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Never Trust a Big Butt and a Smile

  • Written by ElFugitivo
  • January 18th, 2014
  • 23 min read


Black Pagoda Patpong Bangkok



As a wise man once quipped in an old rap song “Never trust a big butt and a smile”. I am currently involved in a lot of drama with my former bargirl wife and I am grateful for this website. Stickman’s site is a place where one can vent in anonymity; it is both a confessional and an encyclopedia of Thailand-related knowledge. I am/have been at times both a “sex tourist” and a “sex pat”. What differentiates my story from others is that I got involved in Thailand’s bar scene at a relatively young age. I was thinking back on how I got myself in to this mess and I came to the conclusion that 1980s action movies were responsible for infecting me with “yellow fever”. Please allow me to explain.

I grew up in Chicago in a neighborhood where “diversity” meant that a woman was “exotic” if she had origins in Europe other than Poland. Let me make a point, I am not maligning my Slavic sisters by any means – I am just naturally attracted to darker hair and skin. My other half is Mexican; maybe this is why I like women with “ample” posteriors? I don’t advocate the idea that all Western women are inherently evil; that is to say women that were raised in a “Western” society regardless of their racial or ethnic background. I have had girlfriends, two serious ones, of European and Latin descent and I was the reason for the failure of those relationships. Not “militant feminism” or any of the other criticisms that readers of this site frequently level at Western women. Come to think of it, the only “militant feminists” that encountered were a few bull-dykes and the odd nutcase in a college class. In addition to my Asian obsession, I admire “thick” women. No shortage of them where I come from! But have you ever seen a thick Asian? They exist and there are some in Thailand too, but that is a whole different story. Back to recounting my downward spiral…

Like I was saying, I grew up in a very homogenous part of town. Just before starting junior high school (6th, 7th, and 8th grades), we moved into a suburban area just outside of Chicago proper. Those of you that are familiar with this frozen hell know that the Southwest Side is mostly populated by people of Polish, Irish, Mexican, Arab, and Italian descent. My first conscious memory of seeing beautiful Asian women was in Kung Fu movies. Channel 66 used to run “Samurai Sunday”, in spite of the Japanese reference; the programming consisted of Chinese Kung Fu movies from the 1970s.

Sometime later I watched several action movies dealing with the Vietnam War. The worst offenders were “Uncommon Valor” with Gene Hackman and the “Missing in Action” series with Chuck Norris. The plots were always the same – a group of American veterans attempt to liberate prisoners of war still being held in now Communist Vietnam. For some reason all direct action missions (at least in 1980s action movies) involve meeting in various gogo bars and contacting sleazy expats; looking back on my own service in Iraq I can say that absolutely none of my unit’s missions involved gogo bars or Iraqi hookers, but then again I’m not Chuck Norris. For some reason every other American expat in Thailand happens to be a Vietnam-era “operator”. Apparently there were no logisticians, mechanics, or regular old infantrymen in that war. On an unrelated note, the Pattaya VFW (Veterans of Foreign Wars) has been a great resource and a great bunch of older guys for us rookies to learn from. Members are actually vetted so it keeps the “Rambos” and “Jack Ryans” out.

So Chuck Norris and Gene Hackman got me into the Thai sex scene. To be fair, I think those movies were filmed in the Philippines. I can’t imagine the Thais “losing face” by allowing filming inside of the Magic Kingdom. I was enamored with the scenes of hot LBFMs gyrating on gogo poles to the hits of the 70s and 80s. I resolved then and there that I wanted a woman like that. As the years went by my obsession grew. I continued to admire European-American women and I am still very attracted to them, but the yellow fever got me. Later as a young and impressionable Private a certain Sergeant First Class, who was an actual Vietnam Veteran, would regale me with tales of Siamese, Vietnamese, and the Philippine ladies. The crusty old NCO once remarked “if you go to Thailand you will wind up married”. How right he was.

Then in 7th Grade this Korean lady moved into the neighborhood. We’ll just call her “M”. M was married to a former soldier who met her while in Korea, she was probably a former bargirl but it wasn’t really obvious. I was friends with M’s son and M was friendly with my mother. M was awesome, she had “big hair” as was the style back then; she looked a lot like this 80s porn star whose name eludes me. [I am also a connoisseur of Asian-themed pornography, that certainly contributed to my obsession but that is a topic worthy of another submission.]. M was exotic, by far the hottest MILF in the neighborhood. Alas, if only she could have pulled a “Mrs. Robinson” on me I would have excused the constant stench of kimchi that permeated her.

Having been something of a delinquent in high school, I didn’t have the grades or the discipline to attend college. I was hanging out with kids that were already heavy into the drug scene and I needed to make a positive change. Looking back on it now, some of these kids are dead, others are in prison, and the rest have become “white trash”. I decided that joining the Armed Forces would be a good idea. It would give me a sense of purpose, get me physically fit, and help to fund my education – it was also something of a family tradition. Actually I really didn’t need much help from Uncle Sam for college because my family had been saving for my college since I was born, but Uncle Sam’s contribution will play a key role in making me into a monger as we’ll see.

So there I am in the Army, stuck at exotic Fort Sill, Oklahoma. Oklahoma is probably the worst state in the Union – there is literally nothing there. There weren’t many women to chase either since neighboring Lawton is a “military town”; therefore the ratio of women to men is not favorable. However, there was no shortage of “naughty” nightlife. There were the obligatory strip clubs-where the women actually dance, rather than “shuffle” as they do in Thailand’s gogo bars. However, there were also several massage parlors. The massage parlors were little more than brothels that offered haircuts in addition to “massages”.

The best of these was “Suzy’s Good Time Oriental Bathhouse and Barber Shop” (or something like that). You would walk in and the mamasan (a Korean) would ask you “haircut or massage”, actually it would come out “massage-y”. If you answered “massage”, she’d take you into a sitting room where all types of ladies were lounging around in bikinis or lingerie. The women were a very diverse lot: European-Americans, African-Americans, Asians (a few Koreans and one or two Filipinas), and several “real” Europeans (Germans). You would rent the room for an hour (the house’s cut), but what transpired between and your “masseuse” what a separate transaction (her cut). Prostitution is illegal almost everywhere in the US, yet here I am whoring it up in the so-called “Bible Belt” of America. A blowjob and regular sex was about $80-100. I only used these places a few times because I wound up dating a girl in Texas. She was a Filipina (born and raised in the US), and she was an absolute nympho….but that is a story for a later date! The Asian fetish only escalated form here on out.

I got of the Army in 1999 and I started college, since I was funding college with the money that my family had saved for me, my GI Bill payments were basically expendable income! As soon as Spring semester would end (late May), I would be off to Thailand until Fall semester (mid August)-courtesy of the American taxpayer! Who said that defense spending is wasteful? And this was when the US Dollar was buying about 41 Baht…halcyon days. I would fly form Chicago-O’Hare to Bangkok, via Tokyo-Narita. I was young then so these marathon flights didn’t bother me too much, due to my physical issues I don’t think I could survive any more of those marathon journeys.

After college I was off to law school, I got accepted into a very reputable (and very expensive) school in Chicago. Most of my GI Bill had been squandered on Thai hookers so I did what everyone else was doing and took out student loans. Law school didn’t work out because I committed the mortal sin of getting a “C” in one of my classes. The policy was that any grades lower than a “B” during your first year and you’re out. So there I was stuck with $30,000 in student loan debt and no job. I stayed in touch with a few American expats that I’d met and hung around with while in Pattaya and one offered me accommodation while I completed a TEFL course so that I could teach English in Thailand.

I eventually landed a decent gig that paid 50,000 Baht per month but it was quite a commute from my room to the school. I also wound up shacked up with a bargirl that I would eventually marry-I’ll get to that later. I met the woman that I’d eventually marry-and have a child with in a bar on Soi 8 in Pattaya. She really was new to the scene, her English was nonexistent and she still dressed like a country girl. I was attracted to her because she was “thick”, that is to say voluptuous. She has a lighter complexion and large breasts; most importantly she has a big booty. I know that some readers will think that I’m insane, but to each his own. Don’t get me wrong I like a slim little “spinner” now and again, but Chicago winters get cold and it is nice having something to hold on to.

I did a TEFL class in Pattaya and then I found work in Bangkok. We had a few arguments, once she ran off with an old customer but came back the next day. I made her sell the phone this guy bought for her and we wound up patching things up. I got mad so I went on a whore spree in Nana Plaza and mistakenly gave a girl my number. Sure enough I got caught (I kind of wanted to), but she flipped out and threatened me with a knife. That should have been my first indication that this one was not right in the head. For starters she wasn’t close with her family-there were no outrageous demands for money as was to be expected. She loathes her father because he used to beat her mom, drink, and butterfly and she witnessed this. I guess it is only normal that her attitudes toward men would be warped.

Eventually we got married and to her parent’s credit there was no demand for sin sot, I gave them $2,000 anyways which they appreciated. Her father has a bit of land in the village and gave it to us as a wedding gift. There was no elaborate party, just a registration at the amphur and a string-tying ceremony back at the village. I can say that I really like her family because they are good to me; I am really disturbed by my wife’s attitude toward her mother (a really nice lady). My wife exploded at her once in public (big loss of face) and accused her of staying with the abusive/drunk of a father. I felt really bad for her mom; I thought Thai daughters are not supposed to act like that. I was happy staying with her since she had calmed down after we got married but I had to earn some money. Teaching English wasn’t my thing and my Bachelor’s wasn’t really applicable to any other jobs in Thailand. By this time Iraq had spiraled out of control so I returned to the US and reenlisted into the Army; we then retained a law firm to help her get a visa to the US.

I really don’t know whether or not she was fxxxing around while I was in Iraq. She would always answer her phone and I spoke to her mom on several occasions so obviously the mother was in close proximity to her, but you can never really trust a bargirl. At this time I sent her my enlistment bonus and told her to build a house. I understood that I was building a house for her family-she didn’t! So much for the concept of “dutiful” Thai daughter. All in all I sent her just over $26,000 USD, the village is in rural Nakorn Rachasima (Korat) close to Buriram. On this modest sum she was able to have a nice little house built, and next to it she built nice little shack for her parents! Now the new shack is a huge improvement over the two-by-four and corrugated tin hovel that used to be her parent’s house. She did a great job as foreman of the construction project and I am happy with the outcome, but she doesn’t let her parents stay in the main house-even now that we live in the US. I like living in the village, it is nice and quiet and I have had no problems there-that is to say that nobody expects me to pay for the whole damn town. The quiet village life is great for me because of my frayed nerves. Her parents are very nice to me and I actually like them better than her.

I think this nut feels that her duty to her parents is done and that is it. To shorten a long story, she passed her interview at the embassy and got a K-3/Spouse visa to the US. Despite what she claimed was a very confrontational interview, she passed it. She is not an obvious bargirl, she hides her tattoos and is modest with her makeup and clothes. After getting back from Iraq I had the opportunity to get a new job in the Army so it was off to Arizona for training, followed by 15-months of foreign language training in California. She was thriving in California; she made friends with a “high-so” Thai woman that was a language instructor. Despite the class difference between them they bonded and this woman was a really good example and mentor for her. She excelled in her English studies and made real progress, she also had decent Thai friends. After completing my language training I got sent to a major urban area on the east coast, this is where the problems really started.

She felt really isolated out there and there was no Thai community to speak of. Despite continuing with her English studies, she was not making progress. I too was having some issues due to health problems resulting from my time in Iraq. My enlistment was up and I decided to get out of the Army. I just couldn’t do a full 20 years and retire from the service. I have respect for guys that pull it off but I couldn’t do it-physically or mentally. Thankfully I now had an “in demand” MOS (Military Occupational Specialty) and I was able to find a very lucrative job as a contractor in Afghanistan. My wife wanted to stay in the US but she didn’t know anyone, so she moved in with my mother back in Chicago. Just a few days after I arrived in Afghanistan I got the news…she was pregnant! We had been trying for a while, but no luck. She and my mother were not getting along and she wasn’t happy in Chicago-no surprise as my mom is a nut so who can blame her. She went back to Thailand to stay with her mom. She is a small woman, but damn did she get big! I am a big guy and when our daughter was born she was huge. No doubts about paternity in this case-that kid is my female twin. Luckily I got to take leave from Afghanistan and was able to see my daughter’s birth. Let me praise Thai hospitals, they did a great job. I am coming from a country where healthcare costs an arm and a leg and the service sucks!

So I was in Afghanistan and the money was rolling in, I stayed there for two years and was able to eliminate the debt that I accrued from my failed attempt at law school. More importantly I was able to put a very large sum of money into a “529” plan (a college savings fund) for my daughter. During one of my trips I told my wife to leave the baby with her mom for a few days so we could do a romantic few days. Well she got fall-down drunk in Bangkok, again on Koh Samed where we had a huge fight, and again in Pattaya where she cussed her mom out in public. She is an alcoholic-seriously, she can’t just have “a few”. She once got so shitty drunk in California that she fell down in a bar and got bounced out (loss of face for me). Every time she drinks there is an incident. She stormed out on me in Pattaya-big mistake. I am risking my ass in the rectum of the world (Kandahar, not Pattaya) and she pulls this shit. No problem…suffice it to say that Devil’s Den and the local gogos provided me with enough companionship. We patched it up at the end of that trip and decided to stay together.

By late 2012 the writing was on the wall (career-wise). The big salaries would be much reduced in 2013 as the drawdown in Afghanistan was starting. One day I will write a submission about the Thais that I encountered at Kandahar Airfield-what a bunch of characters. The hell with taking advantage of us farangs-the shit they do to their own countrymen was just as bad if not worse! I sent the wife and kid back to Chicago and I would soon join them. Now in 2011 and 2012 my fellow contractors and I were “ballers”. The money was excellent, we would whore it up in Dubai (another submission), and travel on non-US carriers-that is to say we travelled like humans and not cattle. The company paid for our travel and our accommodations in the UAE, it was great-and it was over. I am from a normal middle class background, but I have also lived in some truly shitty conditions so life as a proper “expat” was a whole new world for me. I was hooked-thankfully I didn’t squander the money by putting it into Thailand!

We got back to the US and at first all was well. I managed to find a job with the state; the pay is nothing like what I was making overseas but the benefits are good and there is job security because we have a very strong union. That is probably why our state is bankrupt. When it comes to corruption the Thais don’t have shit on Illinois-especially Cook County and Chicago. Our last two governors (one Republican, one Democrat) are in prison. For me Thailand is like the game “Grand Theft Auto”…one can bang hookers and bribe cops when in a pinch. So we are back in the US and I used the money I saved to get a new, sensible, family car. I also put a substantial down payment on a condo near my mom and grandparents, I have a low mortgage and everything was going well. Then she started with her shit again. She claimed that she is unhappy and has no friends, etc.

This is bullshit, we live 4 blocks from a Thai temple and there is also a Thai grocery/restaurant. She was not diligent so she made no progress in school; at this point I think she has ADHD or some other disorder. She is a great mom and very gentle and patient with the baby and she is a good cook and keeps a clean house-otherwise she is useless. Well one day she was in one of her moods and she starts drinking wine. By now we know that she and booze don’t mix so an argument starts. This one gets heated and she starts to pack a bag, I tell her good and now it is physical and she is hitting me. It escalates and she grabbed a knife (again), so I disarmed her without beating her. This made it worse as she started to throw things so I grabbed the baby and left to a relative's. I was afraid she was going to kill herself as she has a habit of randomly taking my prescription sleeping pills so I called the cops (non-emergency) to check that she hadn’t offed herself. She tried to kill herself once before, this was back in Thailand before I knew her. The cops were already there as the neighbors had called them due to the commotion. I told them what happened and sure enough she got arrested. So much for “militant feminism” run amok in the US-this time the woman got locked up on a domestic!

I had enough of her shit so I signed complaints and she was taken to the infamous Cook County Jail (26th and California for those of you that know the area). This happened on a holiday weekend so she was there for a few days. I wanted to post bond but couldn’t since everything was closed except for the hearings. At her bond hearing she couldn’t understand what was happening so the judge said no bond until there is a translator. Now the jail is a hell-hole, people awaiting trial on common offenses (DUI, domestic battery, minor drugs, etc.) all the way up to major felonies (murder, gang activity, major drug charges, etc.). Three days later I bailed her out and asked the State’s Attorney to drop the charges, I told them that I wouldn’t cooperate. This incident “corrected” her attitude problem; she said that she was in jail with some scary people. So much of “hip-hop” (which she likes) revolves around crime and the criminal justice system-I guess seeing the real thing was too “raw” for her, but now that she’s been incarcerated she has “street cred” (sarcasm).

Things were quiet for a while, and going to jail really hurt her. She still would not admit that she had an alcohol problem; rather she blamed the outburst on her temper! She wanted to go back to Thailand so I said go ahead, I actually wanted her to do that purge/detox that Wat Thamkrabok is famous for, but she insists that she isn’t an alcoholic. Instead she went to some meditation/spiritual retreat. Since arriving in the US she has gotten increasingly religious, this started when we were in Philadelphia and built steadily. Are there born again ex-bargirl Buddhists? She came back to the US after her 2-month “meditation vacation” and she was OK again for about two months. Then you guessed it, “I’m unhappy”. So after a non-physical fight I sent her back again (by now my savings are almost gone) and this time she took the baby with her.

She claimed that she is coming back, but I think that maybe she met someone. Possible, but he must be even stupider than I am since she is now 33 and still carrying “baby weight”. She is due back in early February-we’ll see if she returns. I told her that this is it, if she pulls this shit again she is gone and I am raising my baby in the US where she can get a decent education and have better future than in rural Korat or Pattaya. I was in a car accident after I got back to the US and there may be a nice settlement coming so that is a positive. Also, I have applied to graduate school under my state’s veterans benefit program (separate from the GI Bill). Basically this is 4 years of free tuition at a public university; I would be retarded not to take advantage of what is basically a free graduate degree. I want to pursue an MBA with a concentration in finance. Not only can this lead to a lucrative career, but it is a mobile degree that would allow me to work anywhere in the world. If I ever wind up working in LOS, it will be on the “expat package”, no more teaching English. One of the points that was made several times on the site was “don’t waste your peak earning years in Thailand”. I am taking that advice to heart and focusing on advancing my career now.

Dealing with my wife’s bullshit has really soured me to Thailand. Why would I want to spend an entire day in the air just to get there? What the hell is so great about a country that is incredibly xenophobic? The girls are hot (but attitudes are getting worse), the food is good and so are the beaches, but it has lost its luster. Morocco and the UAE were great mongering sites, and I’ve yet to explore Ukraine and Colombia. I actually enjoy mongering in “Dar al-Islam” – it is much more low key; therefore it feels naughtier (and classier). The UAE is also where I encountered Central Asian women; beautiful East Asian faces with voluptuous European bodies. I married my wife hoping that the great sex would continue, but it hasn’t. We hardly go at it anymore; her boozing, “born again Buddhist” crap, or maybe a secret boyfriend, ruined it all. Right now my priorities are our child and my education, everything else is secondary. I will probably return to Thailand someday, whether or not I’m with her is another story. Thank you for allowing me to have a forum to vent and confess.