Readers' Submissions

All I Want for Christmas is a Facial Mole and a Lazy Eye

  • Written by Anonymous
  • December 28th, 2013
  • 9 min read


There is a short story written by Nathaniel Hawthorne called "The Birth-Mark". I had cause to remember this High School literature lesson yesterday on Christmas as I will explain momentarily. As I mentioned in my previous submission "Christmas Eve in Pattaya, a 27,000 Baht Day", a hot woman does not necessarily equal a great experience in the bedroom. For Christmas Day in Pattaya I really had no discernible plan but I wandered into the less than high-end sois. More on this but I will report on Christmas Day from the beginning and give some reviews of establishments I have visited so far today, the day after Christmas.

Christmas morning started with a bit of a hangover as I am sure many days for the next few weeks will. It turns out the free breakfast buffet that comes with your room at the LK Empress is decent. In particular they will custom make you an omelet. They have a variety of choices from Asian to Russian to sort of American breakfast items. They have a pancake machine. Press the button and 60 seconds later out comes two pancakes. Never saw that before. Since it is free I will give the whole thing high marks. By the way I now have hot water. I did a lot of nothing for most of the morning. It's funny how quickly sex and drinking get boring. Around 1 or so I end up on Soi 8 across from the Sunshine Hotel at a little hole in the wall bar I had visited last year. Anyway I stopped in at this bar wondering if the girl who tried to jump in the trunk of my S Class still worked at the bar there. Nope. She went to Bangkok. Of course. The ladies in there are very up in the years or fat for the most part. It's the bar to the left of King Bar. They really should just call it hole in the wall, but anyway, the mamasans were the same and they remembered me. I rang the bell and bought a round of drinks as I was the only non-employee in the place. All these ladies are nice but not attractive or young by any measurement..ok if you are 60 you might think they are young, I suppose. When I rang the bell a stunning…just stunning so petite girl comes out from the back. She had the best ass and a perfect body. Her face could be on a Bangkok lotion commercial….except she had a huge mole on the left side of her face. It was just below her cheek. Like the biggest zit anyone could ever had permanently attached to her face. The kind of facial mole that you struggle not to look at but fail repeatedly. I almost wanted to head to a doctor with her immediately and have it removed.

I and all the ladies talked about this and that. One of the older ladies who remembered me from last year was teasing saying…you have a small body I bet you have a small you know what as well. Ha! Not true I told her. Prove it she says. Geez. I was so tired from last night. But the hot girl with the mole says we go upstairs and see. I really didn't feel like it and we kept drinking. The mole girl keeps wanting to go upstairs and the other lady keeps teasing. After a few beers I say OK I will pay her barfine and take her upstairs. If it is small I pay per usual, if not it's free! They all agree, confident that I will lose the bet. Ok, hit the fast forward button and the girl comes limping down. They lost and I just had my first free sex ever in Thailand. Som Nam Na! I ended up tipping the girl 1k baht anyway later because I felt bad as I basically gave her everything I could to prove a point. Juvenile to be sure but I actually have nothing else better to do than this nonsense. Anyway, Mole Girl was amazing in bed. I think the mole kept her from being a top gogo girl but in bed she was amazing. Another piece of evidence. Imperfection is often closer to perfect than actual perfection.

I napped and showered and in the evening set out to find a Christmas dinner. Last year I had an amazing Christmas lunch buffet at Dicey Riley's. I had sort of forgotten exactly where this was and anyway, I wanted to try something different. I assumed big hotels like the Hard Rock would have something for Christmas. Wrong. I must have gone to 10 places. No one had Turkey, Ham, pie…none I could find. I ended up at a pub style place north of Gulliver's (Sorry I don't have the name. Basically the last place on beach road before the road turns off the beach. It is by Amari) and had an Aussie Steak, potatoes etc. 1k baht and it was incredible.

With my belly full I walk down to Soi 6. Man, that soi was rocking! I mean complete bedlam. Fat hookers running down the street in lingerie. People shooting fireworks in all directions. Ladyboys attacking people. Hello girls in all directions screaming for you. The assault on my senses was such that I walked all the way through and never picked a bar. One girl grabbed me and the first words out of her mouth were "You want short time?" Geez, well nice to meet you as well. Maybe it was the full belly and the large amount of sex I had indulged in already but it wasn't doing it for me. I proceeded to wrap around and hit soi 7.

I found the slowest bar with nothing going on. In milliseconds as the girls were trying to drag me in I noticed an open pool table and relented. The girl I had was again a stunner. Geez. I am lucking out. As we played pool I kept thinking she was giving me a sexy or a maybe a weird look. With the shadows however and her constant dancing to Thai music I wasn't sure what I was seeing. Eventually I figured it out, her left eye would sort of wander up every so often. It made her look like she had sexy bedroom eyes…or at least one of her eyes had a sexy bedroom look lol. She was very energetic but almost no English. That was ok because my new Nexus 5 had Google Translate readily available and I could type things to her in English that apparently spelled out perfect Thai. This was useful the entire night.

After we finished playing pool we sat out front for a bit in virtual silence. I watched the crazy happenings all around me. Fireworks shooting, again ladyboys attacking people's ass…it was really a sight. Suddenly a stocky, bald Englishman comes up to the girls at the bar I'm at and begins screaming at the girls. "You talked sh** about my friend!" "F U etc.." Then he walked inside to continue yelling and being pissed.

One of the girls next to me asks me, "What did he say?"

I told her slowly and she says back to me…"Oh…because I thought he says he wants to die in Thailand!"

She proceeds to make a phone call. Yikes. Time to get the hell out of here.

Through Google Translate I ask lazy eye if she would like to go dancing.

Yes she says.

Off to an early engagement with Insomnia disco.

Our motorbike taxis navigate the crazy traffic, we navigate the wall to wall people on Walking Street and end up at Insomnia and get a table. The dancers there dance so damn great. My girl and I drink and get pretty hammered. I really only mention this part of the evening for one reason. I learned that the Insomnia dancers can be barfined in the following way. Two huge..and I mean absolutely huge Russians come dancing in. Wow, they were giants. They get the table next to us. One jumps up and grabs one of the gogo girls and lifts her over his head. Security descends on him. She slaps him but they let him sit back down and he sort of calms down. When the girl finishes she sits next to him. The mamasan is called over and tells him 2k baht for a barfine. His jaw drops. He says no way. The girl leaves. Anyway, you can barfine those girls. I will be doing that for sure in the next couple of days.

Lazy eye is getting too drunk. We head back to the hotel. Fast forward. The girl was super in to it. Multiple times that night and in the morning. It was fabulous. Just awesome. At one point I literally forgot she was a bargirl and caught myself thinking how great of an experience this was…then realized oh wait, I'm paying for this!

Moral of Christmas Day…I guess there isn't one but I picked two beautiful girls with major physical flaws and had great sex both times. Just saying. I'm not sure that is a formula or anything but that is what happened.

The day after Christmas so far and it's early evening. I paid the balance for the Secrets yacht this morning. All total for the boat, food and alcohol for six girls plus me was 44K baht. Nothing else major to report but I do have one review of M Club. I just got back from there. I had seen the advertisements on Stick's website so I wanted to make a pilgrimage to there. Let me tell you DO NOT use Google maps to get there. Show the taxi the little map on their website. I ended up 2.8 km farther north than I needed to be. Nothing but dogs chasing me and fake shoes for sale.

M Club is off the beaten path. The girls there are mostly old. A few young ones. This was during the day. I'm assuming the girls are hotter at night, as is the case with most bars. They have an amazing pool area which no-one was using this day. Out front is a pool table and inside they have private booths were you can chat. I could imagine this could be a hopping place at night. The girls tell me there are a lot of older gentlemen who live in Pattaya with Thai wives who go there. It would be very hard for their Thai wife to track them down there. The crowd can be a mix of ages but the regulars are the sneaky locals. The girls say they know this because these men speak perfect Thai. They play classic rock which is a nice. It is owned by 3 Canadians. It seems to have changed hands within the couple of months. I only went there because I wanted to cross off another item on my Stickman bucket list. Again, I had a nice chat with the girls, drank a few beers etc.. A nice experience but very laid back.

The night of Dec. 26th awaits.

American Ling