Another Farang Statistic?
I stumbled across your website whilst searching for answers / guidance on my Thai : Farang marriage. Very interesting reading and accurate as well, I would appreciate your opinion if you have time to give it. Feel free to post it if you feel it warrants airing it but, please, no names.
Arrived in Thailand some 14 years ago on a boat on which I worked so it wasn't my choice of country to hang out in, just perks of the job. I met a lady and all seemed to be going well. She got pregnant and we married and have been for 7 years now. We had another child and they are 6 and 4, beautiful children loved by all.
I give my wife 60K baht per month which she swears all goes on food, fuel, paying a maid to help her out etc but it is never enough and I tend to think that she is not being fully honest with me. Yes, it's expensive to live in Phuket but really, is it that expensive? I do give extra when needed but expenses just to keep the whole show going are close to 100K baht per month including exorbitant school fees so my kids can have a have a dual language education. We do not live in a villa with a pool or the likes but a typical 2-bedroom semi-detached Thai house in a typical Thai housing estate.
I unfortunately spend many months at a time away at sea to be able to keep these expenses paid and I don't get much of a hand in any decision-making about how the kids are brought up or household matters. In fact when I do suggest something or try something my way I am criticised and poo-hooed and feel like I am being held in some sort of contempt. I have to work away like this as she won't move to Australia with me where I have the opportunity of different work that would see me home every night as a father and husband should be. She could also get a job and earn money which she is constantly complaining about, not being able to do here because I won't support funding her ideas of a business that will cost me yet more money in rent and outlays.
I am pretty sure my wife doesn't respect me at all, and when she gets heated which doesn't take much she speaks down to me in this condescending manner which is really starting to wear thin.
Discussions on money matters always lead to arguments. I don't trust her as there have been financial things done in the past which were kept from me, not big $$$ but they were deceitful. On mentioning them I get abused and spoken down to again like I should just accept what she decides and just keep my mouth shut.
I know if we part ways she will get the kids, or at least split them up which she has threatened already because she will finish with me. It seems that in these circumstances in this and many countries the women get the kids full time and that is that. She would head off to be with her huge family in the south and I would have to try to maintain a relationship with my kids out of a hotel every 4 to 5 months or so. You can imagine how that will go.
She can have our house and I will still support her and my children and pay their schooling but I sense a wild beast lurking in her character that will, with the help of her family, see me out of the picture altogether and I will lose those two precious children.
I am 54 and have my fair share of character defects like everyone else, but her attitude towards me has left me feeling stunned. Some things I have read tonight ring true in my situation and I feel like another statistic. I don't really understand Thai culture but I do respect it. I don't mind a lot of things but I have seen a very racist side to Thais. Maybe that is just my wife and the people she surrounds herself with and therefore my experience also. She is a bitter person, probably due to her past like so many other poor Thai girls but she can't separate the then from the now.
I have rambled on here trying to make sense of it all and still can't. I guess a good lawyer is on the cards if we split which I think we probably will end up doing because I cannot handle this any longer. All I want is reasonable access to my children on a fair and regular basis and the opportunity for them to holiday in my country of origin from time to time so they can get to know their grandparents and other family members there better. (They have both travelled there several times and both loved it). I want her to have the rest, house, car etc.
I blame myself for all that has happened, although I thought I had chosen well the pregnancy changed all that but I took on my responsibility with gusto and joy. I just never bargained on the soul-destroying disrespect and how my wife is so far removed from what I read or heard Thai women to be. Mine is lazy, a control freak and incredibly ungrateful for the life changing support she has had. Nearly a carbon copy of those damn Thai soap operas.
Anyway thanks for reading and thanks for taking the time to put together such a great website that I only wish I had seen seven years ago.
I wish I had some advice for you but I don't. The tone of the email suggests that the relationship is beyond the point of no return. If that is indeed the case, I am afraid that what you say about seeking legal advice is probably the next best step.
It does rather sound that your wife is ungrateful and 60K baht a month is plenty. You can comfortably run a household – even with a couple of kids – for less than half of that and that would still leave her 30K for her own expenses / spending money. 60K baht per month is much more than the average *family* earns in Thailand so she really has no basis for complaint in that respect.