Star Trekking in Pattaya
This story was offered as a script some years ago to Gene Rodenberry and the producers of Star Trek but for some unknown reason they declined to use it.
“Captain’s log Star-date 2382”
Captain Jean Luc Picard strode purposefully onto the bridge of the Starship Enterprise, the bright lights shining off his bald pate.
“Status report number one?”
“The ship is functioning within acceptable parameters but the crew are acting rather strangely” replied Commander Riker.
Captain Picard pulled down his tunic in a meaningful manner and settled into the captain’s chair. Immediately the faint vibrations of the ships engines prompted the beginning of an erection. Within a few minutes his tumescence was becoming decidedly noticeable. He carefully rose from his chair “The bridge is yours Number one I will be in my ready room” Once inside he locked the door and proceeded to crack off a quick one with the aid of his priceless collection of vintage Bajorean erotica.
With the departure of the captain Commander Will Riker returned to his daydream which involved rogering young ensign Wesley Crusher. A faint smile came to his lips as he imagined making the young cadet bite down on his star fleet academy text book to suppress his screams as he pounded his little smart arse without mercy.
In the past few days the Enterprise had passed within 20 light years of a stellar singularity, a rare phenomenon known colloquially as a “Pink hole”. Since contact with this singularity it would appear the crew had begun to act strangely and there were indications that many had become sexually ravenous.
His onanistic activity completed Captain Pickard decided to take a leisurely stroll to Ten Forward the ship’s recreation area to partake of a glass of vintage claret and perhaps a post ejaculatory cigar.
On entering the captain was shocked to see a group of the engineering staff performing a naked conga around the tables with a well hung young lieutenant at the rear screaming “form a circle, form a circle”. Upon witnessing this spectacle Jean Luc knew he must act decisively before this rampant behaviour spread and created a serious threat to ships discipline. Touching the communicator on his breast he issued the instruction “All senior staff to the conference room in five minutes”.
Once all the senior officers were assembled, Captain Picard called the conference to order. He turned to his science office the android lieutenant commander Data “Please give us one of your long detailed monologues which allows us to move the plot forward without the script writer having to develop scenes with expensive action by the characters or compose meaningful dialogue….sorry I mean please present your evaluation of our present situation Mr. Data.
Mr. Data, being an android and incapable of emotion merely replied “As you wish sir”.
He accessed his internal data banks and began” Since the 21st century the feminist movement and politically correct liberals on Earth began to gain considerable political power. With the first contact with alien races in the 22nd century and the formation of the Federation of planets these zealots had consolidated their power. They convinced the alien members of the Federation that the all human men were potential rapists and their base carnal tendencies should be subdued. After finding that 100 years of media indoctrination and the introduction of the death penalty for possession of Viagra had failed to completely extinguish natural male instincts, the authorities resorted to more drastic action. On the instruction of President Cherry Blur VIII and her all-female government, human males had microchips implanted in their brains. The slightest suggestion of an impure thought would result in unimaginable pain being transmitted through the neural pathways incapacitating or rendering the male unconscious for several minutes. By this extreme conditioning method male behaviour became subdued and subservient”.
Warming to the theme and without the expected interruption from his captain he continued “Ironically the Global Multinationals still sold cosmetics to females and the media still encouraged women to dress alluringly. However the government legislated that all females have their vaginal apertures sewn up with thin wire deuterium alloy when they reached the age of 16. Men were expected to divert their energies into working hard and paying extortionate taxes. This was to pay for the maintenance of the women the state had allocated as their dependants even though they were not allowed any contact whatsoever with them. Childbirth occurred by test tube in government laboratories so women no longer had to go through the indignity of childbirth or being subjected to the unpleasantness of physical relations with men”.
Captain Jean Luc remembered that back on earth sexual desire had been outlawed, pubs closed, arts and education replaced by feminist studies and the compulsory viewing of soap operas. An intelligent man he also reflected it was an antiseptic world totally devoid of passion. He interrupted the androids monologue "Thank you for the history lesson Mr. Data but please articulate our current situation regarding the crews conduct”.
Data thought that was what he was leading up to but accessed a new programme in his positronic brain and tried again “The Enterprise recently passed by a rare cosmic singularity known as a Pink hole. We all know a Black hole absorbs all adjacent matter and bends light whereas a Pink hole emits anti matter particles known as “Mon-Ger” waves. I believe these rays dissolved the controlling microchips in all our male crewmen. With the absence of the microchip their carnal instincts are no longer suppressed turning everyone on board into (to employ a human idiom) ….raging horn dogs”.
Captain Picard felt the stirrings in his own loins as if he had overdosed on Spanish fly. At this moment even ambassador Roxanna Troi, the horrendous mother of his ships counsellor was beginning to look attractive and he was seriously considering giving Guinan a good seeing to over the bar in Ten Forward as soon as this conference ended, he shuddered at the thought. At that moment he envied Commander Data who being android without emotion had remained completely unaffected.
Careful not to rise from his seat Jean Luc cleared his throat and enquired of his Staff “Any ideas gentleman?” Commander Riker was the first to reply” Should we make our way to the planet Raisa for shore leave and relief?” Picard had also considered Raisa which was the Federation’s recreational planet. His recollection was that the most risqué activity he experienced there was watching women in substantial bikinis throw beach balls to each other to no purpose. The place was as erotic as a 1950s underwear catalogue. Raisa was not the solution. He had a crew of 1000 priapic males who needed to get laid…..and quickly.
Data returned to his account “Captain the history of Earth has included many infamous venues where men could slate their lust with ladies of easy virtue. The cities of Sodom and Gomorrah are cited in your early history. However I have found reference to a city in a country known as Thailand in the late 20th and early 21st centuries that would have embarrassed even the most decadent citizens of those wicked municipalities. The city of Pattaya was not only considered the biggest red light district in the world but probably the biggest whore house in the history of the planet.”
The Captain interrupted once again “Thank you Mr. Data but I fail to see how a 21st century Asian knocking shop is of relevance to our current situation. Jean Luc was an intelligent and thoughtful man he realised the priapic effects of the Mon-Ger waves could have serious implications.
The Enterprise had a crew of 2000 souls. There was only 30 females on board so if you took away the sausage jockeys from the equation it left over 1500 male crew in a permanent state of tumescence that needed to be assuaged. Addressing the two females on his senior staff he asked” Ladies do you think we would be able to persuade the 30 females on board to abandon their feminist principles and accommodate the burgeoning desires of our rampant crewmen?”
The ships counsellor Deanna Troi was the first to reply “I doubt it Captain, their prejudices are too deeply ingrained now and there is still the issue of their vaginal lips being sewn together with deuterium wire.” She continued “however I am half Betazoid and was not born on Earth thus I have not been subjected to the skills of the intimate seamstress. So my orifice is unencumbered and available for duty sir.” Picard smiled to himself and thought I am not completely surprised I always thought you were a dirty little cat.
The second female Dr Beverley Crusher quickly interjected “Captain if the deuterium threads securing my own aperture could be removed I would also be willing to offer my services, I am sure I could accommodate a number of our rampant crewman ….in the cause of my duty and for humanitarian reasons of course” The Captain once again smiled inwardly as the doctor confirmed his suspicions that she was a bit of a goer. He thanked them for their offer but observed the task of servicing 1500 lust filled berserkers may be too much even for their over active libidos.
He was reminded of an ancient anecdote about a group of 50 sailors being cast adrift on a desert island with a solitary woman. After a week she was so revolted by what she had been doing she killed herself. After a week the crew were so disgusted with what they were doing they decided to bury her. After another week the crew were so ashamed at what they were doing they dug her up again.
Jean Luc considered he could also reinstate the old British naval tradition of “barrel night”. This was when on Friday evenings the crew would insert their members into a series of holes drilled in the old rum barrel. It was apparently a wonderful sensation and highly popular ….except when it was your turn in the barrel.
Commander Data was somewhat bemused that his Captain had cut him short as he was only halfway through his analysis and was about to propose a solution.
“Excuse me Captain may I proceed?”
This shook Picard from his reverie and he nodded his affirmation to continue.
The Android began “My analysis reveals that Pattaya may be the solution to our situation. I recommend that we create a facsimile of this city of sin in the holodeck and introduce our crew in groups to the dubious delights with the aim of satiating their lust.” If we gave groups of 100 crewmen five days in our simulated whorehouse we could quench the desire of 1500 crewmen in three weeks. It may be necessary to repeat the exercise at regular intervals but I believe work schedules could be organised to accommodate this.
Picard thought about the holodeck as a solution. It was a room equipped with a holographic projector containing multi directional diodes that by manipulating photons contained within force fields created holographic images. The main one on the Enterprise occupied 30,000 square metres, almost a complete deck of the ships saucer section. It was a very powerful unit that could generate a simulated reality. He could immediately see this technology as a potential solution. He asked Data what information he had on this city of Pattaya and was it sufficient to create a holodeck programme. It was the 23rd century he would need a technological solution.
Data explained “I have examined the historical records of the era; unfortunately the official accounts did not reveal much detail. However my studies of alternative sources were more productive. A website known as stickmanbangkok provided excellent information on the activities of the city from 1998 until 2020 when Thailand was invaded by China and the salacious activity appeared to be terminated. The only thing I could not establish was if Pattaya was a seaside resort as this did not seem to figure largely in the reports of the salubrious activities prevailing in the city.”
Picard asked if there was sufficient information available to allow a facsimile of this City of Sin to be created in the holodeck. Data described how he had gleaned detailed images of the bars and the girls who inhabited them. These sources included were numerous U tube videos and the Facebook page of Union Hill.
Geordie Laforge the chief engineer interjected “Sir I can set the holodeck suite to accept the programme created by Data I think we can have an interactive facsimile up and running by the end of the week.”
“Make it so”
As promised, Geordie and Data had the Holodeck programme working to give an interactive simulation of the Walking street area in Pattaya. Captain Pickard decided to head a small away team to examine the establishment before proceeding with the schedule of introducing the crew. He entered the holodeck accompanied by Commander Riker, Lieutenant Worf and Geordie Laforge. As the holodeck door closed behind them the party found themselves at the illuminated entrance to the infamous Walking Street. The Captain studied the brief Data had prepared and issued his instructions to his staff. “Mr. Laforge you will proceed along the beachfront to the area known as Coconut bar. Commander Riker you will investigate the area known as Pattayaland. Lieutenant Worf will accompany me on a perambulation down Walking Street.”
Strolling down Walking Street they were accosted by beautiful young scantily clad Thai women inviting them to enter their bars. They heard the greeting “hello hansum man” at every corner. Within a few steps they witnessed Thai police known as the boys in brown taking bribes, broken hearted men throwing themselves off balconies and hordes of Chinese tourists gawping at the decadence before them. Picard spotted a large open air bar and suggested they enter. Once they were seated a pretty little dark skinned beauty came to take their order. Picard ordered two Singha beers as suggested in the mission brief. As they waited for the drinks to arrive Picard noticed a group of elderly western gentleman discussing their Vietnam War experiences. He also observed a party of six Indian fellows sitting with one beer between them trying to negotiate a reduction for a large party with a bored bar girl. The drinks arrived and as Picard took a sip of his beer he observed the detail of this programme was quite impressive.
A few hundred yards away on the beach road, Geordie Laforge was being propositioned by a group of ladies who could best be described as being well past their sell by date. He reflected sometimes being blind had its advantages. Removing his visor would be akin to putting a brown paper bag over their heads.
Ignoring Pattayaland and finding Boyztown Riker had entered a bar and was mesmerised by the handsome young Thai bar boys. On the Enterprise Riker had a reputation as a ladies man and was quite a charmer. It was not common knowledge amongst the crew that Riker actually bowled from the pavilion end (or at least helped them out when they were busy). As he watched the show on stage which involved a muscled and oiled Thai man pounding the arse of a more delicate boy, he reflected I think I am going to enjoy this place.
Back in the bar on Walking Street Picard was joined by two pretty dark skinned girls dressed in tight shorts and T shirts. “You want lady for the night hansum man?” asked the one. Picard observed their tight little bodies and incredible smiles and replied “I think that would be an admirable suggestion my dear” He turned to Worf and asked “Would you care to partake of the pleasure of one of these ladies Mr. Worf?” Worf replied “I am afraid these ladies would be much too delicate for a robust Klingon coupling”. Pointing to two large ladyboys nearby he continued” Those two ladies there would be far more suitable” Picard was unsure whether to explain to Worf about Ladyboys. He then considered the unique physiology of the Klingon race. Because they were predominantly a warrior culture they had evolved a degree of redundancy in their physiology. Some of their key organs were duplicated and had two livers, 3 kidneys and 4 lungs for example. Picard speculated when he look them back to his room who was in for the biggest surprise. Would it be Worf when he realised the true nature of his ladies or the ladyboys when they discovered that a Klingon has two dicks?
The only male an on board the Enterprise not affected was a holodeck technician named Abdul Mohamed. He was a descendant of an ancient and long forgotten fundamentalist religion that once dominated the Middle East and North Africa. Its name is long forgotten but historians refer to it as the cult of the perpetually offended. For some reason of genetics the Mon-Ger waves did not affect Abdul in the same way as his colleagues. His head had become filled with thoughts of stoning adulterers and strapping explosives to his body. The lustful activities of his fellow crewmen filled him with disgust and seeing the Captain and his senior officers entering the den of iniquity that was being set up on the holodeck compelled him to launch his own jihad against the decadence.
He made his way to the armoury where under the prevailing chaos he was not challenged. He strapped explosives to his chest and returned to the entrance of the holodeck. Using his access code he activated the force fields isolating the local corridor and opened the panel to the holodeck controls.
Inside the holodeck Captain Picard noticed a small flash and saw the Walking Street scene slowly begin to alter before his eyes
The bar girls turned into grotesque Norsikans
The bar owners changed into Ferenghi
The ladyboys became Romulans
All the boys in brown transformed into Cardassians
The potbellied English louts turned into Klingons (so there was no noticeable change in behaviour)
The Captain realised he was witnessing the very epitome of hell, in panic he touched the communicator on his chest “Pickard to bridge….I think we have a problem”
Just as Commander Data received the distress call from the Captain, Abdul sent a message over the intercom. “This is Abdul Mohammad chief martyr of the people’s jihad. I have taken over the controls of the holodeck and have the senior officers as hostages. Unless you give in to my demands I will destroy the holodeck. I warn you not to approach me as I have explosives attached to my body which will blow up the transponder that controls the holodeck doors”. As the Senior Officer on duty Data had the authority to negotiate so enquired “Mr. Mohamed what are your demands?” Abdul thought for a moment but realised he actually had no idea what his demands were. “Err…” he said “I will get back to you on that”.
Dr Beverley Crusher was on the bridge alongside Commander Data and had heard the exchange. She had an idea how to gain control of the situation but first she needed to have the stitching in her vaginal area removed. She explained her plan to the Commander who agreed. In the medical centre Commander Data carefully removed the deuterium wire with the use of microscopic nanite oxy acetylene torches. The procedure was perfectly safe and Dr Beverley reported only a minor sensation of heat which she found mildly pleasant. With her aperture now unencumbered she sought the support of her colleague Counsellor Deanna Troi who was enthusiastic to assist. The two ladies made their way to the holodeck entrance but were stopped by the force field Abdul had set up. Seeing Abdul in the doorway they waved to him to attract his attention. Once they had his interest they began performing an erotic strip tease for his benefit. Totally mesmerised by their erotic gyrations Abdul stood open mouthed his mission forgotten. The ladies stood naked before his gaze.
Now it would not be fair to the gentle reader if I did not give a gratuitous detailed description of the sight that Abdul had before him.
Beverly stood almost 6’ tall with her elegant hands on her hips her long luxurious red hair cascaded down her back almost touching her waist. Her beautiful face was dominated by her full red lips which at that moment curled into a wicked smile that promised unimagined pleasures. A small journey south revealed a pair of large round breasts topped with delicate pink nipples. If you were in Abduls position you could not fail to notice a pair of exquisite flawless legs that seemed unfeasibly long shapely and seemed to stretch into infinity. They would slowly draw the eyes up to the apex and her neatly trimmed ginger bush that barely covered her prominent pussy lips.
Deanna was a little shorter in stature but no less provocative. Her dark hair hung in ringlets over her unblemished shoulders. Her small pert breasts sported long firm nipples that would have constituted a health hazard and have someone’s eyes out in a crowded room. Her gorgeous face and dark flashing eyes were awe inspiring but ones eyes would inexorably be directed to her soft belly and sweet pussy that was trimmed to a full Brazilian.
The tantalising sight of these two temptresses would have caused the most abstemious of hermit monks to wank themselves into a coma.
On seeing the sight Abdul’s eyes stood out like a pair of Norsikan bulldog’s bollocks and he was involuntarily drawn towards the force field that separated them. Beverley began to stroke her pink nipples whilst Deanna ran her hand across her soft belly and parted her pussy lips. Despite himself Abdul felt his erection becoming decidedly painful and uncontrollable. As he saw Beverley expose the hard bud of her sex Abdul whipped out his tumescent member and switched off the force field.
In a single movement Beverley pushed him to the floor and impaled herself on his erect tumescence. Deanna sat on his face and took control of the holodeck transponder from his grasp just as his violent ejaculation exited his blowpipe like a flock of Vulcan sky hawks.
Back in the Holodeck Picard noticed with some relief that the aliens had disappeared to be replaced again by the simulated citizens of the fair city of Pattaya.
Back on the bridge Data had managed to divert the conduits or some other techno babble to gain control and transported the away team safely back to the ships bridge.
With Abdul safely incarcerated in the ships Brig with an industrial vacuum cleaner attached to his member to keep him pacified, the holodeck was recalibrated and the Pattaya programme restored. The schedule of assuaging the crewmen’s lust was initiated and a marshalling area was established on holodeck No 2. This simulated an eight hour flight watching reruns of old films then a queue at immigration. Here the crewman purchased tokens they could exchange for services once they entered the holographic simulation of Pattaya. It was noticeable that when all the crewmen returned to duty after a five day vacation they had no tokens left. By the end of the month Picard had accumulated the salaries of the 1500 men of his crew.
On the next visit to a Star base word had spread and the “training courses” offered by the Enterprise became extremely popular amongst male members of all the Star ships in the fleet. Within the next two years the Enterprise made numerous journeys to the Pink hole singularity with a full compliment of eager male passengers. Picard had stumbled upon an extremely lucrative business.
Picard was finally forced to resign his commission. He had made enough money to buy the Enterprise which he got for a knock down price as it had a few miles on the clock. He had it equipped with four large holodeck suites. One supplied the illusion of travelling to Bangkok economy class on a 747 in the 21st century. Another holodeck created an augmented simulation of Walking Street. Dr Beverly Crusher worked as a mamasan in one of the bars. Another holodeck had simulated the area around Soi 6 where Deanna Troi worked tirelessly. The last smaller holodeck had faithfully reproduced Boyztown for those who were good with fabric colours and took their meat on the darker side. Commander Riker acted as tour guide in this district. Data and Laforge looked after the running and maintenance of the ship.
The Enterprise became a private vessel and was renamed the SS Happy Monger. It would collect its passengers from earth every month. They would fly within 20 light years of the pink hole phenomenon. This would dissolve the microchips implanted in the passenger’s heads who would spend two weeks of debauchery in their favoured holodeck. Each month 500 penniless horn dogs would return to Earth totally despunked and deliriously happy. Picard and his business partners Data, Dr Crusher Will Riker, Geordie La Forge and Deanna Troi became the richest corporation in the Federation.
Within five years 100,000 men had returned to Earth with their Mojo restored. This was the nucleus for a revolt against the liberal PC hierarchy. There were major changes, pubs reopened, men smoked in the street, broke wind with impunity and scratched their scrotums in public. Wolf whistles reappeared on building sites, it was clear the worm had turned. There were soon major uprisings against the feminist government of Earth with riots in the streets of the major cities. The palace of the Golden Vulva was finally stormed and the jack booted harridans of the feminist republican guard disarmed and imprisoned. The president Cherry Blur was captured and taken away by a rampant mob.
She was later found naked and chained to a lamppost in the central plaza coughing and spluttering totally covered from head to foot in a bukkake coating of semen. This had come from 5,000 dissident men who queued all night, gland in hand to take their turn to deposit the contents of their seminal vessels into the face of their erstwhile persecutor. Stuck to her spunk coated head was an advertising flyer for the SS Monger displaying its now legendary slogan, “To boldly monger where no man has mongered before”.