There Is A Way II
First of all, excuse my poor English as I am a Belgian guy (French / Dutch).
This is a response to Anonymous and Nanook. First of all, I agree completely with Nanook on what he writes but on one point and an important point it is, I don't think it is a good idea for Anonymous to have an open discussion with his wife. When this discussion happens it will be the definitely sign that it's finished with no more hope.
Have I experience? I am 65 now, 2 times married for 18 years each time, no complaints on my ex's or any western women, and my ex-second wife is now my best friend (in 10 days I will even go to holiday with her). At the cafe or at her parent's house they joke sometime with «When do you marry? » I will not, that chapter is closed. But more important, I will always be a "women lover" not a "women user" as I read in so much submissions.
So my advice to Anonymous:
First, your age is of no concern, an age-gap of 21 is maybe the limit but she has accepted this and 50 – 70 is still possible. You must focus on her concern, not yours.
If you like your woman well-groomed, attractive and so on, I can presume you do the same for her. If a man likes to see the flat belly of his partner, I presume he offers the same vision to her? Same with smoking, drinking etc. Why would a woman need to accept more than his man?
Men want love and women too! Yes, but for men often love is always not far from sex and for women love is always near romance..(Ok there are exceptions, of course…) My father always told me, "The way to the bed passes through the heart of a woman" and if, with time, passion decreases and slows down and indifference increases, I think that you can always put a little flame under the boiler again, but the boiler's name is ROMANCE, not sex – for most sex is a natural by-product of love! (Guys, this women is not the kind Phet talks about, I know you will never want to recoup some women described by Phet, me too…).
If I speak of the lambda women, first they have a lot of more emotional intelligence than we. They are more sensible, and in the domain of intimate relations they are cleverer than we (why public relations staff generally are women?). So I am quite sure, Anonymous, when you discovered the decline in your relationship she had done the months before you. When you asked for help now she is probably already afraid of the dreaded final conversation. And my advice is don’t do it! The heart of a woman doesn’t want logical conversation. That's for men and you don’t want to conquer a men! Woman follow what she feels, not what she hears (She will only become logical before the judge!).
Of course, if you want to save your marriage, if that's what you want, forget the other woman and quickly because it will render your decision more difficult.
Now it's time to re-seduce your woman. Ok, don't come with your big feet. Do it by hints, subtlety (yes, I know, very difficult because we are men!) otherwise she will see you coming 2 miles away (don’t do the stupid knee on the ground, the big present as that’s for morons… you don’t need to prove your are a real man, she knows that of course). Simply often ask her gently how she feels, show how you care for her. You have strong shoulders, yes, but can she still can count on them? Today she is not so sure, to say the least. Do many very light subtle steps as she is asking for reassurance, and she knows better than you that there has been a nasty burning smell around for months… Don't forget all the process is dynamic between you and her, feeling less love so the bed began to cool down with less sex and you showed less interest or tenderness to her, a loop with constant wrong feedback…like you are in a whirlpool.
Suppose finally you come back from a little restaurant and the mood was perfect, and you see that in her eyes, please realize now that she has enough for the night. You gave love and romance she doesn't want the bed probably! Don’t do it, don't give her the possibility to suddenly realize that you are doing it all for a good shag! If she finally asks for more intimacy, don't try to perform, don't thing about your nether regions, and focus only on her eyes, her smile and the words you say to her. If you enter in the heart of a woman, well, all the rest follows so easily…
All my life I knew what I wanted, it's my force, now Anonymous it's your turn, accept what she is, what she is not, qualities and defaults, you can easily save your marriage, you are a really good man, responsible – it's so apparent in your writing. But if you take the other way, well, Nanook has already given a lot of good counsel if you decide not to keep her.
Make your choice now, Anonymous, and realize YOU are the master of the game!
I am sure the only person focusing on your age gap is you and it's a little venom in your relationship so get rid of it; get it out of your head.
For Phet, yes, sometimes I go to my ex with some tools to help her, just because she is a very good and honest western woman, like she provides a taxi service to the airport for me when I come and go from Thailand like in 52 hours, 34 minutes and 10 seconds from now! (This time for 6 months). Phuket here I come!
My mother has always warned me “Son, the first 5 years of a marriage are the worst. After that it doesn’t improve, but you have the habit now… “