Stickman Readers' Submissions September 9th, 2014

First Time Bangkok Dangerous

After checking into the Majestic Suites on Sukhumvit, I hurriedly unpack my suitcase so I can hit the streets. I had read that the Nana Hotel parking lot is where the freelance hookers hang out. Leaving my hotel, I walk about 30 yards to the traffic light at Soi 4, and step into the brave new world of Nana.

It’s 10 p.m. on a Tuesday night and the street action is pumping. It’s mind boggling to see all the chicks and guys and taxis and beggars and noise and peddlers.

He Clinic Bangkok

I unwind with my first beer at the open-air bar fronting the Nana hotel. From my barstool, I have a clear view of the parking lot, where I can see a handful of hookers standing around. Yes, indeed! But, none are super hot looking. What’s the rush, anyway? I want to just soak it all in for a bit.

I’m in a semi-daze, exhausted from the long overnight flight from my hometown of Honolulu. Even bustling Waikiki, with its hordes of sterile sunburned tourists, seems so tired and stale next to Nana’s boisterous street energy. It’s almost sensory overload. But I like it.

Yeah, Waikiki has its strolling hookers who come out late at night — big blondes, brunettes, and black chicks who fly in from the mainland U.S.A. But because of all the damn Japanese tourists who all madly love Hawaii, “short-time” with a Waikiki hooker begins at $300.

CBD bangkok

So what’s an aging Asian American Hawaiian loner to do, if he is not well-to-do? True, there are sex massage parlors in Honolulu that are 90 percent staffed by Koreans. But it still costs a budget-breaking $200 for a “full-service” massage. You might possibly get a $100 hand job massage if you search a bit. As for Honolulu’s hostess bars, basically disguised robbery dens, let’s not even go there.

And so, at age 59, still stubbornly single and childless, it had to inevitably come to this: to finally admit defeat and become the dreaded stereotype: the creepy old pervert sex tourist loser in Thailand. It took nearly a lifetime, but I’m now ready to embrace my destiny.

I nurse my beer in wondrous quiet pleasure, knowing I will get laid tonight, no matter what. What a marvelous feeling to know that sex is a sure thing, unlike back home, where misfit loners who lack “game” do not score in typical bars and nightclubs. But I still haven’t spotted any Nana female who quite turns me on, the one that instantly pushes the fantasy button.

Finally I see a very sexy, slim Thai girl try to hail a taxi while standing at the Nana parking lot entrance. She’s slightly staggering, as if high or very drunk. She says something to the driver through the open window, and tries to open the cab door. But the driver abruptly pulls away, and leaves her swaying unsteadily on her feet.

wonderland clinic

That's the one!

I hurriedly drain my beer and walk to her. After only a brief exchange, no problem, we agree to go to my hotel. My first Thailand hooker! She’s gorgeous, sexy, and better yet, wasted too!

She appears to be in her early 20s, a little taller than me, about 5 feet, 7 inches, perhaps. Her tight jeans are hugging her long slim legs. She’s wearing a clinging, striped blue-and-white top that is low-cut to showcase her curvy round breasts. Her skin is very pale, creamy and smooth. Her very pretty face is almost doll-like, with a small nose and thin lips.

She has soft, high pitched voice. Sometimes she speaks so softly, I have to lean close to her face to hear what she is saying. I can't make out her name exactly. It sounds like "Pat," but she’s mostly speaking Thai and only knows a few English phrases. Communication is a real problem.

But then the real problems begin as we start walking toward my hotel. She's definitely high on something, and very unsteady on her feet. I have to hold her upright as we stumble along. My urgent goal now is to get us to my room without incident – and then anything goes!

I feel a sting of shame as the people we pass on the sidewalk gaze at us curiously. I’m inwardly cringing in humiliation at being publicly exposed and silently judged. They all must be thinking: look at this perverted old skinny tourist bastard taking advantage of the wasted young whore.

“Sir, you need a ride?” I hesitate briefly as the "tuk tuk" pulls up alongside. Then we quickly get in, even though I knew my hotel must be close. I just wanted to get Pat off her feet, fearing she might pass out anytime without warning.

But then the damn driver goes zooming off away from Nana and my hotel. I’m totally confused, since it's dark and I just arrived in this monstrously huge city. I have no idea where we are, but after nearly 10 minutes of driving, I know we should have arrived at my hotel a long time ago. Shit, I quickly realize I’m getting ripped off in the infamous "tuk-tuk" scam, where the driver either pretends to know, or really does not know your destination.

The tuk-tuk enters a parking lot, and I start protesting. But the driver assures me he is just turning around. But to exit, we have to pass a toll shack where several young Thais are hanging out. It will cost me 20 baht to exit. The amount is so low I don't care about his little scam.

Damn, just get me to my room with this gorgeous wasted Thai hooker! Meanwhile, “Pat” is nuzzling against me, occasionally kissing my neck or cheek, or else nodding off on my shoulder, oblivious to everything around her.

I start complaining louder as the tuk-tuk driver keeps driving around. He stops next to two security guards at a hotel and shows them my hotel name, "Majestic Suites" written on a business card. The guards are puzzled and do not know where the hotel is either. Then later Mr. Tuk-Tuk stops again on the street, to ask a pedestrian on the sidewalk, who is equally puzzled.

By now twenty minutes have elapsed, and I'm talking very loudly and angrily at the driver. My Thai hooker gently whispers "shhhhh" in my ear. I then realize I need to be very careful. I have read that Thais are easily insulted, and it is very rude to shout or yell in public at anyone. If you act like an arrogant tourist asshole, you might get beaten up by a hustling Thai and his friends, as well as get ripped off. But I'm fed up, so I tell him to stop, and we just get out of the tuk-tuk. I pay him the 100 baht he asks for, just to get rid of this scammer.

So there we are, stranded and lost in the middle of Bangkok. My wasted Thai hooker is so high she is barely conscious. It seems I can't depend on any honest driver to take me back. So what now? How did I ever get into this terrible mess?

Finally, in desperation I hail a passing cab, and tell the driver to just take us to the Nana area. This time I’m getting my bearings somewhat, and after a 10 minute ride, we are in the Nana area and I miraculously spot my hotel. Thank God.

But then the second bummer.

According to my internet research, the Majestic Suites hotel is supposed to be "guest friendly" and allow hookers in your room. But as we stumble through the front glass doors, the security guard and the hotel clerk are staring at us.

The female clerk then says, "Sorry, sir, overnight guests not allowed."

"Hah? What the . . . !" I'm shocked, but feel too ashamed to protest. The pervert old tourist bastard got busted!

"OK, OK," I mumble, as we quickly escape out the door and onto Sukhumvit again.

Now what the hell do we do? I suggest the Nana hotel to Pat. I am desperate enough to pay the overnight rate for another room there. But she says no, and I don't know why. We then cross Sukhumvit and sit on the sidewalk curb on Soi 3, and then proceed to have a very strange conversation, in which I mostly don't understand what Pat is saying. She then pulls out about $20 worth of baht bills, and after much confusion and her increasing irritation, I realize she wants to exchange her baht for my U.S. dollars. I have no idea why.

Then finally, we end up going to a "short time" hotel across the street, which has rooms for 300 baht. The room is in a shabby old wooden building, like in Chinatown in Honolulu. A young Thai lady behind the small wooden counter takes my cash, and a young guy leads us to the room on the second floor.

After we enter, I close and lock the door. Finally, alone at last!

Here I am, with my incredibly sexy and wasted young Thai fuck doll! No one is watching us – she can pass out on the bed right now, who cares? And I can do whatever I like to her!

Then, the third bummer.

Pat starts demanding that I give her 2,000 baht right now, which I know from my research is almost double the free-lancer rate. I've read that usually you pay the freelancer after sex, not before, because sometimes whores will split with your money while you are taking a shower.

Pat also refuses to take off her clothes. As we keep arguing, I start wondering — maybe Pat is resisting getting naked because she’s a ladyboy. At this point, I'm feeling so fatigued and confused and disillusioned, I don't care anymore.

I then have a disturbing revelation. Even if Pat is a ladyboy, I think I would be willing to do it with her anyway (at least just let her/him suck me off) — because Pat is just so damn cute, even when arguing with me in her baby-like voice.

Ho! Talk about Bangkok Dangerous — turning me into a homo on my first night!

Thankfully, it turns out that Pat was not a ladyboy, and I didn't cross over to "the other side." After I decide it’s easier to just give in, I give Pat the 2,000 baht, and she does eventually strip. I am glad to see Pat is indeed a she. We have sex, but I have trouble staying hard due to my extreme fatigue and all the unneeded stress. It is a regrettably short session — ending not with a bang but a whimper.

Then, after we finish, the fourth bummer.

Pat demands $2,000 more baht, saying I still did not pay her. I loudly argue with her. She keeps insisting I didn't pay her yet. I loudly repeat over and over for her to look in her purse, but she keeps ignoring me.

"I call police," she says in a slurred voice, swaying slightly on her feet.

This is laughable, since I know prostitution is technically illegal in Thailand. I’m sitting on the bed, looking up at her.

"Go ahead, call the police," I say.

I know full well she's bluffing. What is she going to tell the police, that she did something illegal, but the reason she called them is because she failed to extort more money from me? I don't really care at this point. Finally, just to shut her up and escape, I give her 1,000 baht more. Pat seems satisfied with that, so I leave. At the doorway, I glance back and see her rummaging through her purse.

As I’m walking out, relieved that my ordeal is over, the hotel clerk asks if I'm OK. She is concerned whether I had checked my cash to make sure nothing is missing. I assure her I'm OK. I'm not some naive, ignorant tourist. I made sure my wallet was always in my sight in our room. I realized that even though Pat was very high on drugs and literally staggering around, inside she knew exactly what she was doing when trying to scam me for more cash.

The next morning after I exit the Majestic, I note that the hotel is less than a 1-minute walk from where the tuk-tuk picked us up last night. I also talk to the Majestic hotel clerk, and she verifies that the hotel is indeed “guest friendly.” But my wasted, hustling hooker Pat had already given them problems twice, so they knew all about her.

I later had to laugh at myself for my classic rookie blunders: taking risky chances on a free-lancer, and getting scammed by a "tuk tuk" driver. And that was only my first night in Bangkok.

Author’s note: the events described took place in December, 2011.

nana plaza