Stickman Readers' Submissions September 22nd, 2015

My Comments on “I Fell For A Massage Girl”

I’ve observed a category of “men-in-need” who write you a lot requesting for “Thai bar girl advice”. They are mostly single expats or retirees or frequent travelers or sex tourists, well past 40s-50s, separated or divorced, landed in all sorts of soups after being stung by a lady's charm! I’ve also noticed that you use a standard template while replying to their SOS – in a clear and crisp message that basically says “No good comes from a bar girl, so run away fast before it is too late”.

But interestingly I’ve noticed you to become more supportive when the advice seeker is a young man say around 25 or so. I believe you still have a soft corner for the Thai people in general, and those night birds in particular, and wouldn’t mind seeing some successful Farang-Thai unions. Also, maybe a younger man doesn’t have too much to lose yet or has enough time to recover in case the relationship goes south. So I believe you try to give both parties a fair chance to take a calculated risk. I also intend to do the same and would like to share some of my experiences and observations in order to help a young gentleman take a calculated risk in order to pursue his dream lady.

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To start with, it is very important to understand how those Thai bar girls see a typical western male. In western societies, the premarital sex with multiple partners (which can literally be countless if the man / lady in question has excellent social skills) is quite common. Whereas in mainstream Thai society things are still quite orthodox where premarital sex, though not absolutely unheard off, is still severely frowned upon. Thai bar girls know this difference quite well and as result they see Farang men quite differently from mainstream Thai men. But what these girls don’t know is the outlook of western society towards a committed relationship. A western man or woman may have gone through numerous casual dating, one-night stands, groupies or whatever, but whenever they are in a committed relationship they’re usually serious in honoring the sexual loyalty towards their partner. But the bar girls don’t really understand this “sexual loyalty” thing of a Farang in a relationship. They believe in a much simpler logic that a Farang will by nature fool around as he has been doing so since his “childhood” in his own country.

So, when a vibrant, charged up Farang gentleman is under the impression that he is playing the role of a Knight in shining armor doing a great service to humanity by gifting his precious ‘commitment’ to a “fallen” girl, unfortunately in the eyes of that very girl he is actually as “fallen” as she is, thanks to her perception about the culture of widespread premarital sex in western societies. The score is a simple 0-0 here! It is the most appropriate time to climb down from his high horse.

But this is the time when Farang makes the most common yet gravest mistake. On his very first visit, after receiving special treatment from an oriental beauty for a couple of weeks by spending (sometimes) as little as what he pays for one week’s stay in a 5-star hotel in Farangland, he decides that he has already found his dream partner who will treat him like a king everywhere forever. Now the only task left is to test her absolute loyalty. “Does she love me for real?” “Is she worth my love and commitment?” When the tension runs high the gentleman writes to Stick for advice, or rushes to a private investigator for a background check if the pain becomes too unbearable. But the poor fellow fails to understand that he is still too early in the game, and the girl has just started evaluating him. Most importantly, it is SHE who will call the shots eventually, not the other way around!

Now, let’s try to discuss the possible root causes of this error of judgment.

Firstly, he needs to appreciate that there are many fundamental differences between the concept of a relationship in Thailand vs. Farangland. Westerners who are interested in having a relationship with a highly educated, mainstream Thai lady should put a lot of serious effort in to learning this delicate and complex subject which would be the equivalent of doing a Masters in cross-cultural communication! I can possibly write a lengthy submission on this subject itself.

But for the time being I would like to limit my analysis on the bar girl scenario only. So, to have a meaningful relationship with a bar girl, one should at least appreciate that she comes from a part of society where people believe that her husband would be a lifelong provider for her and her family. There is no concept of going Dutch in a relationship here; the man will have to spend 200% all the time. If this is not OK with the man, he should move on right away! [However this is not necessarily true in the relationship with a mainstream Thai girl.]

Secondly, the Thai bar girls don’t rely on any sort of verbal commitment. In fact the magic sentences like “I like you” or “I love you” that usually carry a lot of weight when said at the right place at the right time in Farangland, unfortunately don't mean much in a Sukhumvit bar or massage shop. These girls have been too used to hearing and saying all sorts of sweet talk that you find in an urban dictionary of romance! So, if the guy is really serious about her, he has to furnish hard evidence instead, in the form of some specific actions.

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Actions speak a million times louder than words in Thailand, because Thais don’t say much, just smile.

– The most convincing action is to start living in Thailand. Every time the guy boards a flight from Thailand, the girl knows that there is no guarantee that he will come back! There is almost no room for a long-distance relationship with a bar girl. The girl will stray sooner or later for not being able to cope up with the uncertainty about him, irrespective of whether she is really promiscuous or not.

– The next action is to take her out of the bar area as soon as possible. Letting his loved one continue her job in a sleazy place is not a way of showing his genuine love and commitment, in her eyes. This is not Farangland!

– The third action would be to start providing her financial assistance immediately while encouraging her to take up an honest profession or learn a useful skill. He shouldn’t ignore his role of lifetime provider. Wrong signal!

– The fourth one will be to show her a concrete roadmap for a common future, preferably in Thailand. The bar girls may appear to be smiling, laughing, dancing and drinking 24/7, but most of them hold a dream of building a huge mansion in their native village, buying a big pickup truck and settling down for a quiet village life with her family. Some Thai girls may be open to settle down in a Farangland initially, but they will eventually want to come back to Thailand. The family bond is too strong!

Do the above four first. Only then will the girl-in-question see you seriously as a prospective partner.

However if she keeps showing too much affection and loyalty despite the absence of the above four actions from his side, he can be 99% sure to be under the grip of a hardcore money sucker! No good would come from her; so run away as fast as you can!

I hope you find my observation and analysis meaningful to some extent.

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