Readers' Submissions

I Know Her By Heart

  • Written by Ishiro
  • July 11th, 2014
  • 9 min read



Take a few moments to think about why you first came to Thailand. Was it really the easy availability of sex at unheard-of prices, compared to prices back in the place from where you came – or was there some other reason (apart from a job) that brought you to Thailand? I do hear about some alleged dodgy schemes that are hatched that involve matters of "boiler-room" practices – but we don't even want to think about anything along those lines. Of course, some will vigorously deny (as I would have) that there was any possible reason other than the sex – or, perhaps, the booze. It's naturally more comfortable not to go down those sois. I know – you were really looking for true love in Biergarten. I understand perfectly now.

But seriously, I believe that men have a hidden need to find a partner for deeper reasons than just the sex act. It is part of our genetic make-up – but not exclusively for the purpose of procreation. I believe there is a deeper psychological need that we crave. The following words were written by Paul Williams and Jon Vezner – and I think that, macho expressions aside, if many of us are honest, we will empathize with these words:

There's a secret path I follow, to a place no one can find
Where I meet my perfect someone I've kept hidden in my mind
Where my heart makes my decisions, 'till my dream becomes a vision
And the love I feel makes her real – someday

'Cause I know she's out there somewhere, just beyond my reach
Though I've never really touched her or ever heard her speak
Though we've never been together – we've never been apart
No we've never met – haven't found her yet
But I know her by heart

Am I living an illusion, wanting something I can't see?
If I compromise, I'd be living lies, pretending love's not meant to be
'Cause I know my heart's worth saving – and I know that she'll be waiting
So I'll hold on – and I'll stay strong – 'till then

'Cause I know she's out there somewhere, just beyond my reach
Though I've never really touched her or ever heard her speak
Though we've never been together – we've never been apart
No we've never met – haven't found her yet
But I know her by heart

Do you remember the number of times when you have thought you had found "my perfect someone" back in Farangland – only to find it really wasn't her at all. I remember that – and I also remember looking for her in Thailand. Once again, I thought I had found "my perfect someone" – but I was mistaken. But, you know something? I had never given up looking for "my perfect someone" – and I don't believe you have ever given up, either. My problem is that I know where she is.

We are brought up on Fairy-Tales as kids and believe in them until, at some point in life, we reject them because we have become adult enough to know that they cannot possibly be true according to life, as we are told it really is for us. We no longer believe in Santa Claus or The Easter Bunny as adults – but we play the game so that our kids can have that joy. At what stage do they stop believing? Is it because of the harsh reality of life that they see unfolding around them – and then they gradually learn to become skeptics and cynical? Maybe it's because they see the behaviour of their own parents. I know my son and my daughter (from my first marriage) will never marry – and I believe it is because they do not want to risk the same thing happening to them as happened to my first wife and I (their parents).

The "reality" that we have created as adults has become our own prison because we no longer have the ability to project our dreams outside the bars of that prison – and that is a terrible shame. In Thailand, it seems easier to do that because we tend to throw off the inhibitions that chained us to conformity back in The West. Just the Thai attitude of "mai-bpen-rai" gives us the key to try to be like them if we are only brave enough to do so. I admire the Thai attitude to life – so, they believe in ghosts – who am I to say they do not exist? We do know of the existence of a space/time continuum but there is no evidence to contradict a situation where there may be weaknesses that enable matter from another reality to break through into our reality. It may not be something solid that can break through – maybe just a projection.

History has shown us that we can usually create almost anything that we can imagine – particularly since the emergence of technology and our higher understanding of physics and artificial intelligence. Why is it not possible to create any dream we wish? We can clone life forms, we can print human body parts by computer to be used in surgical replacements – it seems as though nothing is impossible.

I wonder if we have made life too complicated. Would it be better if we went back to the land of Fairy-Tales? A friend of mine once called me Peter Pan – always looking for Wendy – and I do believe that there are very many Peter Pans out there trying to find their Wendy. The problem arises in Thailand because many of the Peter Pans are growing older – or are already old and can no longer fly – but our Wendys in Thailand are always young. It's OK for the younger guys – but, even their time will run out eventually. What we all need is Tinkerbell – the tiny Fairy who makes things happen.

Grandparents who have grandchildren from their own kids can easily go back to being kids again – and I think it keeps a lot of them young in heart. It's strange, but I have never spent much time with kids – even my own – not until they became adults, because of my work. I always placed my work as a first priority and, eventually, forgot what being a kid was like. Even as a kid, I didn't have much time for kids – most of my time was spent with adults and I couldn't wait for the time to start work. It wasn't the money – it was more about rejecting the juvenile habits and annoying things that kids get up to. It's only as I got older that I noticed the things I had been missing.

Remember the song by John Denver – "Poems, Prayers And Promises"? There was a line that went "… Days, they pass so quickly now – nights are seldom long – time around me whispers when it's cold …". That really is what it feels like now. Strangely, I do not feel like that in Thailand – only in Farangland.

Like in my past sub <Honesty – Ishiro 27/06/2014> where that big guy, Harry, was worried about his coming marriage to Angela being the right thing to do – and the answer his young friend gave was that "You know, Harry, sometimes the right person only comes along once in this life … ". I truly believe that. Finding that one special person that we were supposed to meet is dependent on the actions we take up to that point in our lives. Without a doubt, this is the most important factor in our life – making the correct choice. That only comes about by giving oneself enough time to really know prospective partners without jumping in the deep end with sex clouding the issue. That has been my undoing so many times and it has affected so many people in negative ways that I always regret.

This line from above – "… 'Cause I know she's out there somewhere, just beyond my reach … " was something I definitely knew in the mid-90s and it was this that probably drew me to Thailand – because I sure as hell did not find her in Oz, UK or US. I went to Thailand looking for that special person to be with always. I made a big mistake again in marrying the wrong person when I married Natalise. She is a good person – but we were not the right people to be together. I loved Natalise – and still do – but it is a different kind of love. Sometimes I think it was like the old Chinese belief that "If you rescue someone, then they become your responsibility for life". I think it had origins in the old Shaolin teachings. People had badgered me to go to Chiang Mai when I was alone in Bangkok before I met Natalise – but I ignored them. Now I know that these following lines are so true:

"Though we've never been together – we've never been apart
No we've never met – haven't found her yet
But I know her by heart"

That was absolutely true up until December 2004 – when we met.

If only I had listened to those lines in my head. I knew them very well but got lost in the "maya" (deceptive illusion) of Bangkok.

It was Lee that I should have met first – it was her all along the way. No question in my mind now about that – but I won't dwell on that any more because I believe that these opportunities are only available when particular "windows in time" are open and we are astute enough to realize that is so at that particular juncture. We took it as far as we could at that particular time – but the bond with her is so very strong, still. Anyhow, I'm too old and clapped-out now to offer anything. Knowing I shall very-likely not escape Samsara, perhaps we may be given another chance in the next life. Perhaps she will escape and attain Nirvana – she is a better person than I was. I hope that happens for her.

All I know is that we have no control over whatever happens after we leave this interface – it is in the hands of much wiser entities.