Readers' Submissions

If At First You Don’t Succeed…. Don’t Take Up Skydiving

  • Written by Phet
  • May 21st, 2015
  • 16 min read




Bugger me it is the end of May already, the year is halfway through with not a baby in the house washed. I can not report I have achieved anything particularly earth shattering since my December Siamese sojourn but hopefully have not completely wasted my time… although I believe the jury is still out on this.

Every Sunday since January I have been engaged in the singing competition held at my local the “Pisshead and Ponytail” organised by a local entertainment agency. A £750 prize and a chance to get signed up as an artiste attracted an initial twenty five entrants. I enter mainly to make up the numbers and it is somewhere warm to go when the library is closed. Each week at least one contestant is dismissed, but by guile and experience I managed to last quite a few weeks. I finally got ejected the week after Easter but can report I made it into the last five. Last year I made the last six which was not bad considering I am 35 years older than the next oldest contestant.

I must have impressed someone as I have been asked to Compere, a prestigious charity concert next month.

I also returned to my Male voice choir after a short absence. The new conductor is slowly introducing a more contemporary programme of music and turning it into a rock choir. I was not sure about this at first but seeing the reaction of audiences I am slowly being converted. I initially had a few problems with this new conductor; he is a young fellow in his late thirties with piercings through his face. This is disconcerting enough but I was more uncomfortable with his sometimes rude and sarcastic manner. I am the only trained chorister he has but he initially dropped me from the list of soloists in favour of his favourites although these new members were little more than pub singers. With no knowledge of choral singing or performing before a large audience without a microphone or the words in front of them they invariably chickened out at the last minute on the night or made an absolute dogs breakfast of their performance. So on several occasions he has asked me to step in to sing a solo to save the day which I have always done. I must admit I was not particularly happy with the situation but it did my reputation no harm.

I have since discovered our new conductor is a raging homosexual which explains his catty attitude. I find most shirt lifters adopt the worst excesses of female conduct without possessing the equipment, but knowing this I am making allowances for his behaviour.


xxx


My solicitor pal Devin is an incurable networker who seems to attend every public social event within a ten mile radius. Invariably I get asked to accompany him when there is a spare ticket if someone drops out. In the past few years I have been to numerous business gatherings as well as most of the cricket, boxing and football club functions in the area. I have now heard most of the after dinner speakers on the circuit. I joke the only reason I eat properly is the free buffets and dinners I attend on a monthly basis. At the end of January I was dragged along to a Burns supper organised by the West Bromwich Labour party. I am certainly no devotee of the Labour party but through my attendance at diver’s functions over the years I am now on first name terms with our two local MPs Tom and Adrian who I consider harmless old buffers. I continue to vote Conservative despite this acquaintance.

The Black Country Burns night was a bizarre affair held in an Indian banqueting centre with a kilted piper from Walsall piping in faggots and peas with the traditional haggis. The preposterous Scottish country dancing and general incongruous nature of the evening would have had any self respecting Scotsman reaching for his claymore and Kirk.

Despite the incongruity it ended up as an agreeable evening. I was introduced to Andy Burnham who is strongly tipped to be next labour party leader and I made a few other contacts that may be useful in the future. On our table sat a rather delectable Indian lady in her late 30s. She was a political fixer and image consultant of some description but was delightful and charming and our conversation proved engaging and enjoyable.

Since his affair with a delicious and fragrant temptress fifteen years his junior my pal Devin never misses the opportunity to (good naturedly) remind me of my relative lack of success with women and take the piss. He asked our elegant companion what she could do as a makeover for me, I was expecting her to be polite and not mention lost causes or cosmetic surgery but maybe suggest a good haircut and a more modern wardrobe. She took a long careful look at me before giving a response that surprised me somewhat. She declared she considered me personable, charming and witty and would not change anything about me. Now I am not vain enough to take her complimentary remarks seriously but it did confirm a hypothesis I will expand upon later.


xxx


A couple of weeks ago I was invited by an old girlfriend to a school reunion. It was not a reunion of my own alma mater but of the other school in my town of birth. I actually attended Tipton Grammar School, which was like a borstal for clever kids. I did however know many people from the other school, in my youth I had been a DJ and had a small following around the pubs and youth clubs in the early 1970s. My friend suggested there may be a few of my old flames in attendance

The reunion party was held at a posh hotel in Dudley although they had hidden the cutlery and anything that could be stolen in deference to the party being from Tipton.

I was pleasantly surprised to meet six of my old girlfriends who I had carnal knowledge of in my youth. They were all fat now but still had attractive faces, it was as if someone had taken these pretty girls I knew aged 17, placed a bicycle pump in their anal orifices and inflated them. It was wonderful to see them and they all expressed how they each had a serious crush on me in their youth but that I was such a bastard to them. Hindsight has taught me that it was when I was such a bastard I was highly successful with women. It was only in later life when I became civilised and respectful to women I became such an utter failure. Needless to say they all reported they were happy with their current partners and needless to say I went home alone

Although it was nice to see these old girlfriends I could not fail to notice how shallow the conversations were even amongst themselves. I have a similar issue with the women I engage with at weekends in my local. Now I appreciate there is a time and place for deep intellectual dialogue and being out on the piss on a Friday night is not the place. However it is frustrating when their attention span is so short a conversation only lasts a sentence or two before they get bored. I joke with them that they have to remove their bras to count to two.

There has been a debate in the readers' submissions about the difficulty communicating with Thai women and how it is almost impossible to have intelligent conversation. I do not know if it true but is understandable and forgivable in a developing country with a poor education system and a culture that does not encourage intellectual curiosity and inquisitiveness.

What I find more disturbing is this accusation could equally be levelled at the vast majority of womanhood in Britain. In a country with compulsory education, a tradition of democratic debate and a proud cultural history, the lack of interest in anything beyond the TV soap operas and reality shows is both alarming and unforgivable.

I am not being a snob and am not denigrating the ordinary women who are a bit dim if they appreciate the fact. These stalwarts when out on a weekend want merely to get bladdered in the minimum time, take pointless selfies and eventually collapse helpless somewhere on their way home. They are generally harmless.

The women who I detest are those that THINK they are smart but are actually as thick as a blind cobblers thumb. These women are told by society they are empowered and liberated and entitled to whatever they desire. They lack the intellectual wherewithal to question this nonsense. Invariably it is these creatures that make the gratuitous and mean-spirited putdowns to men.

I feel I have a few things going for me; I would like to think I am a decent bloke, honest, likeable with a ready wit and certainly not too repulsive. I still have a good head of hair and most of my own teeth. I am not overweight and I dress well, if a tad conservative. However a cursory examination of demographics suggests there are significantly more acceptable men than there are tolerable women in the 40- 60 age group. In such a competitive environment where I am not just competing with at least 10 other guys for each tolerable female I am also competing with the unreasonable expectations of modern womanhood.

If pear-shaped women have suddenly become very desirable I never got that memo.


xxx


There is a strange dichotomy that I generally get on very well with intellectual educated women. I can appreciate a literary allusion and can engage in a discussion on most subjects when pressed. My pals have noted that my slightly self deprecating style and gentle wit goes down very well with bright intelligent ladies. There is a school of thought that everyone should keep to their own level which I believe the Germans refer to as one’s “Niveaux” or station. Unfortunately cultured and knowledgeable middle aged women who are single and available are as rare as finding a normal hand with four fingers and a thumb on the terraces at the Molineux stadium in Wolverhampton.

I have a pal from my karaoke associates named John who is a scruffy little bugger with little going for him. He fancies his neighbour who is an obese and unequivocally unattractive creature in her mid 50’s. She is quite gruesome and pushes an empty pram around the neighbourhood. I consider her little better than a bag lady but for some reason John fancies her. I attribute this to the axiom that in the land of the truly hideous the merely repulsive is king. For reasons of female contrariness she continues to reject him. For some inexplicable reason he pointed her in the direction of my Facebook page. After seeing my photo she declared I was not her type for which I count my blessings and am eternally grateful.

I cite this merely as an extreme example of the delusion that English females often exhibit.


xxx


By the same token many men of my acquaintance are deluded about their attractiveness to women. This is mainly because of their experience when they interface daily with females at work, particularly in a professional environment. Women in a professional environment act completely differently whilst they are at work from when they are outside of the business environment. They are polite to even the biggest tossers in the office and are even slightly flirty with them because it is business.

I see this at business functions I attend. I meet charming fragrant females who are polite and appear interested and attentive to what you have to say. Because it is business, even empowered females understand there is a strict etiquette in the world of commerce. They suspend their natural inclination to shun men that do not meet their criteria. However, we must always remember it is merely an act, a thespian performance necessary to survive in a business situation. It is similar to the act of suspending one's revulsion and being pleasant to an exceptionally odious and unpleasant customer because it is business. If you met any of these women in a wine bar or a pub in the town centre they can default to their customary rudeness and you can expect to be subjected to the worst excesses of contemporary female behaviour.

A possible strategy could be to engage them whilst they are in the flirty friendly business mode then take them to the pub seamlessly maintaining the business mode in the social context. I have done this and it works to a point but they will employ one final obstacle. They will always tell you they have a partner already even if they live alone with just a cat for company. To an empowered western woman not having a partner is an admission of failure.

In the past ten years I have received a lot of advice about women from friends and acquaintances and been counselled on all the mistakes I make. I have found most of the guidance from Stickman readers about Thai women to be extremely accurate and useful. Unfortunately I have found the advice I generally receive regarding western women to be as useless as Anna Frank’s piano

I am also getting very good at finding excuses for my failures.


xxx



It goes without saying that I am currently going through a lean patch with regard to affairs of the heart. Following my unsuccessful and disconcerting episode with Nee, my mature lady friend, I decided to take a short break from Thai ladies in the UK. There is a truism attributed to Albert Einstein that doing the same things but expecting different results is a form of insanity. With this in mind I return to the western dating websites with my usual trepidation and take a minute to make a few observations about womanhood in general.

Girls aged 16 to 20 are sexual animals driven by raging hormones and can be somewhat indiscriminate with their sexual favours. In a pre industrial society this is the age when they would be having babies as these are their most fertile years. It is not until 20 they realise their sexual aperture has an economic value. By their 30s they will have (hopefully) found their life partners, married, had children and live happy ever after. They have been removed from the dating market and are now unavailable.

Those females remaining in the dating market include those left on the shelf or those whose marriages have failed and are subsequently divorced. A large proportion of available females aged 30 to 50 are single mothers. A fundamental difficulty with single mothers is they are not looking for love but seeking help with bringing up their offspring. Then there are the ex party girls rejected by men as serious partners who have yet to accept they have hit the wall and are now past it.

So all that single men of a certain age have available for selection is the rejected and recycled. It is shoddy merchandise that is shallow delusional and entitled. Not an appetising prospect you will agree.

On the universal scale where Jessica Alba and Megan Fox are 9 and Susan Boyle is a 2 many of the middle aged women on the western dating sites rank barely a 4. Yet they are convinced they deserve Brad Pitt or David Beckham.

Some of the statements these women declare on their profiles warrant a little scrutiny.
• No one night stands, if you’re looking for sex jog on…. (fair enough)
• I am not looking for a date or relationship ….(make your bloody mind up)
• Average body shape… (this invariably means fat)
• I have a few extra pounds… (means clinically obese)
• Looking for a sense of humour… (dance monkey dance)
• No time wasters…(this is usually spelled as waisters which speaks volumes)
• Love me love my dog….(ugh…the dog will be allowed on her bed)

My only question about dogs is, are they small enough to fit in a casserole or will they require barbequing?


xxx


Whilst I feel I have some things going for me, at 59 I am realistic enough to accept I am beginning to look my age so modified my aspirations. I gave up on women younger than 45 some years ago and recently discovered I am of no interest to women younger than 55. My recent strategy was to focus on women aged 55 to 65 working on the assumption their kids have totally fled the nest and have finally looked in the mirror with some sense of realism.

The results were disappointing I had three replies, one informing me I was not tall enough another that she always went with much younger men and the third notified me I was not her type. I did get some attention but the youngest female who showed the slightest interest in me was 70 years old.

It begs the question is dating a woman ten years older than me a reasonable option? On the one side she would cook me meals and iron my shirts but driving her to her numerous medical appointments could be a chore. I am inclined to heed the counsel of my pal Chris (who writes as Old Bill in Cyprus) who recently had an experience with a cultured lady several years older than him. His advice was most emphatic…..steer clear.

Undeterred I tried a different stratagem and set the search filters on the POF dating site to only bring up women with at least a Degree. I was working on the assumption that an education implied some intelligence. The site had to extend the search to 80 miles outside my area as there were hardly any single educated females within a 10 mile radius of my location. This speaks volumes as to why I am beginning to really hate this area I live in. It was rumoured that the popular TV programme CSI which is about forensic science considered the Black Country as a location for a new series but as there were no dental records and insufficient variety in the DNA the plan was abandoned.

I have not completely given up on this strategy but it could be rather inconvenient attempting a relationship with a lady 80 miles away…..oops and this from a chap whose previous efforts involved relationships 5000 miles away in Thailand.

I must admit the MGTOW (Men going their own way) option is looking decidedly enticing. There are times when I look forward to when my libido diminishes and I can give up chasing women and relax….but not yet.

The other option remains that of Thailand….there is always Thailand. I must admit the thought of being cared for in my dotage by a gentle, kind-hearted, mature Thai lady is most compelling. It is infinitely preferable to being ignored in a rust belt nursing home staffed by heartless harridans from the British underclass.

I was hoping to make a trip to Thailand this month but unfortunately could not get the money together. So it is back to the ThaiCupid site to explore possibilities in finding a Thai lady for the future. I appreciate I will have to support her but I may fall lucky and find an orphan. Failing that I may find one whose children have all grown up and her parents have passed away. If I don’t have to finance a small Issan province retirement in the Kingdom may still be a feasible option.

In my next submission I will relate my efforts, so as usual watch this space.


xxx