Readers' Submissions

Making a Difference

  • Written by Anonymous
  • December 15th, 2014
  • 6 min read

I need guidance from the experienced Stick.

You may publish this as a submission though it is more a email to you. Please DO NOT publish my name or email.

I respect your integrity and am also sorry that you plan to quit Thailand for good. Your efforts are unmatched and you are part of a dying breed.

For the context – I am from India and never married

Now coming to the problem:

Making a Difference – by the Penitent Man (you published my last sub as the "Pertinent Man")

I work as a Product Line Manager at a giant US MNC and travel worldwide for close to 7 months in a year. The work culture is brutal and I am just a metric on the spreadsheet and so are my colleagues to be fair. I am single and am almost 40 years of age.

In April of this year I suffered a clear fracture of my Tibia in a freak accident and underwent surgery. A metal rod was inserted in my bone to keep it stable. This was my first experience of ever going to a hospital for a major problem. I spent 6 weeks bed-ridden and another 3 months painfully recovering from the fracture.

I was extremely lonely and transitioning from an active life to an inactive life where I had to depend on someone to use the toilet which was depressing but at the same time was an opportune time for me step back and experience the fragility of life.

I travelled to Thailand for a month in September / October on unpaid leave to come out of my pain. I travelled to Bangkok, Pattaya, Chiang Mai, Phuket, Koh Phangan before travelling back home. In Chiang Mai, I met a bargirl who was young and could not speak English and was originally from Myanmar but had lived in Thailand since a young age. I used her phone translator to tell her of my pain and she was so understanding and really, really took care of me. The affection and the understanding from an almost stranger was overwhelming.

I barfined her everyday for the 6 nights I was in Chiang Mai, and even though I needed her presence rather than the bad sex, she would insist that I make love to her every night. I then invited her to fly with me to Phuket and she agreed. So we went to Phuket and Ao Nang for 6 days and I indulged her in every attraction that the islands offered. Just to feel the joy and laughter of a girl who had never flown before or seen the beach or parasailed or snorkeled was healing.

Even though her English was very limited and we had to use her phone for conversations, priceless was the young girl's joy and was so healing. She flew back to Chiang Mai, while I travelled to Koh Phangan. But I felt empty and invited her again to join me in Bangkok, to which she agreed and we spent 3 days in Bangkok. I flew home while she flew back to Chiang Mai.

I vowed to myself that I will help this sweet girl who had immensely contributed to my healing. So I came back to Chiang Mai in December and I learned she went to Sukhothai University and was also learning English at place which charged a bomb, but looking at the curriculum was a just a scam. I offered to enroll her at the British Council language school and pay full fees for the course of Basic English. This was payback for the healing and I wanted to make it clear that it was NOT for any sex, as I planned to fly back after 3 days in Chiang Mai.

I could not make her understand my intentions, so I asked a Thai girl to help translate that I wanted her to get the language skills to eventually find a good farang husband. But the whole thing was lost in translation and for reasons unknown she cried and asked me to never meet her again. I was surprised and shocked that she would not take a simple payback for the priceless healing that she had given me.

One of the friends of the Thai girl that I had asked to translate said she understood my intentions and to make a long story short she became close to me. She is 32 years old and I could talk to her as an adult. Than she said that I was strange to offer money for no sex with the young girl. I told her about the healing and also that I went to graduate school at the University of Wisconsin-Madison on a full scholarship and all I wanted to do was provide a small window of opportunity that I had myself had been blessed with.

Eventually we had sex, which was great and she refused to take money from me. As I got to know this lady better, she said she has 2 kids from a Thai guy who said goodbye after 9 years. I met the kids who are absolutely sweet and also met her sister and a cousin of hers. She has never worked as a bargirl and her parents are quite well off and she is the only surviving daughter. She is depressed at being alone and also worries about the future of her kids, which to a single mother in Thailand is quite a brutal situation.

I know that all she wants is respect and the security and someone to tell her it is not her fault and she is not trash. She thinks I am the guy and she wants to move with me to India while her parents will take care of her kids here in Thailand. She so craves respect that she does not understand or is willing to ignore the impracticalities of the whole thing.

I understand why she wants to take the impractical step of moving to India, which I know eventually would end in mutual pain. For her to consider a guy from India is enough to understand that the white guys she has met here do not even remotely represent the white community.

Now I could not make any difference to the young girl who gave me so much, but I am determined to help this lady and her kids. I am already here in Chiang Mai and I want to stand for her, heal her and also I know for sure there are kind excellent white guys here in Thailand who would love to make a difference. In return they will get unlimited gratefulness from the lady and the deep sense of fulfillment.

So Stick, I want to stick my neck out and really would want her to meet a kind Farang guy who would keep her here in Thailand.

Help me, guide me, I am willing to do the leg work.

Thank you,

The Penitent Man

Stickman's thoughts:

I admire your the way you want to help this lady and make a positive difference in her life. Fantastic, and wouldn't it be great if everyone was like that.

As I wrote recently, the differences between Thais and Westerners are, in my humble opinion, significant – and I believe this makes leading a happy, fulfilling relationship a challenge. With this in mind I don't have any specific hints or tips on how you can help this lady to find the right guy, but what you could do is perhaps help to vet guys who might come along in to her life. I always think it's best for relationships to start naturally rather than actively hunt for a partner for someone. When a guy comes along you could be there to help with any questions she may have or to help explain any misunderstandings that may arise.

I know this is not particularly insightful advice, but I hope it provides a little food for thought.