Readers' Submissions

So Last Weekend Here In The Middle East Was, Umm, Interesting

  • Written by Anonymous
  • March 17th, 2014
  • 9 min read



Amazing Properties


I'd finally found a gym here. I hadnt had any alcohol in over a month. I was doing so well. And then our head fixer comes to my desk late in the afternoon and says with his heavy accent "We're going out tonight with 3 Arabic ladies. Lovely jubblies. I'll pick you up at 9. Bring condoms." He smiled, nodded, then walked away.

With such a persuasive sales pitch, I thought "Sure… why not?"

So we met these 3 "ladies" at a bar that was surprisingly not in the Christian Quarter, which is where alcohol is usually sold here and thus, usually where bars are in this city. The place had the feel of a low rent mafia hangout, with all of the allure of an Ali-Baba tale of illicit behavior. I was in neck deep before I realized the score. Just 20 minutes into the night I was already wondering what I’d gotten myself into.

Then some siren with a mic went on… and on… loudly and in several Middle Eastern languages. It was off-putting. It took me a bit to get a grip and start figuring things out. First I noticed we were just about the only ones there with women at our table. Secondly I noticed that all 3 of these women had tattoos, which is just not normal at all in this neck of the woods. Then lastly, I noticed that all 3 gals drank beer and smoked both cigarettes and shisha (hookah). Sometimes all at once. Hmmm… this could be interesting / dangerous.

Gal 1, who was obviously the fixer’s chosen gal of the evening, was covered in 11 (he assured me of this accounting of them) tattoos. She was almost pretty facially, but she'd definitely had her nose done and had possibly done the lip collagen thing. She was wearing colored contacts too. Call me atavistic, but I like a normal, natural look. She seemed entirely disinterested in the evening's events and borderline bored with life in general. She was obviously used to Arab men chasing her and just as obviously used to making easy money from that situation.

Gal 2 had a beak that would've given Toucan Sam a hard on. Whereas the nose on gal #1 was nearly so small and pert as to possibly be non-functional (think of the average child’s nose in whoville), this one could've inhaled half of Colombia's national product in a single snort. It was almost comical when combined with her cartoonishly heavy make-up and painted eyebrows. And to top it off, she was built like a 4-5 months pregnant gal, though she wasnt pregnant as far I know… she just had the big kangaroo-like lower belly that hung and swayed hypnotically as she danced. A gunt, I believe the kids call it these days.

Gal number 3 had the cutest face of the group, though that's not saying much, all things considered. She was just average, though she was heaviest of the bunch. Truth be told, once upon a time on a drunken night in a club in the west, I might've given this one some pity sex if I’d had a few rounds and it was nearing closing time. That was years before I'd lived in Thailand though. Standards shift. It happens. And although she was only slightly below average looking, I just couldnt see myself going there.

Did I mention that none of the 3 spoke English? Yeah, there was that too. And the typical Middle Eastern diet doesnt help much in terms of keeping them fit looking.

Anyway we hung out in club cosa nostra there for a bit. Drinking beers, listening to the only other gal in the whole place croon away on stage in arabic. The gals seemed to appreciate it, but for me and the fixer it was all happening about 3 or 4 levels too loud. He asked if we should leave. It was 11pm. I nodded. We then rode around to the Christian Quarter, to 2 different clubs and one late-night restaurant that serves alcohol… all full and saying there'd be a long wait to get in. So we did the most logical thing in the world to do… we brought them to our place of work and home… our villa.

/RUN stupidity

We stayed downstairs at first. Gal #1 wanted to smoke inside, which I refused. She pouted, then went outside and made a show of shivering, despite it being 55 degrees or so. Not one single fxxx was given by me… it was dumb enough bringing them to our place of business/residence in the first place, much less letting them smoke inside. There'd already been 2 beer spills in just 30 minutes.

Gal #3 turned out to be kind of funny, occasionally spurting random English phrases at somewhat humorous times. "Of course!", "Ok, good night!" and "Very nice to meet you!" were in the mix and she'd use them at oddly amusing times. Want another beer? "Yes of course, very nice to meet you, ok goodnight!" You never knew when one or all of those phrases would be thrown out, but it was kind of cute in its own weird way.

Gal #2 continued to have a HUGE humped nose. Did I mention her?

So we come back to the villa here, and of all places to drink, we're drinking in the conference room. I played some music from YouTube on my laptop, but despite it being dancy/poppy tunes, the gals hadn't ever heard of them. "Arabi!" they all pleaded. Fine. Give 'em what they want.

Luckily not too long after, one of my Filipinos called me. He was drunk (is anyone ever sober when dialing the phone past midnight on a weekend?). He said he was just 3 blocks away with my other Filipino and they were at quite a fun party and we should join them. They sweetened the deal by saying “There’s lots of food here and some Pinays”. Sure, why not? Let's take this show on the road.

What followed was the kind of unbelievable mix of people that only the Middle East could produce. Where else would you find Arabic girls eating pansit and dancing to small Asian men croaking out love songs in harshly accented English? "Neeeaar… paaarr… wherebbber you arrrreee….".

But there was indeed a lot of food, folks and fun there so a good time was had by all. Both my guys danced with the "ladies", as did others. The gals seemed to quite enjoy it and the partiers all hooted and encouraged one another to shake a tail feather. The older of my 2 Filipinos took quite a liking to heavy gal (#3) and spend some time joking with her as best he could. Finally around 3 AM I informed the fixer that it was now roughly 4 hours past my normal sleep time and I wanted to head back to the villa. Somehow this was mistranslated in his head to "let’s all go fxxx in the villa", so we headed back with the one Filipino now latched on to the heavy set gal.

Once we got back to the villa, things hit an ugly downward spiral. It was obvious the fixer was now quite drunk and more than ready to get his groove on. Gal #1 still looked like she couldn’t care less and I tried to let him know he shouldn’t chase affection, but reason was a lost cause at that point. Eventually though, the gauntlet was thrown down, by me, when I announced I was ready to crash for the night and everyone should pick a room or clear out via taxi. The fixer first headed up the steps to the empty extra bedroom, then stopped. It was obvious he was choosing gal #1, as he had all night. And it was obvious my Filipino had chosen gal #3. This left me with gal #2, aka; Jimmy Durante's love child with an arab camel. I was so uninterested that I can’t even put it into words. This upset the fixer as he'd paid good money for 3 young and beautiful gals.

Gal #1 was 23. Gal #2 was 27. And Gal #3 was 24. My guess is that if you added 6 – 8 years to that, you might be getting close to the truth. But the guy had laid out his money and was quite upset that I wouldn’t take advantage of the poon on offer. I mean, after all, it was free. Why not at least just take a BJ? Just out of courtesy, he drunkenly pleaded. I shook my head and pushed him physically toward the empty extra room, his bored looking gal with the plastic face following not too far behind. I eventually convinced him to just go have his fun and forget about me and Razorbeak. It wasn’t gonna happen.

I ushered the chunky gal into my Filipino's room, then closed the door behind them. Then I went to my own room, walking right past the lone gal (#2) left over, and somewhat cruelly shut the door behind me, locking it & turning out the light. I heard her get on her phone and from the phlemmy sounding Arabic bitching, she wasnt enjoying being the only gal rejected. She was obviously phoning a friend she could complain to. She eventually took her whining downstairs and I started to doze off, despite the bed rocking sounds that were coming from elsewhere.

They knocked on my door a half hour later and for some reason I answered in just my boxers. Probably because that's what I sleep in. Anyway, gal #3 had thought she'd left her jacket or her phone or something she felt she couldn’t live without, in my room. A cursory look found no evidence of whatever it was she was seeking. More phlemmy talk between the gals, then the fixer translated "It's not here. Sorry for disturb. Good night."

And so I finally drifted off around 5 AM, just as my other Filipino was sneaking his Pinay bed buddy into his room. I heard the unmistakable clip-clop of her shoes on the marble stairs. Despite being a degreed professional, she seems to love stripper shoes. Different strokes and all that…

So it was an odd night, but an interesting one… no bedroom fun on my behalf, but it goes to prove that no matter where you are in the world, meaningless rented sex can be found. I just had no interest. I admit though, I am completely spoiled at this point. I've lived in Thailand and hopped around SE Asia for most of the last 3 years. I've had the stunners… the ones so beautiful you just cant believe it. Once woken up with someone I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why I would ever want in my bed. And I've had all kinds of gals in between… funny ones, aggressive ones, farm fresh, older ones, bigger noms, dirty looking ones with big back-piece tattoos & multiple piercings… so I dont feel I am missing out at all by turning away a very average looking arab gal with a huge schnoz. Pissed off my fixer, but oh well, my guess is he's got bigger things to deal with today… like his hangover…




Stickman's thoughts:

Good on you for not lowering your standards. An old mate of mine back home used to always say, "A fxxx's a fxxx and no fxxx's no fxxxxx good!" I never did agree with that!