Indecision – The Great Enemy Within
Do you ever look back over your diary entries of your time in Thailand? I have diary entries of just about every day and night I have had in Thailand – going right back from early 2000 and right up until January 2014. What I find amazing is the way priorities can change so much depending on the psychological mood at any particular time – almost always ruled by emotions triggered by the two strong dominating forces of guilt and heart.
Tonight, I was looking over entries written in airport departure lounges, airport bars and the Thai Royal Orchid Lounges – and the one thing I noticed was the over-riding tone of sadness and regret at having to do something against my better judgment. In many ways, I have been very fortunate in my dealings in Thailand as I have never been the victim of "the bar-girl who did me wrong or took me to the cleaners". My problem has always been having to deal with being torn between two loves – the insoluble problem in having to balance a love for two women who should never have been placed in a situation such as that can create. My God, there can be no wiser advice that anyone can give to another than the warning of "never to embark on a relationship until you are absolutely certain that the previous relationship is definitely over – dead and buried". If life has taught me nothing else – it has burned that lesson deep into my soul. Do not let it happen to you – it can easily destroy you. It very nearly did that to me.
It is Thursday 14 April 2005 at the Beer Bar upstairs in terminal II at Don Muang – and I have just flown down from Chiang Mai on TG 113. This reminds me so much of all the times I flew out of here when Natalise and I were together – oh, it feels different yet those former strong feelings are still there and I doubt they will ever leave me. I don't know why I am going back to Australia, other than to see Nat and to try to focus my thoughts on something tangible back there – hopefully to get rid of these depressive moods. You go through the old "self-talk" – the "ideation" – and you tell yourself it doesn't really matter whether you die in Thailand or in Australia – but a glimmer of logic pushes through and you realize that you have a better chance of getting on top of the depressive bouts with the good hospital support that is available in Australia for free. I also feel closer to Nat there – and, even though I say that I would like to die, I have to question whether that is true because I feel there is much that I can write that may be of some use to others and perhaps share thoughts that may save them from a similar situation. I guess, if I wasn't having to go and relocate my stored belongings to a different location in Oz, perhaps I would not even be making this trip. You rely on people to be dependable – but, you know, the only one you can really depend on is yourself.
In some ways, I feel like I am part of the old Chinese commitment with Natalise – where, having "rescued" somebody, they then become your responsibility for life. But isn't that what marriage is in any case? Isn't that what the vows are all about? Tonight it is TG 983 and I will be leaving from Gate 15 – the same place I left from the last time I went back – but so much has changed since December 2004. It was only yesterday where the prospect of leaving cast a dark shadow over me – with us mostly staying in the room and me on the verge of cancelling the arrangements to fly out tomorrow. It feels like my family here is breaking up – and that is the last thing I want to happen. I really have come to regard Darlin' Pretty and her family as my family as well. We had dinner in the hotel dining room then walked down to Gallery Restaurant for coffee and dessert. At least there I could get a double shot of Mekhong – and I topped it up with a couple of Xanax and a couple of Mersyndol Forte before bed. The double shot of codeine and doxylamine succinate won't take away the mental pain but it will ease the bodily aches and allow me to sleep without the endless loop of possible permutations.
Valium, my dear friend for so long – well, it gets me through the rough patches and there is always the Xanax (Alprazolam) if necessary – but I will not use that outside of the room precincts. One more Bia Singha and then a couple of Valium before the boarding call – and that will set me into that near-comatose feeling where I can pretend that I don't really care. Who the fxxk do I think I'm fooling? Certainly not myself. The problem is that I care too much.
Friday 22 April 2005 and I have done the relocation of the belongings and seen Natalise twice. Darlin' Pretty has called me a couple of times on cell-phone and I have told her I will see her at Chiang Mai Airport tomorrow morning when TG 102 lands. Tonight, I fly out of here on TG 984 to BKK and transit to TG 102 tomorrow morning to Chiang Mai. Huh – so much for the plans to seek help with the depressive episodes. Nat came around today to take me to have a drink and lunch at a bar not far from here. I had the feeling that she wanted to talk about the situation we have – but she said nothing and I really didn't know how to broach the subject myself. Looking back to that day, if she had asked me not to leave, I believe I would have cancelled the booking on tonight's flight. My overall feeling, after we parted, was that I had probably just thrown away the last chance to end this duality that is serving no good to any of the three people involved in this triangle. From my perspective, there is no win – either way I will end up feeling bad, no matter which person with whom I end up permanently. Of course, it is highly possible that both of them will tell me to Fxxk off – something I truly deserve.
Back now with Darlin' Pretty and it feels as if all the depressive feelings have vanished now. If I had any brains, I would recognize the connection and never even contemplate leaving again. She sleeps late each morning and I take this time to rise and jot down diary entries, the beginning of a letter back to Oz to my friend Khun Loong – or merely to transcribe a few song lyrics from "Scorpions Acoustica – Live In Lisbon Portugal". Each morning, I am always the first to wake – and I raise myself on one elbow to look at Darlin' Pretty as she sleeps. She is so beautiful – her long, black hair draped over the pillow and that sculptured perfection of her face that drew me to her on that first night. Why would she choose to be with a knackered old grub like me?
I played a set of songs at Antique House Restaurant last night but the magic of playing seems to have left me now – nothing seems to excite me any more. I know the reasons – but there is nothing I can do to change anything. No matter which way I choose to go, I end up feeling the same, brooding sadness. I should be happy as it is Darlin' Pretty's birthday tomorrow – I bought her a Golden Heart necklace – but I started to come down with a gut problem and ended up at Loi Kroh Clinic on an IV Infusion of saline and Ciprofloxacin. No doubt about you Boyo – you'll go to any lengths to get attention. Selfish bastard aren't you? Still, by Sunday, I was well enough for the two of us to go down and take the family to dinner to celebrate her birthday.
Well, the shit has hit the fan – rumblings from two banks back in Oz, threatening to take action unless I address defaults in payments. Ho hum – what's new? Still, I suppose I better do something to sort it out. Of course, that means another trip back to Oz.
Tuesday 24 May 2005 and I am writing this in the departure lounge at Chiang Mai Airport. I cannot even begin to describe the feelings I am experiencing at the prospect of leaving here. This feels like home to me now – but I am starting to question if I have ever had a home before here. Like the line from Bells Of The Evening: " … Struck by a minstrel's misfortune of being forever displaced … ". Is there any peace left on Earth for me? The way things are panning out, I doubt I will be able to come back to Darlin' Pretty unless I can make satisfactory arrangements to juggle finances. There is no doubt about it, I have fallen in love with Darlin' Pretty in a very serious manner – and I am having great difficulty in balancing this with the feelings I have for Nat. This indecision and feelings of duality are driving me down further. To any sane person, the solution is obvious. But, as Professor Korski once told me, "Love is a mental sickness" – and I do believe he may be correct.
I'm now down in Don Muang in The Royal Orchid Lounge and I am trying to unwind. I have difficulty in coming to terms with leaving Thailand today – more particularly in leaving Chiang Mai and Darlin' Pretty. I'm trying to figure out a way to get back to her and to provide the things she needs – a house, a car, family close by and the nice things that most people want. Sounds like I am hoping for the impossible … but we all must have dreams. If I am unable to get back to her, I don't know what that will do to both of us. I hope it doesn't destroy her belief in love because there is no doubt in my love for her – and I do believe she has the same for me. The question remains, is it possible to make a dream become reality?
Tuesday 07 June 2005: Perhaps Buddha has worked a miracle as I am back in a Don Muang Transit Lounge, waiting for TG 102 to Chiang Mai, after arriving from Oz at 5.35 am. Some suitable arrangements have been made with the banks – but for how long? The Sword Of Damocles still hangs overhead.
Some of this tale has been written into previous subs – but here I have tried to incorporate the thought processes and feelings into some of the situations. Most of this has been extracted from diary entries of the time. There is no end to this tale and neither is there a beginning in this reality. The beginning is way back in the past – before this life – and the end is still to play out in a reality still to come in another life. That may be a difficult concept to accept if one is not Buddhist. But, believing in reincarnation, as I do, this is my reality – and it is part of my belief system. I accept this without question.
My most recent sub on this subject – The End Of A Dream – is the lowest point in the tale – but it is far from the end.
Never, ever give up on that which you believe in.