Falling in Love – How it Works
She was absolutely beautiful, a 28-year old blond German ancestry Chilean girl back in my house from Hawaii, 12 years younger than me. She was on the phone changing her phone reservation to stay an extra six weeks speaking in Spanish. I was watching her elegance and charm and then the lightning bolt struck! I was head over heels, totally completely in LOVE! Well, things didn't turn out (another story) but it sent me on the quest to find out what happened to my brain, the constant thoughts and obsessions, the full blown symptoms I thought I'd left behind in my teen years. The following, gentlemen, is what I discovered in understanding what happened to me, and how you can have a choice.
Falling in love is actually a rather well documented, step by step process that occurs in the human psyche. If you fall in love, it will last approximately 4 years +/- 2 years. This is evolutionary biology, as if the parents separate prior to this, the child will be less likely to survive migration between winter/summer tribal areas. If the parents stay longer, then those genes aren't spread in the population. Longer or shorter time frames decreases selection in the gene pool. So, when you fall OUT of love, the endorphins turn off, and you have that WTF moment of looking at the person next to you wondering how you ever even got here, with nothing in common, now you know. The brain switch reset.
The process is fairly straightforward. First the partner must match at least 80% of your internal representation (love map) of who your ideal mate would be. Second, there must be some degree of physical contact, touching, sex, etc. to kick off the Pitocin "bonding" hormone. You are then "primed" to fall in love. The critical point is reached when internally you say something to the effect of "…I could spend the rest of my life with this person…" combined with a visual image of you and her projected into the future. That is it! If you do this, then the endorphin cascade occurs in the brain, and you become completely besotted with "love" endorphins, obsessing with her, composing poetry, coming up with little gifts, the whole disgusting lot of behaviors that are typical of such a (natural) drug induced state. Logic is gone out the window. You are totally projecting your own ideals, values and imagery of who this person is onto them, with absolutely no validity or objectivity. Your friends can tell you nothing (deaf ears). You see ONLY what you want to see… she really isn't matching any of your projections, you just think she is. You are puppet meat on a stick, and now she is the puppet master. You poor poor sod.. all your buddies shake their heads.. You’re not coming back to reality for years!
What was the trigger?? That projection of you and her into the future!! Don't DO IT!! That's the key.. if you project yourself and her into the future, that’s it, you're doomed.
When I married my first disaster, the result of non-judicious use of Taoist sexual chi kung on what was supposed to be just a fxxx buddy, my friends all tried to tell me about her character flaws; her lack of emotional sensitivity, brusque manner and borderline rude behavior towards people. I just didn’t pay any attention to their well-meaning words as I was besotted with her. I should have looked at how she treated her dog for a future preview of what was coming down the pike for me! I woke up 5 years later while she was driving, nattering on about her bilingual class and I was contemplating some bit of esoteric philosophy. It just hit me as I looked over at her and realized that we had absolutely no mutual interests! No longer in love, couldn’t even stand to be with her. When the endorphins go, everything everyone tried to tell you makes perfect sense in retrospect. Make the fastest exit possible, don’t worry about kids, working it out or anything else, it’s not going to happen.
A little aside on the difference between men and women when it’s “over”. When women say it’s over, it’s dead, stake through the heart, rotting in the ground, dead and buried OVER!! She’s been telling / complaining for months if not years, you haven’t been paying attention.
When men hear it’s over, they finally wake up from their delusional state, the psychic 2×4 they’ve been ignoring in all the little hints and ‘serious talks’ you’ve had finally lands. Oh, NOW you get it.. too late. Now you think you’re going to really listen, do all the changes she’s been demanding, worship her etc. etc.. to get the relationship back together emotionally. While you foolishly believe that the relationship can be repaired, she’s already 6 months down the road ahead of you. Don’t believe me? Bug/record her phone and listen to what she tells her girlfriends.. that’ll cure you. Bottom line is that you must absolutely give up the idea that you can rectify the situation with promises, money, giving her what she wants, anything and everything, it just won’t work. (Divorce lawyers get women fortunes negotiating while men are in ‘repair’ mode). Now instead of the Goddess, you’re dealing with wrathful feminine form. There is a reason all those Tibetan thankas show the wrathful female form as a three eyed tusked demon wearing skull garlands, drinking YOUR blood out of the top of your skull!!! That is what you are dealing with now, so suck it up, go cry with your mates and get ready for war! Your only goal is to save your wallet and your heart. This requires a degree of ruthlessness you may not be used to, rest assured, it’s genetic for her.
It takes a minimum of six weeks for you to get your brain chemistry back under control after falling in love if SHE doesn't want to continue. You'll be miserable the entire time, obsessive thoughts can’t get her out of your head but you'll get over it. Much better to NEVER go into future projection without due deliberation, input from your mates and others as to the wisdom of this. You have plenty of time to flip the switch, it’s much more difficult and painful to psyche and wallet to be hasty.
If you take a moment and reflect back on your experiences, you can probably recall the above sequences in your own life. If you want a long term relationship with someone, make sure you have a commonality of mutual interests and fun things to do that will outlast your 4 +/- 2 year endorphin Love delusions. Then when you 'wake up' and look at her with clarity for the first time since that happened to you, you won't have that "why on earth am I with this person" moment.
Good luck Brothers, armed with knowledge, you can now CHOOSE when to make the emotional leap and not be bushwhacked by Falling in Love!