Are There Still Good Girls Waiting For The White Knight?
Many readers' submissions ask for advice: can I trust this or that lady?
Once you have to ask yourself or even strangers this question, the answer mostly is clear: forget her. I met a few hundred ladies over the last 37 years for whatever activity, mostly horizontal. I treated each one like a real lady so got rich rewards for this gentleness, not to be mistaken for love. Most were nice & lovely, many so so, some starfish. My motto: enjoy the moment and go on. Until my very last moment the memories will make me happy so one day I can leave with a big smile on my face.
Why should a Thai lady look for you or another farang husband? Many times I was told by girls who had already had a relationship with a Thai man: never again a Thai husband. The most common reasons were:
– Thai husbands drink or beat me or mostly both.
– Thai husbands butterfly.
– Thai husbands leave me alone after a baby comes.
– Thai husbands, never ever help in the household.
Little do they know about the reality in Farangland…
In the old days, one out of a dozen was a pearl. They still are there but now they are fewer and much harder to find. Most bargirls are not bad characters per se but they are used to playing with customers' feelings and emotions to make money. Do not forget: this is business, trading illusions for cash – it's as simple as that. In rare cases it may get beyond that. At least they are not as bad as love scammers as usually you will get good sex in return for your dineros!
In my humble opinion, there is a basic trap for Farang rookies: often girls do kiss their clients – but this does not mean that she loves you. It is simply a normal part of the deal in most cases, and very different from Farang hookers. The real Thai-style kisses (proving things are getting serious) are very different: sniffing your face. I haven't seen this in ages….
I also still believe you have a better chance with a girl from a short-time place than from a gogo bar. Remember the old expat saying : you can take the girl out of the bar but not the bar out of the girl. Friends, alcohol and easy money are an addictive mix.
If you find a girl who likes you to be happy for extra nice service, do not expect a long-term relationship unless you can stay in Thailand for long time. You there in Farangland and she here in Thailand has very little chance of success unless you know Thailand very well.
2 simple tests:
1) If you actually do allow her to just work in the bar, call her mobile at night from 10 pm to midnight.
– If she answers and you will hear if she is in the bar.
– If she answers and it is silent and / or she even whispers or she doesn’t answer or the phone is switched off, it's pretty sure this means she's "busy" as any Thai lady will die if the phone is offline for just 1 hour.
2) If you pay her, use smaller notes e.g. 100 Baht banknotes. If she counts them, it shows her priorities.
She invites you to her village and / or to meet the parents: for quite sure she is seriously interested in a long-term relationship.
My right ones? No…
– I once had a nice girlfriend from Nana's Hollywood Star. She kind of "loved" me but had 2 "husbands" in USA who sent money each month but only came once a year, so most times I came she had time.
– In Soi Cowboy I went to pick up a lady but instead of her a drunk Israeli approached me and said, "I would box you but you are too big for me". His "wife" told him she only works for drinks. When he found out she was barfined nearly each night he went mad, she collapsed at his feet and both made a big fuss.
– A friend of my tilac gets paid by a farang "husband" but still has 2-3 short-times with Japanese customers per night.
– Long ago in Soi Cowboy I had some very nice short-times with a nice lady. By chance later I met her again with her US- hubby who was the boss of another bar. While he talked with me her foot massaged my little friend under the table and he had no clue. This list can be endless.
If you really think you found Miss Right, please remember you have to work very hard each day to make this work beyond the sex. Mostly you will not have a common language for quite some time, and do not share any cultural background. The lady is likely from a very poor household in a small village and knows nothing about life abroad; your experience probably is not much wider. Farang may be big spenders, but it is only the smart ladies who know you have to work & save for 11 months to make this happen. You take her home and she will be surprised how little money there is day by day – tears & fights are guaranteed.
If you are serious, you should read this book unless you know Thai culture very well, and even than it will help:
Thailand Fever: A Road Map for Thai-Western Relationships. Bilingual Thai-English edition, also in other languages, may be only available 2nd hand any more for some 50$ but trust me: it's worth every cent.
The left page explains the often seemingly crazy behaviour of Thai in English, the opposite side the same topic from the Thai view and it is written in Thai, which makes it easy to synchronize the reading. After both he and she read this book, many misunderstandings can be prevented. For Farang e.g. it's not understandable why you have to fork out big money to the family. Reading this book helps to understand many issues.
If she comes with you for good it's smart to give her a generous sum each month and tell her she can use the rest after buying daily food etc for her parents. This will save many fights.
When I still was prowling the bars I rejected any lady who could speak English, as mostly this means she has been on the job for a long time. A sure winner is a girl who gives you an endless i.e. her real name, she either really likes you or is very new to the business, both ladies below gave me the real name at introduction. Normally you get a short 3-4 letter name = nickname. One way I improved my Thai is with names of bargirls like Oi, Lek, Daeng, Gaeo and so on…
Luckily for me the hunt has been over since 2002. Bar for beer fine, for barfine not fine. My favourite place was the balcony of Nana Plaza, watching the circus, sipping some beers and chatting with the door ladies who mostly are nice. Inside though, I found it mostly too loud and boring. Having seen some 10,000 pairs of titties there is little excitement left. Only exception: Windmill in Pattaya, never can get enough even without this disgusting fingering some guests exercise, this place has the vibe of days gone by long ago…
As already mentioned, I enjoyed many hundreds of lovely ladies and had tons of fun & nice memories but only 3 got a place in my heart & my prayers forever. All 3 for 100% sure would have made a perfect & caring wife.
I share this to prove that you may be lucky too, no matter how small the chances are nowadays.
Chiang Mai, December, 1978
I took a charming, very conservative and natural northern lady of some 25 years old named "Gold Sand" from a local brothel for 2 nights. She was nice and enjoyed the encounter as much as I did even though there was no verbal communication. We went to the night market, frustratingly she was always 1 metre behind me. Her message was clear, "I can not be seen with a farang" so mostly we stayed in the room where she tested my power to the limit. After coming back from a short trip I met her again for my only night in Chiang Mai.
About midnight she started to sing sad love songs in the best voice I ever heard in Thailand, much nicer than Nantida etc. and even now it still gives me goose bumps after so many years! Such bad luck that video cameras had not been invented yet. Between the tunes she cried for hours. Neither of us closed an eye that night. Next morning she just left without a proper farewell or turning her back. Only after some time I understood this and many other things she taught me. Actually, she taught most things you have to know about staying with a Thai partner. It took me many years to understand all of her lessons and how precious she was. This being my first trip I took it all for granted…
A year later I came back to Chiang Mai and she had long gone back to her parents' farm. I know it sounds (and probably is) crazy, but until today I ask myself why I did not marry her. That was the only period I was in no relationship so it would have been easy.
Phnom Penh Navy Massage, 2000
A very beautiful, tall Vietnamese of some 19 years. The first time I met her for some short-times in this massage parlour. Nice & clean shop with nice ladies. 1 hour was $5 with uncovered window. Once a towel blocked the view, another $5 had to be paid. All night take-away was $30 (Some girls were in debt so not allowed to leave…). We only spent 5 nights together, paradise.
She was really nice and there was no feeling of commercial interest, simply GFE. Once before falling asleep she told me: I like you. Me: oh, sad, I thought you love me. Her reply was unforgettable: a deep sad look in my eyes and : I love you I tell my customers.
Only much later – after she was gone – I found out she really meant it. The mamasan ordered all ladies to be back by 7 AM, she however stayed until I had to leave for work at 8 – 9 AM. Each time she was punished by losing her 50% share of the $30 i.e. she did not get a single cent besides the tip. $15 lost just to stay with me for 1 – 2 hours more.
We both knew our relationship was short-lived, no dreams of any kind. Anyhow, she was too young for me, we just enjoyed the bitter/sweet moment. After some time she was gone, only by chance I found her again in my favourite bar Sharky for another few nights over some half a year before losing contact for good. I still hope she found a nice partner to be happy ever after…
She told me about a mutual friend, another very beautiful Vietnamese lady, who suddenly disappeared. I didn't know she spent every cent for heroin and was diagnosed HIV+ so she moved to Siem Reap and plied her trade there. Didn't take long and this beauty was a wreck thanks to H and virus. Luckily I never saw her again in this state. It really makes you sick to know such a nice person goes down so fast. Unfair world.
Last but not least Nana Plaza, May 2002, Hollywood Star
As usual I had a walk on the balcony to kill an evening, bored and not looking for anything.
The new door girl – since 2 or 3 weeks – of Hollywood Star tried to lure me in. She had already been told about me as this was where my AM "GF" worked earlier, so all knew me well. The other ladies told her about me: djai dee but kinio…
We had a chat of some 20 minutes – as long as my Thai skills lasted – and each a drink. She was nice but not really my type so off I went. One hour later I passed again, she thought I was back for her so not to make her sad I off-ed her. Was a nice night and did not feel commercial at all. I hardly ever take girls for breakfast or even lunch, but she was a rare exception as somehow I really liked her so we also spent our daytimes together.
She was 29, an attractive, natural and very happy & slim Thai lady who looked best in a decent dress. The usual story: her father gambled and to save the farm a bank loan was required but there was no way to repay. Her mother ordered her only child to go to a brothel in Macau. She refused and compromised on Nana, but no way to dance or whore around so no big money.
Usually using condoms I change girls after max. 2 nights. She even achieved 3 nights, then I took a short-time girl from Patpong. She tried to meet me 1 AM but reception of Nana Hotel told her I have a lady, bad luck this was not true, I always book rooms including a fake Thai girl's name in any hotel so never get trouble to take a visitor to the room or have to pay joiner's fee, even in non-gf-friendly hotels. She went home and apparently cried her eyes out.
2 months later I walked by and she was happy to see me. The same day I fell in love with her, for her it was love at first sight. She was single as she was raped by a colleague some 9 years earlier and no way would she marry as she hated all men. It turned out I was the first guy she ever had sex with voluntarily and the 2nd overall. We worked very hard to make up for the years she lost.
We met each time I was in Bangkok over a few months and each time were sucked deeper into each other. Actually she was the girl of my life long dreams in every aspect. In short: she had all the good characteristics of a traditional Thai and none of the many bad ones. Never jealous, only sad we can not be together for good. Enjoys any food, preferably non-Thai, "Thai food I have in E-Sarn". Bad luck for me, I love it.
Wherever we went in Bkk or surrounding countries she blended in perfectly, just mimicking me so even managed to feel fine in 5* hotels or restaurants with an endless array of cutlery and many strange dishes on the buffet, making even most farang insecure. I had to go there often due to my job and she never ever looked out of place or embarrassed me.
In November I asked her to stop working. We negotiated a "salary", not too bad at 25K. I bought a condo in Soi 10 (my name…), so no need to pay rent but she had to pay the monthly fees. As long as I was based in South-East Asia it was easy to meet. Only after I left for home things became more complicated. I had to stop her "salary", but gave her 60% of the money I got for the condo (actually made a very good profit) to fund a kind of pension for her later days. She went back to her job as teacher in E-sarn, so it's difficult to meet – school holidays only are in April and October – for 1-2 happy weeks together. Once or twice a year I fly in for a long weekend, she gets "sick" on Monday and Tuesday so we have 4-5 days. This hopefully will go on for another 13 years at least. Luckily my business allows me to travel without suspicion at home.
At 1st I was reluctant to believe she really can stop, too many bad stories heard. Why did I become so 100% sure by November i.e. within only 6 months? Besides my general knowledge of Thai, some points convinced me:
1) The 1st night she didn't speak a word of English, only the next day I learnt her English is quite good as she studied, one topic was English. Big advantage to be able to communicate in a decent way.
2) She gave her real name the first minute.
3) She was very nice and caring and genuinely happy. Nobody can keep on a show for long without making mistakes. Never asked for money but still of course I gave the usual rate of some 2,000 baht per night which she never counted.
4) I was smart enough to check her account book: every time I visited her she deposited "my" money in to her account the very next morning and withdrew a few hundred each week. Only 1 time she deposited 2,000 baht into her account not received from me. So indeed she didn't go with customers, apparently with one exception. I did not really care as I knew she had to make money and she played safe. Anyhow I enjoyed some short-times in Phnom Penh.
5) She asked me not to leave my wife: "you leave her now and will leave me later for a younger one". Nice point…
6) Many times I called her around midnight, always noisy music = in the plaza.
7) I knew she hated her job in the bar, even without going with men, so I never was really nervous she was sleeping around. "Bars feel like hell".
I wish all of you who come in a similar situation to have a smart judgement but more important good luck. I hope you found or will find somebody as perfect as my tilac.
If you are in doubt don't ask Stick etc for a useless remote diagnosis which will & only can be negative but invest some money in a private eye to check her out. Doubting her isn't fair and will gnaw on your relation until it's gone. If you stay together you owe her full trust.
Sorry for this post to be so long…
PS Before I moved to South-East Asia for good some 28 years ago, I went to an info- office of the protestant church in Hamburg giving tons of leaflets related to any country of interest. By error one about Islamic marriage rules too. I was the only guest so the lady was bored and we had a long chat. It turned out she was counselling mixed marriages too. Her experience over the years was interesting:
– Arab or North African man, German lady = most broke up, mostly with very bad fights.
– Lady from South Vietnam or Korea (plenty of Korean nurses came to Germany in the 70's and most stayed for good) with German husband: less divorces than in German couples, she hardly ever sees them.
– Lady from Thailand or Indonesia with German hubby not easy but also not hopeless. More trouble than "normal", one reason is the low level of education of both partners.