Stickman Readers' Submissions June 12th, 2014

Thai Girlfriend Nightmare Situation Follow Up

Hi everyone,

I've had reservations about submitting another piece as to how personal the subject is to myself. This is no less than everything that's important in my life in a submission…

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I'd like to thank everyone that offered positive / supportive feedback last time. Most of the negative comments / opinions were largely to do with information / details not submitted by myself. Having got to the bottom of the whole situation I can be more clear and offer a better picture.

First, I will summarize my situation. I'm 29 and live in Thailand, Pattaya. I met my girlfriend late last year. Everything was perfect until we found out about her being pregnant at the end of February. I was happy but that's when the problems began.

2 things to note. One she had started taking birth control shortly after we both started having sex. Mutually agreed. And soon into the relationship we both had STI checks so from that point of view we were trying to be safe.

When we found out she was pregnant, we took 2 pregnancy tests which were both positive. We went to a clinic the same night, had another which confirmed. Scans later on in the pregnancy have been 100% confirmed the baby is mine from all the possible dates our baby could have been conceived. There's no possibility it could have been anyone else's as she was always with me. Everyday, 24/7 to be clear.

I have taken care of my girlfriend of course as she has come to live with me and is carrying my child. We have been very happy together, but the reality of the situation is there were more things going on I did not fully know about. My girlfriend has had to deal with a lot.

When she next returned home at the start of March, her mum tried to force her to break up with me. I went from Pattaya to Hua Hin to get her back. I have never seen first hand just how strong family bonds are in Thailand. Even if they are completely in the wrong, disobeying mother is very hard for my girlfriend to do.

The reason for her wanting us to split was said to be I was just not rich enough and the mother had accepted a large amount of money for my girl to marry. This was not true. This would have actually been much better than what the truth actually is…

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My girl and I continued to have many issues from the mother. This led to problems between us. At times my girl just could not take it. I will add, she is a great girl. She is now 21, pregnant, being constantly dictated to by the mother and it is hard for her. She does not deserve it.

Near the end of April everything was great between us but these problems pushed her to run away. She first went to stay in Bangkok with her grandparents but after one night went back to Hua Hin. She was not allowed to talk to me or come back to me, but like the previous occasion she started talking with me again and I went there again to get her back.

I know many will be skeptical, but situations like this is when you find out what somebody really wants. She did not need to come back to me. But she did, and her mother was very unhappy about this. For these times and the way she is with me. I know she loves me and wants to be with me.

I wanted to meet the mother at this time. It nearly happened but she insisted she 'was not ready'. Ok…

There had since been a lot less problems. Her mum seemed to quieten down, but it was still happening. The constant orders to finish with me. When I finally found out that it was still the same she ran away to Bangkok early June to be alone without saying a word, away from all the issues. She went back to Hua Hin after about 5 days. During this time we were unable to stay away from each other any longer and 2 days later I returned to Hua Hin.

This was when I was to meet her mother.

When I arrived after 6 hours of travelling, her mother would not allow her to meet me and pick me up in her car. Yet another problem. Finally after about 1 hour she picked me up. I don't completely blame my girlfriend. It is very hard for her to be in the middle of this. This is one of many many stupid problems that didn't need to happen.

She hates me so much was always the thinking.

First night of those 2 nights in Hua Hin was great. We were just so pleased to be together. It had been about 1 week apart.

Second night, I met the mother…

She wanted to meet at our hotel. She came in, sat down, it was very awkward. Then she came out with it…

My girlfriend is already married.

She has been married since 18 to a Swedish man. Her mum made her do this as my girlfriend's dad died and left them with debts and they had nothing. (That's the story)

I have not seen documentation proving she is married, but she changed her last name 3 years ago to a Swedish name. All her family's land, house, business and cars are in my girlfriend's name. And they do have it quite ok there for a Thai family.

Some of her close friends have confirmed to me they know she was married but thought it was finished.

I have never been allowed at the family home, even though I've been twice since, it was always a problem me going there. We always had to meet somewhere else. I will continue to get more evidence on this but I believe it is true.

This man is said to come here for 2 months a year and she takes care of him.

He has not been here since November 2013. Before I met my girlfriend.

He has given the family a fortune and has saved them financially.

He cannot have kids, but he wants one. Her mum wants my baby to be his. Everyone in her village thinks it is his baby from fertility attempts at hospital. In reality they were failed attempts and it wasn't possible.

All my girlfriend's friends and everyone around us knows it's mine and we are together, but in the village it is a whole different story.

So here's the part where I have been cheated by them both.

The mother made my girlfriend set out to get this man a baby from a farang after failed fertility attempts at hospital. My girlfriend met several guys and I'm the one that it happened with. My girlfriend admitted she had not taken the birth control correctly. My girlfriend is adamant at first yes it was about getting a baby for this man but she does not feel the same anymore and wants us to be a family.

Without going into too much detail she was keen to have sex without a condom and for me to 'finish' inside her after she started taking the pill. All the problems with the mum and her mood swings add up to all this being true.

This man, older than her dad, is no more than a bank account.

But this man saved the family financially and is married to my girlfriend. Her mother is clear in her mind that this will not be my baby. It will be his. I am doing everything in my power and will continue to do so to make sure that does not happen.

I am trying my best and the one positive is that my girlfriend wants the same. I am sure about this. Her mother was crying saying she understands my girlfriend and I love each other. But as most know, money is most important here to the mother. I have said I will not give away my baby. This man's family are apparently very skeptical about the situation. They want DNA testing and everything after the baby is born. He has been informed she is having HIS baby. Obviously this is not true and eventually the truth will come out anyway.

Only my girlfriend has contact with this man. He calls about once a month and she tells him the usual. Obviously that is hard to take.

My girlfriend is over 4 months pregnant and I have been involved since day 1. I believe this started out as a plan to get a baby for this man but my girlfriend actually found something real and couldn't push me away. My mum, my family, my friends, everyone around me and her knows we are having a baby. There is no possibility of me just walking away and facing up to that. Thailand talk about 'face', well I can tell you I would never forgive myself if I didn't do everything in my power to keep my child. I wouldn't even want to go back to England if I had to tell my mother this.

The night before we were to return to Pattaya I told my girlfriend the plan I wanted to happen to keep us together. That was to call this man and tell him the truth that it is not his baby, it is mine. I do not have control about what happens with the marriage, and I'm sure there will be further problems down the line for a long, long time. But I want her to tell him it is finished and we are together and have been for 7 months and want to remain so. I feel she wants the same. And she of course says this to me.

Despite all that they have done to me, I will, for the sake of my daughter alone – never leave her and try to make this work. I will support the family financially if that means I will be able to raise my daughter.

The mother can lie her way out of it in the village for all I care, but as long as this happens, and I keep my family that's all I care about.

I have been a complete mug in this situation. I really don't need to be told.

The deal I'm offering to them is extremely generous after the way I have been treated by them.

The mother has been the driving force behind all of this. I will never forgive her. My girlfriend has also treated me badly, but like I said, if it is a case of having to forgive her to keep my daughter, I will.

Now I am back in Pattaya alone and my girlfriend is in Bangkok. <What is she doing in Bangkok? MASSIVE red flag thatStick>

Just before we were going to leave Hua Hin to go back to Pattaya, her mum started causing problems about the car again. I could see my girlfriend wasn't feeling great and was very stressed, well in between waiting and us going to the shop she had called her cousin to pick her up on his bike. She took off.

I know she went to Bangkok (that was 2 days ago) and she hasn't gone back to Hua Hin yet. But I haven't spoken with her for those 2 days. She has to buy a new phone charger at some point as hers is with me in the suitcase.

The last communication was she was sorry for leaving me like that but she had to stay alone to do some thinking for us. She will do everything for us. She will come back to Pattaya in 5 days – her words.

Hopefully today I will be able to at least speak with her. I'm sure she can't be without her phone all week. And I'm hoping she will come back here in a few days.

It would be a positive to get in touch with her before her mother has chance to further poison her mind against me.

So that is my situation. I haven't lost the big money like some but I think I have never heard of any stories here as bad as this one.

Constructive advice welcome. I am not made of glass but there's no need to tell me the obvious. I know I have been cheated very badly. Also please note, leaving my unborn child to them is not an option for me.


*Update* later in the day of writing. I was able to contact my girlfriend. The situation that she tells me and I believe is true is she wants to be with me, but she cannot because she is married to this guy.

The reasons why she cannot leave him:

* He has helped her family so much.

* She is married to him.

* Everyone in the village knows of this.

* And most importantly this is what her mum is pushing her to do.

She tried to be clear that it's all been decided but when I tried to change her mind and come to Pattaya I felt she was going to. She was very upset. I think there is still a chance. I will at least see her again but obviously I can't be sure. I think the longer it goes on the less chance there is of that happening.

So what can I do? What are my options?

I am continuing to try to get her to come back. Right now, calling, talking to her friends and going back to the family home is all I have.

I do not have this man's contact details or any information on him. Is there a way of finding anything out from the information I have of her?

Would a lawyer be able to help? I do not have any proof the baby is mine only from all messages etc between us.

Is it possible to find out for sure if she is married?

Any help would be extremely appreciated.

Stickman's thoughts:

The nightmare continues insomuch that while you know more now than you did, you still do not know the entire story – and when you don't understand everything, or almost everything – and at the very least all the really important stuff – it makes it so much harder to understand the other parties' perspectives and makes it almost impossible to come up with some sort of workable solution.

Just what is your girlfriend doing in Bangkok now, and who is she with? Alone in Bangkok sounds rather fanciful. I'd say there is plenty there you don't know about and if I had to make an educated guess, I'd suggest there's a man involved. Maybe the Swede is based in Bangkok? Maybe another guy altogether? Who knows?!

This situation is very complicated and there are legal issues, moral issues, emotions of the heart and the usual mix of oddballs all of whom have their own ideas.

With regards to the legal issues, you may face a formidable foe in the Swede if he is the legal husband, has deep pockets and is determined to get his desired outcome. My feeling is that the key is talking with him. He is going to find out sooner or later and I'd contact him sooner rather than later. Cut the mother out of it all together. That's what I would do…

But that does not address the situation of being able to provide support to your girlfriend, the family, the unborn child and let's not forget, the mother. Ultimately it is the Swede who has the ability to be a provider….and that makes him the best choice in the family's eyes. You? They see you as a sperm donor.

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