An Oldie but Goodie
I am an old timer who has been around the block more times than a fish has had hot breakfasts, if you catch my meaning. I have read every Stickman submission in real time since the inception of the site, and consider myself a wiser man for having done so.
Frankly, I consider the vast majority of people who write in to this website to be unmitigated wankers, pure idiots to coin a phrase. I can’t believe the infinite number of total morons who give their lives away to two bit poxy whores—until the following happened to me.
It was a Friday night in May, two years ago, but I remember it as if it were just last year. I had just had a massage (a rub and a tug as a friend of mine used to call it) and I was calling it a night when I passed by a bar I hadn’t been in for many a year.
“Hey there, handsome man” she called out to me.
She wasn’t the most beautiful thing on the planet, a bit too tall and thick boned for me, but I loved the way she pronounced “Handsome man” with every consonant intact.
I stepped in to the bar and in to a new life, which has brought me nothing but pain, heartache and tiny orgasms. I won’t detail the loving words that passed between us during those first explosive hours that we spent in each other’s company. I couldn’t wait to get her home and into my bachelor bed. I had a routine I would follow, picked up, I think, from one of Dana’s submissions. Or not. I don’t remember.
I would leave the bed unmade. Then, as I would bring my honey for the night into my bedroom, I would open a closet filled with silk sheets of every imaginable color, and ask her to pick her favorite. Then I would make the bed as she showered. Her wetness was guaranteed.
This night was no different, and she cooed as she picked a hot pink, my personal favorite also. But as she came out from the shower she was wearing short shorts, and explained that she was having her period. After a gentle and unprofessional hand wank, we both drifted off to sleep in each other’s arms.
The next morning she was already showered and dressed by the time I awoke. I paid her the agreed upon 6,000 baht and she went on her way. All day I couldn’t stop thinking of her and that night the routine was repeated. I couldn’t wait for her period to finish!
Finally, the great day (or should I say night) arrived, and I was about to explode. Imagine my shock as she came out of the bathroom wearing the same short shorts. With tears cascading out of both her eyes, she sobbed that she was still a virgin, and had made a vow to her parents to stay that way until marriage.
That was it. I was done. The next morning we rushed over to some official-looking office somewhere in some sub soi where I presented my passport and signed some papers in Thai. My honey was wearing the 5 baht necklace I had bought her before we went, and carried in her bag the 20 baht of gold that she said her parents had asked as sin sot. I was happy to pay as I knew this was the love of my life. I had already transferred the two million baht for the sugar cane and rubber tree land her parents wanted to buy, bought a two-ton truck for her uncle, paid her younger sister’s college admissions fees (four years in advance) and paid off the one million baht credit card bill of someone she claimed was her cousin but I believed was a long estranged younger brother. I had made the mandatory 100,000 baht donation to the village where her grandparents lived, and bought the monks yellow buckets full of toiletries.
The ceremony complete, we then hosted a dinner for all her friends, including everyone at the bar in which she worked, her previous two bars and the bar where she had never worked but felt she always wanted to. I transferred the title to the two condos I had bought, one for her to live in (she didn’t like my current place) and the other for her to rent out to earn some extra money. Boy was I glad I had read Stick’s columns or I would have been really ripped off!
The special night dawned. (I’m not sure a night can “dawn”. Maybe I should say the special night arrived).
The special night arrived. All the family had left, except for a few people whose relation I did not discover but who were very content with bottles of Johnnie Black and promised not to make a lot of noise. I had already made the bed with the hot pink sheets and waited expectantly for the love of my life to emerge from the shower. Finally she did so.
She was not wearing her customary short shorts. She was wearing only a towel draped around her luscious body. But as I gazed upon her, I don’t know if it was the legality of it or my drunken state, but nothing was happening to me down below. No sensation whatsoever.
I said to her “I’m not getting an erection.”
She replied “But I am” and the towel dropped.