Readers' Submissions

I’m Coming to Thailand to Find a Wife

  • Written by Anonymous
  • November 4th, 2014
  • 6 min read


Black Pagoda Patpong Bangkok



A Response to Ken L’s Going to Thailand to Find a Wife

OK – cut to the chase – no bullshit – no beating around the bush [pun intended]

I’m from Oregon, in the USofA – home of the brave, and the free… and rednecks galore [and that has nothing to do with Goldfinger’s pussy…!]

I’ve had one marriage to an American princess followed, thirteen years later, without issue, by one divorce, and a complex alimony deal that my lawyer has yet to manage to explain to me. Shortly afterwards, never one to give up easily, I married again, not to a ‘princess’… Thirteen years later the second divorce is now about to be finalised – my new lawyer is trying to arrange a settlement where I don’t have to pay anything for the kids – not because I’m a mean bastard but because there are no kids… but she seems to feel she’s entitled to compensation for the kids we didn’t have… Go figure.

I should add I’m just an average Joe – not a shmoe – just a middle aged (almost), middle class (mainly), middle of the road (when the lights are green) kinda guy. OK, I said, ‘No bullshit so, I’ll be 59 last birthday, 205lbs (the birthday before last…), I don’t have a ponytail nor do I have a few strands of hair brushed across the top of a bald pate – just a Friar Tuck type of tonsure.

I only drink at home, where I like to watch old B&W movies so if I can find a new lady who also likes to drink at home maybe we might have the start of something good. A few weeks ago a mate who works in my Dept. Store (i.e. where I also work – I don’t own it) said he’s heard Thailand is full of beautiful ladies, most of whom enjoy a drink, or three, at home. He showed me how to work the internet and I’ve spent a few hours checking up on these apparently available damsels.

I have also joined “ThaiLoveliesConnections”. ‘Full of Eastern Promise’ it says, but I’ve yet to add a photo – everything in its right time and place. It’s now November and I’ll soon be snowed in, in Oregon. As soon as I can dig myself, and my two dogs, and a caribou, out – I was joking about the caribou – I’ll start packing. The internet says Thailand will be dry then, and not too hot. I hope not because I was hopeless a few summers back when I had to spend a couple of weeks in LA…

‘Isolated Planet’ (sounds like my kind of guide) says you can rent apartments / rooms for $150/month and I’m going to start in Bangkok, although I’m not used to big cities – just big titties… Whoops, didn’t mean to write that but I’m just going with my flow, and my mate also said Asian ladies are not as ‘small’ as they used to be – something to do with the diet, apparently…

I’m not planning on going to Pattaya because a few people seem to believe the ladies there might be just a tad greedy about the old greenbacks – know what I mean – but I do aim to try Phuket which seems to be much quieter. I enjoy quiet days beside water and maybe I can get in a bit of tuna fishing.

Then there’s a place called Chang-My, where the beer comes from, which might be worth a look-see although it seems to be in the middle of the Opium triangle and I don’t want to get caught up in anything there – I saw Bangkok Hilton like everyone else. But I can look after myself – I go to the gym two or three times a month to keep in shape, even if it is now becoming a rather round shape.

I was surprised to discover the movie about the bridge over the river Kwai all took place in Thailand and it might be interesting to see what those guys went through, and see that amazing bridge. I know it was blown up in the movie but I think that was just a model. Imagine meeting a lady from Kwai and taking her back to meet my family – I’m sure they’d have lots to ask her. Imagine those stories…

Let me assure all you readers – if you’ve got this far – that I don’t expect to be spending much time in bars – from what I’ve heard those women seem to have very loose morals and aren’t really the sort of person you’d want to introduce to your family, let alone marry. But I would appreciate some advice from you guys as to where else I might find the sort of decent lady who would be happy to spend the rest of her life in Oregon.

I’m sure any one of you guys will know more about all this than I do, although I expect by this time next year I am going to be much more savvy than now, so I’m open to suggestions. I have heard that all Thai villages have like marriage-brokers so how do I get to meet them, and let them know my intentions – that I’m looking for a lifetime partner, to share everything? – not just a maid.

I think a lady about 35-45 would be best, as long as she’s still fit and healthy, and also has big ti… Sorry, only joking. I don’t mind if she has children although she will have to realise I have my own family (many nephews and nieces, and so on) and will not be able to take on a new family – I certainly do not want to have children of my own with her. A few years back I had the ‘little chop’ so it’s unlikely anyway.

Back home, in my small town there is an Asian fusion restaurant and I’ve had some good meals there so I’m looking forward to finding my favourite food in Thailand. I know it might be a bit stupid to be searching for a wife in this way but, if you don’t go looking you can’t expect everybody to just come a-knocking on your door. That’s why I’m expecting it to take a month or so – I’ve got special leave from work and my mates all have their fingers crossed for me. If there’s anything I’ve forgotten please let me know – because I’m all rarin’ to go…

Don’t bother to tell me this is the stupidest idea you’ve ever heard because my minds made up.

Thanks.



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