Anonymous, Do Yourself a Favor
Not to whine unnecessarily but I write this article at a time where my work is not only very busy and I am building a new outdoor gateway (with Winter approaching) and trying my best to type out 4 different articles for Stick about my recent travel to Thailand. Yet I am willing to risk my job and the wrath of my impatient wife and any fans I have left in Stick-dom to respond to these two recent submissions, “Thai Ladies, Do Yourself a Favour” before they do any further harm to Thailand newbies who might take them as gospel.
Let me first say, I agree with most of what Mr. Anony Mous wrote, especially the part where he advises readers not to take bar girls so seriously that you seek to walk the heavenly path of matrimony with them. The author seems to have made a thorough study of them and has reached this point of wisdom unscathed from the scams of our greedy ladies of the night. He has recently decided to move into the world of “real” Thai women and the on-line dating arena, something I applaud him for and recommend for all others stuck in the swamps of Sukhumvit. But when he suggested several generalizations of all Thai women based on his extensive bar girl experiences, my blood began to boil and I said, “To hell with having a good job” and decided to put keystroke to document and respond.
As some you know, I have experience with both bar and non-bar Thai women, the latter of which I gained through my marriage to a Thai woman who was once a bank manager in Bangkok. This doesn’t make me an expert in either class of woman, but it does put my foot in the door of this discussion about the general character of Thai women. Although I have met my share of the fair sex of Thailand, some of whom I wish I had not; I have to say that most have honest reasons for either entering into a relationship with western men; living happily ever after or picking their pocket. This puts them a step up on most western men in Thailand, who seem to bounce between trying to find an honest bar girl or a normal sex-starved Thai girl who gives a great blow job, neither of which are very plentiful. When I hear western men say Thai women have no intellectual curiosity, I say at least they know what the fxxk they are looking for in a husband and why.
I’ll start my screed with my own general statement: Thai women, like women from all other countries, vary widely on the spectrum of honesty and sincerity, just as males do. So any general statement that covers all, even the “good” women of Thailand, should immediately fail any smell test. Sure, there are certain traits you can attribute to Thai culture, religion, or social status, but Mr. Mous didn’t say that, did he? He said “Thai women” without any exceptions that I noted. Yet there are many Thai women I know personally who do not meet these descriptions. For example, I know a woman who came from a poor family and went on to school to eventually made some good money, little of which she spent on her family because they never asked for any. And she made no demands on her farang husband for any of his money. How do I know these things? The woman is my wife and I’m the farang husband! So let’s continue.
Her Family will always be regarded as more important than you. You will be expected too integrate into her family and close friends which usually means in Thai society an expectation of being generous with your money.
As noted above, that’s not always the case. But let’s stop here and remember where today’s Thai people emerged from. Up until a couple of generations ago, most of Thailand was agrarian and tribal. They lived in an uncertain world filled with many dangers, like disease, famine, war. They survived by working together as a group and sharing resources. As Thailand became less tribal, the extended family replaced the tribe, but they still used the same survival techniques. So, yes, if you are her husband, you are expected to become part of her greater family just as she will be part of your greater family. Open your arms and heart and embrace your new family, and she will do the same to yours. And Thai families do give generously in times of need, but not want. If Uncle Somchai wants a new motorcycle and your wife demands you pay for it, then you’ve mistakenly married a bar girl.
But being generous with friends and family is an old tradition in Thailand as it is in most of the world. I used to travel to many countries on business and I would meet the families of associates who always welcomed me to their homes or paid the checks at the restaurant, no matter how rich or poor they were. I would do the same when I could, but were we trying to scam each other? Or just being generous to new friends? If you think that every time you put your hand in your pocket someone is trying to scam you, then you will have problems no matter where you live or who you marry.
She will always consider other men as a option until she is completely sure you are capable of proving you will meet all her expectations financially, which means also later in your retirement years.
Unfortunately this is potentially true of some women no matter what country they are from. Just as, “He will always consider other women as a(n) option, especially when she starts losing her good looks and becomes less interested in sex.” This is a danger in any human relationship and Thai women are no better or worse than any other group.
She will automatically assume you as a Western man are moderately wealthy.
This is certainly true at the beginning of your relationship because 1) Thailand is not the most prosperous country, especially compared to western nations, and 2) you have probably traveled a great distance and used a good amount of money to visit her, something that is very expensive even for middleclass Thai families. Imagine a girl traveled from Venus to meet you. You might naturally assume she was technologically advanced and lived a fairly comfortable life, until she told you of the extremes in atmospheric pressure on Venus (Cosmos fan, I confess). Anyway, if your Thai wife follows you back home, she will soon learn the realities of western life and this misconception of “wealth” will soon fade away. My wife did, like many others, and she soon discovered she could earn some great money here compared to Thailand and immediately went to work. If yours hasn’t, again, she is probably better employed in Nana Plaza.
She will work but at least half her earnings she will send back to her family. So you will probably be paying out for most things as her money will be spoken for. This will certainly apply if you choose to live with her in Thailand.
This will certainly be true if you married a bar girl or married a good girl who had an existing obligation to her family to pay off. Her parents could be very old or sick and she might be the only adult child able to support them. Social Security does not exist in Thailand. Did you ask her these things before you married her? Why not? But is this expectation true for every Thai woman? Baloney. As noted above, my wife’s family has made no demands on us. We even offered to install air-con in their house and they refused! In the real world, are there family crises that you might be called on to help with? Sure, same for any family in the world. Can you ask her to contribute to your family crisis? Of course! Will your Thai family expect you to pay more than your fair share? No, but If they do, then again you have married the wrong woman. Move on, just as you (collectively) did with your first western wife.
The cost of bringing her to your country could be very expensive and stressful even if she's well educated and meets all the visa requirements. Nothing is guaranteed and could end with heartbreaking results after maybe years of careful planning.
I am certainly no worldwide immigration expert, but from reading different reports, it is not that expensive to get your teeruk over to your country using something like a fiancé visa. And if she meets all the visa requirements, why would she be denied a visa? That makes no sense. But if there is a problem in her background that would prevent her from getting past immigration, like criminal activity, it would be found during that process. Once married and happily living in farang-land, she may want to have citizenship and this can certainly get expensive. By then, though, you should know what kind of woman you have married and money at this point becomes a secondary issue. But if you get married in Thailand first and expect everything to go swimmingly in immigration, you have probably rolled snake eyes with the dice and will get a long and expensive immigration process.
Even if she agrees to come live with you in Farangland she will most likely want to retire back in Thailand and set up a home and small business for financial security which means she will probably be the outright owner even though you may have financed it.
Again, this sounds like the demands of a bar girl, at least the part about buying her a business. But rules for foreign ownership of a business in Thailand have changed, and there are many ways for you to retain control of business without signing over everything to your wife. Please talk to Sunbelt Asia for more details, unless you like to throw money down the toilet as recent news articles have shown.
As far as retirement is concerned, my wife and I will be retiring to Thailand for the simple reasons we can have more disposable income and have a better life there. Yet, at various points during my discussions with my wife on this subject, we considered a few places in America. As we both have relatives and friends living in California and Arizona, these were the natural venues we considered. When these did not work out, my wife came up with this idea to move to Alaska. Sweetie, I begged, do you know how cold it gets in Alaska? After a while, she relented and we started thinking of Thailand. This thought process coincides with several American-Thai couples I know of who have retired to California, Mexico and even Costa Rica. Why? Because their Thai partner determined rationally that these were the best places for them to retire to. Good Thai wives, like all good wives, make sound decisions for everyone in their family.
Before I close, I would like to ask Anony one question: if you believe your statements to be true, then why on earth would you ever marry a Thai woman? Why put yourself through this subjugation of a Thai wife who controls your finances, leaves you when she finds someone better, and will force you to move to Thailand? If these are your expectations of Thai women, then you are doomed to always be mistrustful of her motives on any trivial matter, eventually leading to a messy ending of your relationship. Consider saving yourself a lot of money and aggravation by buying a simple claw hammer and whacking your head a few times until you came to your senses. Or does the lure of Thai pussy so dominate your thoughts that all these bad things are worth the risk? Then you are probably better off resuming your haunts in Soi 4, where your expectations of a Thai woman will best be met. There, you can open your arms and heart and embrace the Thai women of the night that you know so well. Believe me; they will do the same for you and only for a small price.