Readers' Submissions

The Brokenman is Repaired Part 15/1

  • Written by Phet
  • February 10th, 2015
  • 18 min read

Part 1 Bangkok bound

The National Express coach deposited me at Heathrow central bus station and I made my way to Terminal 2 which is the new home of Thai Airways. I had left my youngest son and his girlfriend asleep in the student squat that used to be my flat. I shuddered to think what condition it would be in on my return but at that moment I was just glad to get away for a time.

I checked my luggage at the Thai Air desk then made my way through security to the departure gate. Gate 31 was so far away by the time I finally arrived I thought I was on Hackney marshes. As we boarded the plane I acknowledged I was finally on my way to my fifteenth trip to the Kingdom of Thailand, the land of vertical smiles. The flight was surprisingly only half full so I had a little room to spread out. I had a couple of books on my kindle app but didn’t feel like reading. I got myself comfortable, closed my eyes and reflected on my current circumstances.

I am approaching the age where tucking my shirt into my underpants was beginning to feel alarmingly comfortable which is but a short step to pipe, slippers and incontinent pants if one is not careful. I am already finding the waistband of my trousers creeping higher up my body and seem to have acquired a collection of beige cardigans.

I must admit I felt a little guilty about taking this trip. There were so many other more sensible things I should be spending my money on than a visit to Thailand. Fortunately I took that thought into a dark corner and beat it soundly with a stout stick. I rationalised I had been feeling a little dispirited of late and hadn’t had a holiday for almost three years.

I had however questioned my motivation and remain a little disturbed at the emotional investment I make in the thought of a Thailand trip. Not only had it become my only source of carnal activity it appears to be the primary source of any female attention or affection, which is quite sad. Like most of the human race, all I seek is a little feminine comfort and someone to love and grow old with. It is most distressing that I can not envisage ever finding this in England and yes, I am patently aware this makes me sound like a sad old tosser…..guilty as charged Milord.

The eleven hour flight passed without incident and as we approached Bangkok I looked through the cabin window to see a fog of pollution hanging over the city. Upon landing I worked my way through Immigration, baggage reclaim and into the queue for a taxi. The traffic was still as bad as I remembered from previous visits and it took over an hour to arrive at the Mothership aka the Nana Hotel but it was like returning home. Many disparaging comments are made about the Nana Hotel referring to it as the old folk’s home or Pfizer junction but I have always liked the place. The staff are helpful and friendly and staying there has always been a fundamental part of my Bangkok experience.

I took a quick shower, donned a drinking shirt and made my way to the Golden Bar to be greeted by my old pal Bangkok Barry. It was great to see him and as I put myself outside a cold Heineken he bought me up to date with the saga of his ancestral pile being built in the Isaan. He was happy to report; with the installation of a reliable internet connection he considered the project complete. We are joined by another stick reader, Sid, an entertaining fellow who was an ex NY Cop. He immediately admonished me for not answering one of his notes to me. This did not sound like me but I apologised profusely and promised to check. Barry is a modern day Professor Higgins and has a penchant for saving fallen women. After an hour or so he left me for an assignation with one of his Eliza Doolittle’s. When Sid also departed I made my way to the Nana Plaza for a little exploration of its delights.

I commenced my tour in Spellbound had a quick chat with Dave the Rave but after one beer made my way up to Mandarin. I then took a look in Rainbow 4 and must report seeing some lovely girls; I certainly didn’t see any of the fat girls reported in some recent submissions. Whether it was jet lag but by my next beer I ended up as drunk as a Drayman’s nag and gingerly made my way back to Nana Hotel. I was ok until some clumsy sod trod on my fingers.

I woke next morning at 0600 wide awake and found I couldn’t return to sleep. So I got up, unpacked my case and then went down to the dining room and ate a hearty breakfast. I had travelled light this trip so needed to find a pharmacy to buy some toiletries. I took a stroll across Suhkumvit Road to the Nana Mall but found everything closed for the King’s birthday. As I walked back I felt pain in my legs a sure sign I was going to have trouble walking any distance. I stopped in the Stumble Inn for an orange juice and a rest as I considered my strategy. I decided to return to the Nana and have a short nap.

I woke at 4.30 and went down to the Golden Bar to investigate the daytime girls. I had resolved I would not drink any beer until after 6.00 PM when sun is over the yardarm so had a coffee. I noticed a couple of promising prospects for later consideration.

That evening there was a tribute evening planned for our pal Phil Pascoe who we sadly lost this year. I caught a motorbike taxi to the Queen Vic pub where I arranged to meet Barry for a spot of dinner prior to the meeting. We are joined by Alan, one of Phil’s oldest friends. We had hardly taken the skin off our beers when the legendary Stickman arrives and takes his seat.

We order food and a pleasant conversation ensues. It had probably been five years since I had last seen Stick but noted he had retained his boyish good lucks and gentle charm. The conversation naturally revolved around Stick’s plans to leave Bangkok and our worries for the future of the site. I expressed the concern that without the Stickman site some of us would have to get a life. Stick did make the observation that in the West people wake up with a sense of purpose but whilst living in Thailand he felt that this sense of purpose was generally missing as one day blends into another. I suspected the effort maintaining the high standards on his site would be sufficient motivation for most people but I imagine Stick is a hard taskmaster to himself and could understand his remark. He did assure us the site would continue for some time yet. The thought struck me that running the site would suit me and give me the excuse for moving to Thailand. Maybe I should buy the site from him in a couple of year’s time.

Dinner complete, we left Stick to attend his bible class and made our way back to Soi Cowboy. At the Tilac we are greeted by the usual suspects Union Hill, Rory S, David D, Andrew from the Boosa bar and a couple of Phil’s pals I didn’t know, all seated in the outside area. Introductions affected we raised a few glasses to the old bugger and recited a few anecdotes and tales about Phil, principally on the subject of his legendary frugality.

I eventually went inside the bar and as I got settled I am enveloped by a big chunky girl with enormous breasts and horrendous tattoos. I had hardly got my breath when she asked me to buy her a drink which I acquiesced out of politeness. She was definitely not to my “spec” and was quite pushy to the point of aggressive. She smeared the salt and lemon from her tequila on her nipple and forced said appendage into my mouth to suck. This may have been a pleasant experience had I been given reasonable notice but was quite scary in the forceful manner it was done which had me choking and my life passed before my eyes. Jeez I thought, this is a man's work and I am just a boy. She was quite offended that I wouldn’t commit to barfining her within 30 seconds of her approach. I put a note in the bar bin, made the excuse of needing the toilet and departed with indecent haste. I sincerely hoped this was not the shape of things to come.

I found Union Hill still outside and asked if he fancied a quick perusal of the Dollhouse to which he quickly agreed. I suspected the Tilac was not his favourite bar. The atmosphere of the Dollhouse was more relaxed and gave the opportunity to catch up on our respective stories since we last met. True to form, Union Hill regaled me with an account of his latest misadventures that would make your hair curl. There is always a stable of appealing fillies at this establishment but I was quite taken with a dek serve girl who was extremely courteous and attentive to us. I mentioned how everyone on the staff looked bored to which Union Hill explained at any one time, whether at work or play, 99% of Thais were bored. I had however noticed the slightly older girl seemed somewhat fascinated by us.

We paid the bill, I gave the girl a decent tip and we took the few steps back to the Tilac. The gang were still sat in the outside area so we rejoined them for a couple of beers. Whilst engaged in a conversation with Andrew about some of the great times we had in the Booza bar on Soi 7/1, I noticed Union Hill in dispute with one of the staff. I suspected it was his customary argument about bill padding and assumed we would be moving on shortly.

We make our way to the Country Road bar which has always been one of my favourite haunts. I notice a new band playing who sounded most competent. We get settled and are immediately joined by two girls dressed like rock chicks. They were both in their early 30s and toothsome little poppets. One in particular was most appealing and observed if I had met her in the UK I would have been proposing to her with indecent haste. Unfortunately she immediately took a shine to Union Hill which although perfectly understandable was a little disappointing.

We later put our heads in the bar opposite. This was also a lively establishment with a proficient band and some pretty serving girls. We are joined by an energetic little poppet who clearly had some history with Union Hill. She was a spirited little dancer who reminded me of Jane, a girl who dances in my local. We spent an entertaining hour until we decided we had drunk enough and should consider making our way home. Both of us know when we have had enough…..although we do tend to have another three or four drinks after that. Union Hill took a taxi home whilst I risked a motorbike taxi back to the Nana Hotel. It was great to see the old scoundrel again; you know you have had a serious drink when you have been in the company of Union Hill.

The next day I woke early again but after taking breakfast had a lazy day around the Nana area. Caught up with some of my emails but turned the internet off on my smart phone when I saw the bill I had accumulated. That evening I again took a motorbike taxi to Soi Cowboy. On the duckboard outside the Tilac I spy Dave D and Scottish Jim so join them. Jim had only arrived that morning so had missed the previous evening’s get together. I had known Jim from previous visits. He is an amiable fellow and we regularly exchanged emails. I didn’t have much opportunity to chat with David the previous evening but that evening gave chance for him to fill in the details of the circumstances of Phil’s demise. We chat for an hour or so and when they depart I make the few steps to the Dollhouse. My intention was to continue my investigation of Thai anatomy in the upstairs bar. But first a perusal of the downstairs bar was in order.

I took my seat when the pleasant little dek serve girl from the previous evening presented herself “I noticed you and your friend in here last night, I was interested that you were chatting and laughing all night but did not pay any attention to the girls on stage”. I laughed and asked her where she had learnt to speak such good English she smiled and remarked “it is a long story”. I ordered a Heineken and joked she could tell me on her return. When she returned with my beer she smiled and told me some years ago she was at the bus station in her home town when she saw a farang couple trying to make sense of the signs that were all in Thai. They couldn’t speak Thai and none of the Thais could speak English “I felt sorry for them so I decided to learn English so next time I saw anyone in difficulty I could help them”. She laughed as she continued “Now I have learnt English I have never been in a bus station again”. With that she turned away to serve another customer. She did not return until I called for another beer which was a nice change from the forceful behaviour I had experienced in other bars.

She had an attractive face, was very petite and I must declare she had fascinated me. When she returned with my beer I suggested I buy her a drink and she come and sit with me and tell me a little more about herself. She came back with a traditional lady drink which was also a nice change from the ubiquitous tequilas that have become commonplace. She was an entertaining little chatterbox. She told me she was 31 and had worked in the bar for three months having previously worked in a variety of jobs. After another couple of drinks I suggested I pay her bar fine. She seemed pleased with the idea and rushed away to affect the arrangement.

She returned dressed in a moderately demure red dress. She looked pretty but I could not fail to notice that her left eye had begun to swell alarmingly before my eyes as she stood before me. She apologised that she thought she may have scratched her eye with a mascara brush. Just my luck, I thought, five minutes ago she was lovely but once I had parted with the bar fine she turned into Quasimodo’s sister.

But my compassionate nature got the better of me and I suggested she go to hospital to get it checked out. I was expecting to take her in taxi but she walked me around the corner to a Nissan Private parked outside the Queen Vic which she explained was her vehicle. It was a few years old but as I got in observed it was clean and in good condition. Despite her distress she drove to the Nana Hotel and parked in the hotel car park. I dropped a 100 baht tip to the security guy and took a taxi to the Police General hospital on Rama 1.

The hospital was very clean and the A&E department did not appear to have a shortage of staff. She was quickly dealt with by a highly competent nurse who cleaned her eye and gave her some antibiotics. We were back on the street within 15 minutes. I may have not heard correctly but believe it had cost less than 200 baht. We take a taxi back to the Nana Hotel and up to my room. Already the swelling of her face had reduced considerably and her spirits were lifted. Being Thai, her improved mood involved the feeling of hunger so I let her order from room service. Being Thai this entailed being extremely wasteful by ordering a seafood salad for 550 baht which was basically fish sticks and lettuce.

She made up for this by giving me a demonstration of her dancing skills as she performed a rather stirring private strip tease. She had a tight petite body with only one discrete tattoo in the small of her back above her pert little bottom. With a mudgeon as tight as a mouse’s ear once connected it was not long before I felt the jester’s toes upon me and she took deposit of my long celibacy. With the metaphorical hump on my back removed I slept like a baby.

We woke too late for the Nana breakfast so went to Hanrahan's for brunch. Gem had a fund of interesting stories and opened up a bit more. She told me how she took English lessons, how she had visited the UK and had worked with a sister in a factory in Chengdu, China. We went back to room for a pleasant little afternoon session where I introduced her to Mr. Tongue and my cunning linguist skills. I soon had her shaking like a shitting dog and calling for her maker. She claimed to have never experienced it before which somewhat surprised me. She left me late afternoon to do those things Thai girls do allowing me perform a few chores on the internet.

I had the usual problem I always get on my first day in Thailand and could not withdraw money from the ATM. I phoned my Bank and although they immediately released the block I was annoyed as I had notified them of my travel arrangements the week before. Don’t start me on the subject of Banks….

Early evening I meet up with Gem in Big Dogs at the entrance of the Nana Plaza. She seems pleased to see me and was once again in a talkative mood. Many Thai girls because they lack curiosity appear quite shallow and it is often difficult to get more than a superficial conversation with them….. Not so with Gem. She was proud that she got barfined more than the go-go dancers, which she laughed was source of annoyance to them. She only went quiet when she informed me she was actually 41 and not 31 as she had previously stated. She informed me that she really liked me and did not want to lie to me which made me smile a little. I told her it did not bother me unduly as age is only a number…. unless you are a man in the west older than 41 which means you become invisible more effectively than using Harry Potter’s cloak.

We took a look in Lollipop then moved to Spellbound. As we got settled I explained my annoyance at the aggressive approach for drinks I had experienced in some bars. Gem smiled and suggested I buy one lady drink for a particular dek serve girl she identified whilst she slipped away for a moment. When she returned she laid out a bag of grasshoppers and assorted bugs on the ledge before us. As each of the serving girls walked past she invited them to help themselves. We found although the serving girls and a few of the dancers would happily come and talk to us as they availed themselves of our insect offerings I was not hassled for drinks all evening.

We had one last drink in Hillary Red and I noticed Gem seemed quite inebriated although she hadn’t drunk much. I suspect with their small frames Thai women do not have a great capacity for alcohol. I got her back to my room and put her into bed. At 4.00 AM she woke, decided she was hungry so she disappeared in search of street food. She returned just as I received a phone call from my aged mother. With her Alzheimer’s she had forgotten I was in Thailand and merely wanted to complain about doing my son and his girlfriend's washing. The surrealism of watching a Thai girl laying out her exotic comestibles on the hotel floor whilst listening to a mundane domestic complaint from my mother in England amused me somewhat.

The next morning I was bound for Pattaya so left Gem sleeping whilst I availed myself of the Nana breakfast. I got back to the room to find she had packed my bag for me. I had to do it again but certainly appreciated the kind thought. We said our goodbyes; I checked out of the Nana and made my way to the car park and into the care of the gentlemen of the Nana limo service.

To be continued