can save my rent by living with her… although, of course, I won’t save a baht because she will expect to receive it instead. I also repeat having a family already to take care of – two sisters, and two daughters, all without a worthwhile man in their life. [Actually there’s only one of each, but… I’ve been taught by Thai women…]

Bam insists on giving me a final massage before going home… and we set off at midday, relatively cheerful, not because we’ve discussed, and agreed, that she will come again… but because she has decided to do so… and has left a toothbrush and pair of knickers behind… I don’t mind, because I want her to return… but not quite on her terms… I am thinking, ‘short & sweet’ – perhaps Tuesday-Thursday each week, so she can take care of her son at the weekends…

Anyway, she says she has really enjoyed her visit, and meeting me, and seems not to have problems with my idiosyncrasies… I drop her at Market Village, and ask if she has money for the bus. She smiles sweetly, and says nothing… and I give her a 1,000 ฿. This isn’t over-generous but neither is it a paltry amount. Remember, whatever you start giving, it will always be expected to rise.

Yesterday I told Bam I don’t like the way Thai women so easily go off to work, leaving their children with ‘family’, who often grow up not knowing who their mother is… yet, at the same time the mothers expect their children to take care of them when they’re old & tired… In Japan, where the same sort of filial duty has traditionally pertained, it was usual for the youngest daughter to be prevented from marrying because she had to take care of the parents… In the 21st C. that has (I hear) much changed, and younger children are now objecting to being denied their ‘rights’… I feel sure, with the greater selfishness of Thai people, and the ‘progress’ of society, that the current generation of school-children, especially those doted on by ill-educated parents, will want to be off doing all the things their parents scrimped and saved for, and are unlikely to return to take care of aged parents… If it hasn’t happened already it can’t be long before the ‘Granny Flat’ appears in new Thai homes… followed by an increase of old-people’s homes…

Overall Bam and I have very little conversation – just a good massage, with fringe benefits, and if her home is as grubby as she seems content to leave mine that’s another reason why I really won’t want to live there.


That’s all for now folks… Pip, Pip.

Hua Hin Harry

to be continued…

nana plaza