The Pretender's article should have been titled:
The price of Thailand Freedom appears to be I remain single but apparently I am a slave to sex with whores and my addiction to alcohol and I get to be delusional about western women and average married men in the west as I have no idea what an average person is or what an average relationship looks like in the west.
I have read many of the readers submissions over the years and the weekly column. I enjoy the site and the Thailand-centric perspective. I am generally not a judgmental person and just assume life is what it is and no one is perfect and we all have different personalities, likes, dislikes and wants in life.
My conclusion is that the majority (not all) of the individuals who visit Thailand or submit to this site are not average (by that I mean typical) Western people. I do not say that is good or bad, it's just my observation.
The reason I write is because of the last article by The Pretender. This article was so over the top that I have to admit for the first time I felt sorry for this individual and realize some who write are living in some world I have never seen. I would ask what planet these people live on.
A little about myself. I have been married once and divorced. I currently date a Thai woman. I have dated her for 4+ years. We are engaged. We will get married in the fall of 2014.
I am 45 years old, educated (CPA), average income, average looks. I am average in everyway. My fiancée is 38 years old average in everyway (BA, completing MBA), middle class, average income, above average looks (but typical attractiveness of most women I have dated).
The submission by The Pretender illustrates why many foreigners in Thailand have difficulty in relationships with women.
The Pretender actually believes that the average married man is miserable, doesn’t get any respect from work or at home. He actually believes that the average man is criticized, condemned and put down at every turn.
The Pretender actually believes that the average married man’s wife is controlling him to keep him from doing what comes naturally screwing every beautiful woman he sees. He thinks women shame and guilt men and get together to sing the praises and apparently plot strategy on how to shame and guilt men. He actually believes that men whisper and call him a sex tourist because of those controlling western women and secretly these men desire to lead the life he leads. He also apparently believes that men only get married for sex and that is the only reason they choose to get married or at least it is the primary reason.
The average married man gives a lot in a marriage but he also receives a lot from the marriage and / or relationship. When the man makes an effort to build a good, strong relationship with his partner he certainly will receive respect and appreciation from his wife / partner. Early in life my parents, coaches and teachers taught me that respect is not given, it is earned. I don’t believe the vast majority of women have unrealistic expectations and / or demands they want the man committed to the marriage just as they are. This is no different than when I played sports and I was expected to make an effort to make the team better and be committed to them. Nothing less, nothing more. The expectations my fiancée have for me are the same expectations I have for her.
The average married man I know does not have a controlling woman at home to keep the married man from doing what comes naturally which is to f**k as many beautiful women as possible.
First let me say that if the man chooses to get married and commits to a relationship but is still trying to screw as many beautiful women as possible, he is not the average married man.
The women I know would not try to control this type of average married man. They would send him packing because they have too much self-respect to put up with that type of s**t.
Most men I know who are married may look at a beautiful women and fantasize but they do not act upon this. They do not want to throw away the good life they have nor do they want to hurt the person they love for a short time of instant gratification. They do not need a woman to control their actions as they have the character, strength and integrity to control their own actions. I also like a good rib eye steak but I don’t eat the whole damn cow! I control the amount I eat. The ability to not act upon impulse is what makes me different from a child and / or an animal. I am sure my fiancée notices some hunk of a man and fantasizes also but I don’t need to control her either! I trust her to control herself and if she can’t do that then she is not relationship material and I believe most women feel the same way about a man.
If your natural inclination while married is to screw as many beautiful women as possible, I think instead of complaining about women trying to control that inclination you should be asking why you made a commitment to this woman and took vows to be faithful etc.
Who has the character flaw – the so-called controlling woman or the man who made a commitment but now complains and whines about honoring that commitment?
As I mentioned earlier, I am engaged to a 38-year old Thai woman. She is middle class with conservative values and I would assume most men would find her attractive. She is the typical type of woman I date except she happens to be Thai instead of American. I have found dating her no different than the women I have dated before her. She has expectations, I have expectations and we work to find common ground. The only difference I have noticed is we have the additional burden of working through cultural differences and misunderstanding. We work through those because we love each other, care for each other and respect each other. I am attracted to Jessica Alba. I think she is one of the most beautiful women in the world, but I would not trade a romp in the sack with her for my relationship with this incredible person I will marry. Why you might ask and that is because I respect my fiancée. I know she is an incredible person and is worth that commitment from me. If she wasn’t, I wouldn’t make the commitment.
When we have a disagreement, I don’t think about running in to the arms of a beautiful woman. I think about what we need to do to move past the disagreement. I find this to be true of most married men and for that matter women I know.
My thought is if your options in life are choosing a nagging, controlling western woman or a beautiful Thai whore maybe you need to look in the mirror and determine why these are the only options available. Maybe instead of complaining about the woman, the person should look at improving themselves. My experience is character attracts character. I think it is like a lesson my parents taught me early in life. If you get in trouble in every grade in school it is probably not the teacher – it's probably you. Yes, in isolated incidents it may be the other person, but if you keep having the same bad experiences with western women or any women for that matter it may not be the woman!
The truth is the average married man does not have a wife who is constantly nagging him, controlling him, criticizing him and putting him down at every turn. Most married men I know have wives who are supportive of their husband and try to support him to reach his goals and is a willing and capable partner who rejoices in the good times and is there for their partner during the struggles in life.
If the average married man doesn’t please his wife then he doesn’t get sex and that is the reason he married her in the first place. I agree, if your wife is upset with you, you are not getting sex that night but then again the makeup sex can be great. I still don’t believe most women use sex as a way to control a man’s behavior or as a weapon and I would suggest if your primary purpose for getting married was sex then you probably should not be getting married. In fact if my primary purpose and goal is sex, marriage would not be the strategy I would use to accomplish this goal. I would try to stay single with no kids and very little responsibility to not distract me from my goal. Marriage has many components: kids, family, responsibility and sex is just one component of a marriage and because of competing responsibilities and diversion of time I fully expect that while I will have an active sex life it will decrease from my single days. It is one sacrifice of many I will gladly make to build the fulfilling life I want. I will be honest, I just went WOW! When the writer said the purpose of getting married was to have sex. I may be old-fashioned but I am getting married because I love the person, I want to spend the rest of my life with this person, I can’t imagine anyone I am more compatible with and I want to build a good happy life together based upon mutual respect and a desire to make each of us better together than we could ever be as individuals.
I think the most astonishing break from reality and what married life is like for the average man was the writer’s delusion of women getting together to sing the praises of guilt and shame as a way to control men. And all this time I thought those women upstairs at my house playing Bunko and gossiping (while the men are downstairs playing cards) were just enjoying themselves socially and enjoying a night out. I thought their laughter was genuine happiness. I thought their sharing about life’s good and bad times was just bonding. Little did I know or the other 10 married men downstairs know they are actually part of some sinister sisterhood sorority hell-bent on plotting the destruction of men’s happiness.
If I am tall, I assume people are going to say and think I am tall. If I am fat, I assume people are going to say or think I am fat. If you are a sex tourist why would you think people are not going to say or think you are a sex tourist. Hint: If you are going to Thailand or any other country to screw as many whores as you can then you are a sex tourist. I do not say that is bad or good, it is a fact, just as the grass is green and the sky is blue. So don’t be surprised when people call you a sex tourist and look at you like you are a sex tourist when in fact you are a sex tourist! I don’t think most men need a women to shame and guilt them to come to this conclusion. My fiancée does not need to make me feel guilty or shame me. I don’t envy nor do I want that lifestyle. Getting laid by a woman who has slept with thousands of other men and God knows what some of the men were like just doesn’t appeal to me. To be honest, I doubt these people are your friends. When your sole purpose in life is to get drunk and screw as many women as possible you are not well rounded enough for most people. I like all those things but it isn’t the only thing I want to talk about. I also love basketball but if a person I know only thinks about basketball and it consumes him, we are not going to be friends either because I will find him boring also. I am sure many of the wives of your friends in the west do not like you but I seriously doubt it is because of your lifestyle, but because of your utter contempt for women and the men probably do not like you because of your utter contempt for their wives.
In conclusion, I am not condemning the lifestyle some choose in Thailand. It works for some. In reading your site it seems Pattaya Gary for example is well rounded and has a healthy perspective but understands he is not comfortable with marriage or monogamy and prefers P4P and just accepts that is what makes him happy. He doesn’t blame his lifestyle on western women or women in general. He just lives the life he wants that makes him happy and could care less what other people think. Admirable qualities in my opinion.
I guess my thought is most men do not envy The Pretender. They are not unhappy in their marriage and in fact most people who are happy people will be happy whether they are single or married and the same goes for unhappy people.
I know the article is not the life story of the average married man or the thought process of the average married woman.
Very well said!