Stickman Readers' Submissions October 21st, 2014

How To Get My Life Back?

I need your advice on my relationship situation. I know that you must get a lot of such emails and I am sorry to bother you with it, but I really don't know what to do right now.

I want to break up with my Thai girlfriend. We have been together for about 1.5 years. I moved to Bangkok permanently for work in August and we moved into an apartment together. She still has her previous apartment but moved most of her stuff to my place.

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I told her that I want to break up with her the weekend before last. She went a bit crazy and pulled a knife on me, threatened to kill me, or kill herself. But after some more talking and crying, she finally seemed to accept it. We agreed that she should stay at her apartment for some days and then we could talk it over again.

She came back the same night.

I told her I still want the breakup. She told me she hadn't gone home but just saw some friends and smoked ice (meth?) with them.

I went to work on Monday and she stayed at my apartment. We didn't talk when I came back from work. She was just crying all the time.

When I went to work on Tuesday, she was still crying. A friend of hers called me around noon and told me that my girlfriend is sick and has to go to hospital. I picked her up at the apartment and asked her what had happened. She said she drank some toilet cleaner (or maybe smoked some more ice?) and couldn't feel her legs and arms. So I took her to hospital where she stayed over night.

I picked her up from the hospital on Wednesday after work and brought her back to my place. She told me she was pregnant. We had talked about this a lot previously and I always told her that I don't want any kids. She already has one son and told me that after several miscarriages with previous boyfriend(s) she couldn't have anymore kids. (How stupid was I to believe that?!) She said if I would stay with her, she could get an abortion. I said "Ok, get the abortion and we can try again." (Yes, I am a really bad person, because I already knew that I wouldn't want to come back together with her after the abortion.)

So I took her to the clinic in Sukhumvit Soi 12 on Friday morning. I'm not going in with her, because we both think they won't let her have the abortion if they see that she has a farang boyfriend. She comes back to my place Friday evening. She said after some discussion with the clinic, she finally got the abortion. <Please note that the Western partners of ladies going to that clinic most definitely can, and are even encouraged to go in. BTW, to those who don't know, that clinic has a VERY good reputationStick>

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I have to say at this point, that I am neither sure whether she was really pregnant in the first place. And if she really was, if she really had the abortion. I am not a doctor, but she had her last period on September 25, and the doctor at the clinic told her the baby was about 5 weeks old. She had some more bleeding the last couple of days, so that's either from the abortion or it's just her usual period, I don't know.

I thought I should give her some time to recover, but on Saturday I was so fed up again with the whole situation that I told her I still want to break up with her and I asked her to leave. This time, she's just crying a bit and then says that she simply won't leave. She says if I kick her out, she will go to the police. I tell her that if police pee-test her, she will be the one having problems. She says I shouldn't be too sure about that.

I really didn't know what to do at this point. I didn't want to force her out, because then she might tell the police I hit her or something. I then tried to talk to the manager of the apartment building, but he says he can't help me because it's my private problem.

I really didn't want to go the police because I worried about the consequences. But in the end: This is my room, so I should have the right to force anybody out of it if I want, right? Well, I finally went to the police station and tried to tell them what I want. My Thai is very limited and their English was even more limited. I called a friend from work to explain to them in Thai what I want. So finally we went to pick her up at the apartment and took her back to the police station. Obviously, she was pretty angry and I didn't understand what she told the police, but in the end, they ask how much I would pay if she leaves. I said I don't have more than 20,000 baht in the bank right now (which is true). She says she wants 1 million. So there's no agreement to be reached. I ask them why I cannot get her out, because it is my apartment, not hers or ours. They say they can't do anything (or maybe don't want to?). They say we should talk to the owner of the apartment on Monday. They say she may stay in the apartment until then and I have to sleep somewhere else. (I think "WTF? That's MY apartment.") So I'm on my way to a hotel when she calls me and says we should talk about it again. I say I'll just come to pick up some stuff and then sleep in the hotel.

I arrive at the apartment and want to pick up some of my stuff. (At this point, I am really worried that she will break all of my stuff, but since I can't take it all, I just want to take the most valuable or most important of my stuff.) She says we must talk and if I leave now, there would be more problems. I don't want to stay with her because I feel it will get worse if I do. She starts to threaten me with a knife. I am scared and tell her to put away the knife, then we can talk. (I just want to calm her down and then leave as quickly as possible.) So we talk a bit and after drinking some water, I start to feel really calm and the situation seems to relax. She then tells me that if she calls the police now, I would have big problems. Why? Because she put ice (meth, I guess?) into the water, of which I already drank about a litre. At first I think she's kidding but then I start to feel really high. So what can I do ? We talk and I am so relaxed that it really seems ok to stay with her and we have a really good conversation (best in weeks). We agree to try it one more time. But although I'm high on meth, I still know I don't want that and just agree to win some time – because there's no way I can get involved with the police right now – if they test me positive on drugs, I will go to jail and lose my job.

So here I am now, back in the office today. She went to see her family upcountry. I am still afraid that she might have hidden some more drugs somewhere in the apartment and tell the police. Although she seems to really want to "save" (force?) the relationship, she might use that as a threat against me at any time.

So what can I do? I have drugs in my system, so I can't go to the police, right? I might just take all her stuff and get it out of the apartment while she's upcountry. But she still has a key and the apartment manager won't help me. Maybe I could change the lock at my door ? But then she might go back to the police and let them pee-test me. She also threatened to come to my office and tell everybody what happened, especially the abortion part I am pretty ashamed of. I don't want people at the office to know about it and I'm worried I might lose my job. I could just move out of the apartment (and lose my deposit, ouch!) but then she could still find me at work.

I really don't see any feasible options right now, so I desperately need some advice. I thought about contacting a lawyer on this, but since I am also working in the legal business, I am afraid the word might get around somehow and I don't want people to know.

If you have any advice on how to deal with this ugly situation, PLEASE let me know.

Stickman's thoughts:

What a mess! This is, sadly, a classic example of why it is prudent to wait move a lady in with you in Thailand unless you are really sure that the two of you have a long future together.

I think the first thing to do is to acknowledge that this woman is pure evil. You need to get her out of your life. She has pulled a knife on you. She is a drug user. She has made threats that could cause you to end up in jail. The situation is not recoverable.

The second thing to acknowledge is that if you do have drugs in your system, it complicates things.

There are a few possible approaches, the first of which would be to try and reason with her. It seems you have tried this and it has not worked as she counters with crying, and then threats. Reasoning with her would not appear to be possible.

The second possible approach is the assistance of a third party. That could be anyone from a Thai friend, Thai colleague or even the building manager / owner. However, before you go down that road, I wonder if you can somehow get drug-tested. If you can and it turns out that you don't have drugs in your system, then you could consider fighting this lady through legal means, perhaps getting a lawyer to force her out or perhaps just locking her out. I would consider moving because I imagine she will become a big pain in the ass and keep returning – and it seems the building will not help in this regard. The problem I see here, however, is that you have a respectable job and if it comes out that you are or have been involved with a drug-user, and you may have impregnated her and forced her to have an abortion (and that is the slant she will put on it), then that may not go down well in the legal industry and you might have issues at work.

It's disappointing that the apartment building owner has not been more helpful and that the police have not been willing to get involved, but then it's ultimately a domestic situation. Unless you actually file a complaint that could result in criminal charges there's nothing much they will do. And if you do file a complaint that she pulled a knife on you and threatened to you kill you, or that she was using drugs, she will likely seek revenge. Thais hate to lose and drug-using Thai women involved with professional foreign men have almost nothing to lose and everything to gain. Like you say, who knows if she has drugs hidden in your place. This is a very dangerous situation and the next step could see you facing drugs charges.

At this point I'd say that it would be a good idea to change the locks on the condo and clear everything out. Take everything out, remove all panels, check in the toilet, all around and even in the furniture, basically check everywhere for hidden drugs. Get friends in to help as they might find hiding places you had not considered. If she makes a complaint that you have drugs hidden in your apartment and cops find something then the whole situation will spiral out of control.

If it turns out that you do have drugs in your system, the only option might be to leave the country for a while. Perhaps fake it at work and say that your mother has been involved in an accident and has life-threatening injuries and you have to rush back to your homeland. Far from an ideal situation I know, but you might be able to return a few months later to that workplace after which time there will be no drugs in your system and hopefully your crazy girlfriend has moved on. Of course there is the worry that she might go to your workplace after you do disappear and who knows what havoc she might cause there.

I wish I had more practical advice but the truth is that I don't. The possibility that you have drugs in your system makes things so much more difficult. Ultimately – and I hate to say it – this story is the classic example of why one should not move in a Thai lady unless they are totally sure of her and where things are going.

I can but wish you luck. Do let us know what happens.

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