Deviant Thailand And Loving Chiang Mai
I'm about as heterosexual as you can get.
I just love the opposite sex. And since I'm a man, I hope it's not too far of a stretch to say that I'm 'coo coo for cocoa puffs' crazy about women. I have nothing against gay men, lesbians, transgenders, transsexuals, ladyboys on the waiting list, or couples who try to have sex on a flying trapeze while covered in hot oil. (Just make sure for that one, you have a net, or a good life insurance policy). I say, whatever floats your cruise ship.
And although you can probably tell by now that I'm pretty tolerant of other people's sexual proclivities — I draw the line at sex with farm animals, the one exception being goats. And since I know I'm not alone on that one, if Stickman decides to publish this article, and before he does, I'm going out to buy all the goat futures options I can get my hands on. (Figuratively not literally).
Getting back to my initial point, (which by now I've totally lost track of, and I'm sure most of you feel like you're in the middle of the Pacific Ocean on the Kon Tiki raft), WHAT THE HELL DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH THAILAND? Well good readers of Stickmanbangkok.com, I'm coming to that. Sorry for the sexual connotation. Let me put it another way, I'm trying to get my genetalia around it! (Oops, there I go again). Simply, I'm just trying to grasp the situation at hand, (Whew, glad that's over with) … and master it.
In order to fully describe the freaky and perverted sexual act that I recently experienced in Thailand, I felt it best to do a little research on the subject, as it could affect in the long run my overall sexual well-being. Not that that would interest anyone except my 3 ex-wives, who would I'm sure, love to see me castrated. And as far as I know, castration has an affect on your sexual well-being, be it negative… I think.
For my research, in the same vein as the Kinsey Institute and Masters and Johnson— I turned to the internet. And what I found was so outside the boundaries of my imagination, I felt like I lived my entire life as a virgin. Hell, I lost my virginity so long ago, not only did they not have the internet, they didn't have cross-dressing goat costumes. Trust me on that one. (I'm tempted to stop writing right now, and run over to the commodities market to buy you-know-what).
WARNING, WARNING, WARNING!!!
For those of you who are a little squeamish about sex, (which covers in my opinion about 99% of the population, or 1% of all you Stickmanbangkok.com followers), I warn you to read the following list with caution. This list is not for children, not for the elderly, and not for people who can read. That leaves middle-age illiterates with dyslexia.
OK, read on at your own peril.
The following list is a list of 10 incredibly bizarre sexual practices that humans engage in. Real human beings. Go figure.
1. Agalmatophplia is so bizarre, SPELL CHECK doesn't even have it listed in their data base. It concerns having a sexual attraction to a statue, doll, mannequin or other similar figurative objects. Which may include the desire for actual sexual contact with the objects, fantasies with the objects, or just watching encounters between the objects.
I guess all those billions of little girls who bought Barbie Dolls didn't know they were Agalmatophics. (Don't look for that one on SPELL CHECK either, I just made it up.)
2. Nyotaimori often referred to as "body sushi", is the practice of eating sushi or sashimi from the body of a woman, preferably naked. (I tried it once with a woman fully clothed, and it didn't have the same affect. Not my fault she was wearing 14th century body armour from the Crusades and the sushi tasted like cold steel).
Will someone please tell me why all my emails to McDonald's Corporation suggesting this new menu option haven't been answered.
3. Ponyplay is a form of bondage that involves a "pony" and a rider. The "pony" is often outfitted with straps, a leather saddle, blinders, reins, and a bit in the mouth. The rider, often sometimes utilizing either a riding crop or a whip, either gets pulled in a cart or rides the "pony" directly. The principal theme of animal role play is usually the voluntary or involuntary reduction (or transformation) of a human being to animal status.
God forbid there's a racetrack somewhere in the world called "Deviant Downs", where 'Rosie the Bedwetter' beats out 'Trailerpark Gal' by a nose. Probably create more bookies than the Superbowl.
4. Cannibal Fantasies are deviant practices where someone might paint a woman's nude body with dotted lines to represent cuts of meat, or a woman could be trussed up in pans filled with vegetables and stuffed with apples and carrots in every possible orifice. Basically erotic feeding, messy fun, and bondage involving food.
I wonder if I have cannibal fantasies when I watch a woman stirring her drink with a celery stick.
5. Pseudonecrophilia is when one partner remains quiet and still while the other has sex with him/her.
SHXT! All my ex-wives had this condition and I just thought they had headaches!
6. Salirophilia is a sexual fetish that involves deriving erotic pleasure from soiling or disheveling the object of one's desire, usually an attractive person.
This is the first time in my life I'm glad I'm not an attractive person.
7. Mummification (Hell, SPELL CHECK has this one!) is a BDSM bondage practice involves restraining a living person's body in a non damaging way by wrapping it head to toe, or neck to toe (Like there's a difference?) in materials like saran wrap, clingfilm, cloth, bandages, rubber strips, duct tape, plaster bandages, body bags, or straight jackets. (They forgot to add porcupine pelts soaked in embalming fluid for preservation). The end result is a person completely immobilized and looking like an Egyptian mummy. (Or one sick puppy).
8. Autopederasty is the 'near impossible act' of sticking one's own fully erect penis into one's own rectum.
I just gave myself a self-motivated, self-inflicted and self-induced TIME OUT!!, and I'm sitting in the corner. Will someone please tell me why they define this as the bloody 'near impossible act'?
There is a video out called "GO FXXK YOURSELF" which is devoted to the act, and even going so far as to instruct people on how to do it. I wonder who the genius was who came up with the title.
9. Emetophilia also known as erotic vomiting, is pretty much self-explanatory.
And you thought that trying to stick an erect penis up your own rectum was as deviant as one could get. Well, at least I did.
And thank Holy God mother of Mary, Joseph, and the other one I forgot, the last one is:
10. Teratophilia is the sexual attraction to deformed or monstrous people.
I guess those must be people who have fantasies about having sex with Quasimodo, The Wolfman, Dracula, or Frankenstein. If you liked having sex with all four monsters at the same time you would be a Quadroteratophiliac.
I once made love to a nymphomaniac with a hair lip. I wonder if that counts?
Now the deviant sexual act that I encountered might seem pale compared to these 10 gently put "FXXKED UP" scenarios, but when it happened to me, it felt just as sick and degrading.
I was in Chiang Mai in a shopping mall, just coming out of the men's restroom, when a Thai man 30 to 40 years old approached me and groped my penis with one of his hands as I walked out. I suddenly burst into a litany of New York-cabbie-dialects similar to one with incurable turrets syndrome, and plainly just freaked out. I've never been groped by anyone before. Sadly, not even by a woman. The guy had a really weird look about him, like he was mentally retarded, and he smiled at me. I did my best Bruce Lee interpretation, and swatted his hand away as fast as my rabbinical kung fu training could muster. And I guess that I was lucky not to spot a Thai policeman, because I could just imagine me trying to tell that poor policeman what happened with my limited use of the Thai language. I probably would have been locked up for life. And with my luck, met the same guy in prison.
Of course, I still love Chiang Mai, but in a normal deviant way.