Stung Like a Jelly Fish

Hello and Sa wat dii kha Mr. Stickman,

Few weeks ago bad farang write to you and say he was stung by a lady working in bar and he want revenge on lady by saying on the internet what she do and who she is so she will get no more customers. This is very unfair and maybe he will make trouble for her, make her loose face and scare regular customers (like my nice man in Liverpool who sends me £100 a month, to live on!)

It not fair he hurt Thai lady while bad farang he go back to his job in Leeds emptying the dustbins or as security guard in Westfield shopping centre. Farangs tell me they are re-cycling executives and have top secret Security job for Mod! don’t know who Mod is! strange name for farang, but when they go to hong nam their friends tell me what job really is… see not only lady in bar not tell truth. Funny they say they have Big job but come to Lo-So bar and want everything cheap? we call them “one, one, one.” It means: 1 drink, 1 thousand baht, 1 to avoid, 555!

I want to tell you many farang bigger liar than any lady or katoey working in Nana Plaza. My job simple I dance, drink with customers, sometimes boom boom. I accept not a job many farang lady would want to do, or would do, yet many farang customer talk about farang lady as “whores” and lady dogs.. if so many whores in Farangland why they come to Bangkok?

So I except my job in bar.. I don’t tell customer I am owner of bar, undercover secret agent on mission or catwalk model slumming it and looking for a bit of rough, you would be very stupid to believe tales of the fairy.

Yet most customer want you to see them as big shots, I just see them as man who not have boom boom since last time they come Thailand and very unhappy about their life at home. Also they sad and drink all the time, some man tell me he drink the same in Farangland and government pay for his beer, he must think I am very ting tong to think I would believe that. Another customer at Christmas was very sad, crying into his bottle of Leo he say this year they cut his ben ee fits? So he can only come and live on Soi 4 for 3 weeks this year.

Now I tell you about farang who sting me like jellyfish.

In 2010 I meet farang he small man but he tha lok and always have big money in a rubber band that he show everybody when he buys drink or pays taxi. He tell me I am “cunny sewer macky” many times and he “Lub me” forever. His name Delek but he tell other farangs to call him Del. He tell me he is roo ay, but he like the ambience and grittiness of Soi 4 and he found the Four Seasons and Grand Erawan pretentious unlike the Omni Towers. He tell me have big import export business in London and penthouse apartment in hi-so area. He have wife and son but they leave long-time ago. I was confused when he told me I was time to “ride the old nag again” then he explains that wants to get married again, to me.

I very happy, that my prayers answered and I find handsome, rich and kind farang to take good care of me. (well two out of three anyway.) He says I go live with him in London and we take good care of each other. I so happy and all my friends tell me I am lucky lady to find jai dee man and his band of money, he tells me in England it called a “wad”! He says he will teach me hi-so English like what he speaks.

The following year I go to London to spend time with my teeluk Deleck, I so happy I want to cry.

Because of problems at his international bank the transfer for my flight did not arrive, so I buy my own ticket, go on Alab airline and many stops until reach London. Deleck say I will get “the dosh” when I arrive Heathrow, I am thinking I would rather have my money back. At Heathrow he SMS me that he is in big meeting and cannot meet me, also his Audi is in garage to repair his international in-car phone system, which is vital to his business.

He tell me to get London MRT system and he will meet me at the station, I am lucky that I have the “20 sovs” he gave me on our last night in McDonalds, I wanted to go to Cabbages & Condoms but Deleck’s nutritionist in Harley Street had him on a beef, bread and ketchup diet? “for me old ticker, darlin’.

I find tunnel train, but when I buy ticket man tell me note is forgery! I am upset and loose much face when man in uniform not let me buy ticket. I try ring Deleck but lady on phone tell me that the Tesco mobile service is suspended on this number. Then I remember I have some farang Euro from tip in bar before I leave, nice Ireland man everybody in bar call Mighty Mick gave me 20 Euro tip. Many times he want me to go to his hotel, but I tell him only sell drink since I meet Deleck.

They let me buy ticket and I follow colours on map to my destination, Deleck tell me it is one of the “premier London locations” but until he send me address on SMS message I never heard of Peckham.

Derek he meet me at station, he had funny car, very small with only 2 seats, it but it was in my favourite colour, yellow. Delecks penthouse was close the station (I could hear the trains all the time) I thought a penthouse was on the top floor, but his was on the 22nd! I then began to think maybe not everything Deleck say was 100% good copy. His penthouse was nit noi and smaller than my apartment in Bang Kapi, also it smell bad.

Deleck explain smell, it was granddad who had had a Ruby Murray for tea. Then I meet Glandad, he very old with beard and a hat I never saw him take off. I ask Deleck why he not mention Glandad before, he tell me he was only staying for short time as the old peoples home would soon take him back “after a misunderstanding” and there was no way they would put his name on the “sex offenders register”. Glandad very old man but very horny, I wai him and then offer took shake hand like farangs, but he say “we family now, give us a hug” he then hug my bum for 3 minutes!

Then I start to see Deleck in new way. After threatening to throw bucket of water over Glandad and calling him a “randy old perv” his next words were “put the kettle on luv and make us a nice cuppa tea”. He talk to me like girl on counter at McDonalds and I begin to see maybe Derek has been telling me, what he calls pokky pies.

I make the tea, kitchen very dirty and sink full of cups and plates, I tell Deleck, he says I can clean them up in the morning.. “Because its nearly bedtime”. It was in fact 7.30 pm. I drink tea and Derek goes to bathroom. Glandad tells me how excited Deleck and himself are to have a woman around the house again “to look after us” he tells me since Delecks wife leave 4 years ago no other woman lived (or cleaned) there.

He then tells me Delecks wife was one of many animals including a cow and a pig, for a moment it was like being back in Big Dogs, also that she had him moved to the old peoples home. He then told me at least at the home he did hear them arguing about the lack of money and sex. I then begin to see what a difference in farang when they in Thailand and when they are home. Deleck wanted what he could not get anywhere, though he believed it was available in Thailand, a live in cleaner and sex slave.

The ultimate fantasy for the under achievers, low educated, low esteemed and just low, someone to control and meet their every desire. The monkey who dreams of being the organ grinder a sad sight made more incredulous that many monkeys believe it their right to elevate without making any effort or self improvements, physically or mentally.

I then realise I must go home because if Thailand is Land of Smiles, England is Land of Lies, if only Deleck had not tried to continue the fantasy and realised that karma usually means you end up with the life you deserve, not the one you dream about.

Derek returns from bathroom, he look very ron and face very red, “time for bed, sweetheart” is all he says before going through to the bedroom, I follow him and Glandad shouts “Try and keep the noise down, I’m going to watch Eastenders.

Derek is lying on the bed wearing just a large gold medallion and his sovereign 39 carat gold ring, I going to be buried in me tom-foolery he once told me. Also he had a big election pointing at the ceiling, it must be the English air because I had never seen his little friend look so happy also he was looking more red, I looked for a wardrobe to hang my clothes but the room was full of boxes marked “Made in Taiwan” & “Fire damaged woks”.

In Thailand Deleck always lomantic when we go to bed, but now all he say is “get yer kit off Girl” “time to climb the greasy pole”. I get undressed and feel very cold, but when I get next to Deleck he is very hot like a fire, also now much water from all over his body. I then try to give him small kisses and say “joop joop, warn jai” like in Bangkok, which he always liked, but now he say “get on with it, I need to get this bloody thing down”. I am now scared as his voice like kettle with whistle, I just touch it with my thumb and forefinger and then he start shaking and wailing like a ghost.

Glandad then starts shouting “keep it down will yer” followed by an empty beer can hitting the door. Delecks last words were “Kinell me knobs cream crackered” then he stopped shaking and more water covered his body. He looked strange as his top row of teeth were protruding and revealed a set of dentures, another secret he had hidden. I screamed and Glandad came in looked at me for a second then at Del lying still, he then looked back at me again for many minutes until I covered myself.

After that everything seemed to go very quickly. Glandad rang Delecks brother Rodney who came to the apartment very quickly. He was very tall and very kind, he had a very nice wife, she was called Cassie. I kept thinking how could they be brothers.

Glandad told Rodney that Deleck had “done himself in” by using some dodgy Ukrainian Viagra he had bought from Polish Peter down the pub. He bought it before he went to Thailand, “but forgot to take it wiv im”. “He was saving it for er coming over” and then looked at me. Glandad said the packet in the bathroom had 3 pills missing “probably trying to make a big impression, then they both had a small laugh, farangs can be very strange! I was very scared because I thought I would be in trouble with police, I wanted to go home. It was decided that I would go before police were called and I would check in to hotel at airport and change my ticket to Bangkok.

Rodney and Cassie very jai dee and gave me £300 and Cassie drove me to hotel near city and said she would come and see me next day. Because I used cheap ticket for flight airline would not change my flight, I had not enough money to pay for new flight. Cassie told me police knew Del boy very well and believed he was experimenting with drug before selling it on his market stall, and had an been unlucky. She also said she would pay for new ticket to go home, I was very happy, then I had another idea.

Mighty Mick had put his number in my phone one night at the bar, I called him and told him I was in London, he was very happy as he was working in London building Olympic site. I then stay with him until my time to go home, he so good and surprise me. He take me back to Thailand on Australia plane, he go on holiday for two weeks and he buy my ticket.

He tell me he is butterfly which is OK because better than lying, I got new job in Soi Cowboy and he come see me and bar fine me five times on his holiday I am lucky I met good man after lying man, but some ladies not so lucky.

So remember Farang lie and sting same as some Thai lady, Mick says there is one born every minute! mai khao jai..

Stickman’s thoughts:

Fantastic!