Why I Think We All Tend To End Up With One Girl, Eventually…
Now I guess most of this submission is going to be blindingly obvious to most of you but here are my thoughts on why the majority of us end up in long-term relationships with bargirls and maybe some friendly advice on how to help make it last.
This submission is clearly for the mongers, for it is only us, with a few exceptions, that will end up in long-term relations with bargirls. There are many submissions already written by people on where to meet girls outside or not connected to the bar industry. So if you are with a bargirl, that is where you chose to be. I am at the age now where I have noticed that a lot of my friends are now married to or in long term relationships with ex-bargirls. Some living in Australia, some Thailand, some Indonesia and some in the Philippines. For the sake of this submission I will restrict myself to only talking about Thailand.
Now let's rewind a bit. Some of you might want to tune out here, in particular those of you who have not been coming here very long or only get the opportunity to travel here infrequently. Surely otherwise you will think I have gone mad or forgotten what it is all about. As some of you may already know, I am a merchant seaman and for those that don't know, our leave structure is strictly day for day. One day's work, one day's leave (paid! thank you very much). 6 months off a year, EVERY year, so I get substantially more time to play than most. Initially when my friends and I started mongering, like all of us, we were like kids in the proverbial candy store and my typical day invariably went mostly like this. Wake up, roll over and have sex with the girl (or girls if I was sober enough to convince a girl to bring a mate or 2 back with her). Breakfast, pay the girls say my goodbyes, swim and gym, eat lunch. After that straight to Soi 6 for a short time, sometimes linger there for another later on. Around 4 or 5 PM hit the beers bars and then by 8 or 9 PM start hitting the gogos and time to grab a gogo girl for a short time. You don't want to go out with a loaded gun or you make your choice for the evening too hastily. Hit the piss and do the rounds until it was time to hit Marine 1 or 2 then maybe on to JP bar in the early hours to find a girl or 2 to take back to my room. There is no boast in this. I would say my escapades were fairly average and I know some much more prolific humpers than myself who live and die by the short time and some of the numbers they have put up are astounding. I would have to drink a lot less or get on the recreationals because I just don't think I'd have the energy. Basically then, on average, I was sleeping with a minimum of 3 different girls a day, EVERY day. Now this is where some of you will hate me and I would in no way say it ever became mundane or boring. Never regretted one second of it but after 6 months a year for X amount of years at some point it started to feel like at times I was only going through the motions. Call me spoiled, it all just becomes a blur of bars and bargirl faces. For most of us Thailand is certainly Disneyland for adults (but with better rides, as the old joke goes) but like Disneyland I don't think anyone should in all fairness live there. After you have been on those spinning teacups thousands of times the novelty starts to wear off a little.
Where I am I going with this? Well over time I found girls I liked more than others, for any number of reasons, and so wanted to spend more time with them. Back then it never changed how I played but as we get older our tolerances to alcohol and our ability to stay out until the wee hours every night decrease. The same too I found with my friends – some made that choice early as I have a number of mates that have been in relationships for 15 years or more. I guess what I am saying is that a lot of guys over time find that girl they really like being with and want to get off the merry go round. It does not mean that they like going out or to the bars any less but some get bored of constantly chopping and changing, and all the drama that can go along with it (that however is a whole other submission in itself). That turns into the perpetual barfine which eventually turns to taking her out of the bar and marriage or the long term relationship. Now people like to talk about "horror stories" with bargirls. To be fair, outside of those who jumped in way too quickly, made rash decisions, got conned or expected way too much too soon, in my experience I have found the converse to be true. In most cases both people have gone in with both eyes wide open and never wanted things to end badly. Doesn't mean it doesn't happen but most wouldn't want it to.
Now as I have said, many of my friends have been with bargirls for quite a number of years and for the most part have normal, stable, loving relationships. I do not think a single one of them would tell you it was an easy road, but I would also say any long term committed relationship takes a lot of hard work and tolerance from both parties, no matter where in the world you are. So how do you make it work? Well if I knew the answer to that question I would be a very rich man, but just off the top of my head in no particular order are the things I have observed from my friends' relationships that have made them go the distance.
1: Ensure you have known your girl for a reasonable amount of time. Don't come to Thailand twice or grab a gogo bar girl 3 nights in a row and want to get married. Having said that I am sure that has worked for some but I guess not many. I can't make a guess on the actual amount of time, it varies from person to person but I would say at least a year and if possible spend some time living with her before you make the jump.
2: Please have at least a decent grasp of each other's mother tongue. That means your Thai should be at least as good as her English (no bias meant there, feel free to insert German, Dutch, Italian, French whatever as you see fit). It doesn't mean you have to be fluent or fully understand the subtleties and nuances of each other's language but you need to be able to communicate on a reasonable level with each other. Case in point: I have 2 XXXX friends who live not far from me. I refuse to specifically talk about anyone I know even if I have their consent. It is not my place to talk about other people or their lives. In this case if I mention their nationalities they would quickly realise who I am talking about. These 2 XXXX gentlemen both have Thai wives and are married with children for a reasonable amount of time, neither of their wives speak XXXX and neither gentleman can speak Thai beyond being able to order food and drink and say hello. Now that is fine for a short time, but in the constructs of a marriage it must be terrible to not be able to communicate with each other or each other's family even in the most simple way. Some would probably say it was awesome to not have to listen to your wife but I will reserve judgement.
3: Try not to make the age gap too great. Most of the people I know have under 15 years and at the most 20 years age difference between them. Again this doesn't mean it won't work but if you have an age gap of closer to 10 years as opposed to 20 odd it just seems to make things easier. Which is reasonable, I think, most 50 year old men would be more than happy with a 30 year old wife I would imagine. Not talking about short times, talking about marriages!
4: Don't be afraid to SPEND! Now this is controversial but if you have been with your girl a decent amount of time she will have a fair idea of what you earn and how you spend it. It's a bit rich from going from spending 5000 or more baht a night in Pattaya and then refusing to cough up 15 or 20 thousand a month to take care of her. Let's face it, you have chosen to be with a bargirl, so on some level however small, the onus is on you to provide some financial support. I am not suggesting you allow yourself to get taken for a ride or bend over, but agree to what you both consider to be a reasonable amount of money and stick to it. While we are on that topic, that monthly stipend in no way covers spoiling your wife or girlfriend as you would anywhere else in the world (or motorbikes, cars and gold and jewellery for that matter). Remember too, that even if she finds a job outside of the bar she will never have your earning capacity, which means you will be responsible, mostly, for paying for everything, forever. If you can't accept that simple truth don't even bother. What's hers is hers and what's yours is hers (only joking).
5: Don't treat her any differently because she has worked in a bar. Should be obvious but apparently not. I have seen some guys treat bargirls atrociously over the years. It is a shit go and well out of order, treating her any differently than any other woman on the planet or without honour and respect says a lot more about your character as a man than it does about her working in a bar. This is your wife or girlfriend so treat her and give her the same amount of love and respect that you expect in return.
So there you have it! My surefire, foolproof recipe for making your relationship work. Yeah right! I have no idea what works and what doesn't but I know it will take a lot of effort from both of you. Clearly as well, as usual, I have probably missed a lot more than I have concluded. Thai woman however, at their best, are some of the most beautiful, enchanting, exciting, addictive women in the world and it's that which keeps most of us coming back. Your Thai wife or girlfriend will also be a lot more tolerant of that nose hair, ear hair or any other hair that you may be sporting these days as we all slide into old age. She will be also much more tolerant of your balding head (if you have one), your beer gut (if you don't take care of yourself), your terrible dress sense (if that applies), the fact that you consume 15 beers or whiskeys a day, and that you may not be that hansum man that you have over time been convinced was undeniably true, than most other women on Earth. Also if they truly bond with you as I have seen in many relationships they can be some of the most loving and caring as well. Have fun, try and play safe and live life like there is no tomorrow… I know I am. Cheers and thanks for your time.
Interesting thoughts. More than 8 years ago I wrote an article, How To Make It Work With A Bargirl and I just had a look back at it and would say what was written then is just as relevant today as it was back then.