Advice: Isaan Love Gone Wrong
I just started reading your site, columns and reader stories and I find them to have a lot of truth in them. I wish I had known what I know now a few years ago. It could have saved me a lot of heartache, along with time money self-respect.
What I am hoping for is probably impossible, but if you have any words of encouragement or advice for me on my situation I would greatly appreciate it.
My situation is similar to a lot of horror stories I have heard and read about farang men and Thai women.
I first came to Thailand in 2003. I was 36 years old and disillusioned with being a misfit in the US. I lived in Korea for a year when I was 19 / 20, loved East Asia, and pined for it for years. It just took me years to find a way to make and save money to travel.
I didn't come to Thailand for bargirls or to find a wife. I just wanted to see how people live and have some fun too.
After 2 trips of several months to Ao Nang, Krabi, I met a lovely lady named Nit. She was working at the Thai / Isaan restaurant that I had frequented the last 2 trips.
We were introduced by one of the owners and he suggested I join her for a beer some time. I asked her if she wanted me to come by and she said sure. My life would never be the same.
We spent a lot of time together and I loved being with her. Her English wasn't very good. She worked and lived at the restaurant. She was honest and upfront immediately about having 2 kids in Mahasarakham and for whatever reason, she liked me enough to spend all of her time with me rather than other guys who probably had more money and time to give her as I have to work in Alaska to bank enough money to be here.
Anyway, after a few months it was time to go back into the harsh Alaskan Winter and get back to work. I didn't give Nit money and she didn't ask. I didn't want to be taken advantage of. I loved her, and I wanted to help but I was wary. I would go back and forth between Alaska and Thailand a couple more times, and always for Nit. I loved her and trusted her enough to move her back home to be with her kids who were 6 and 2 when we met. Almost immediately, Nit was pregnant. She had stopped taking her birth control pills and I was scared to death. Almost 40, I had never been married and had never planned on being a father. We built a proper house to bring our baby in to the world and all seemed well for the family.
Life continued on much the same. Working in Alaska and coming "home" twice a year. One shorter visit, one a few months longer. We then got a piece of land right down the road from the house where we were living. We were still not married but I considered Nit as my wife. I wanted to stay out of debt and take our time putting up a house. We had a place to live and life was pretty good. But Nit had to have a new house and she was the boss. I would work and I would pay and I would worry.
The house was finished last year and although it's way too gaudy for my taste, Nit and the kids had a new home. This July while working in remote Alaska I was informed that Nit didn't feel the same, and that her ex boyfriend was retiring and moving to Thailand. I was shocked, hurt and angry. After finishing my work, I returned to Thailand (unhappily for the first time) to find my family now living with a 57-year old Canadian. (Nit is now 34.) I am just numb.
Everything looks the same and there is just one difference. I'm not there. He is.
I knew our relationship wasn't perfect but I knew that I loved her and my daughter and also cared for her family as well. Going in to all of this I realized that I had no rights and that I owned nothing really. I figured that worst case scenario I had built houses for my daughter and her family. Nit's family is still good to me and my little girl adores me but I am staying in a hotel room in town while some retiree enjoys the life I had worked so hard for.
I am bitter and resentful that Nit could be so callous. I loved her for 8 years and took care of her kids and parents only to be thrown away. Sorry is all I could get. I see my girl once or twice a week and I find myself feeling empty.
If you have any advice please email me. I appreciate it.
Stickman 's thoughts:
I really feel for you. This is an awful situation and being apart from your daughter must be very hard.
It would seem Nit's heart is with another man and trying to change that probably won't achieve anything. That she has done what she has done is, in my mind, unforgiveable. I would eliminate any thoughts you may have of trying to get her back. That she sounded like a bit of a tyrant, wanting things her way makes me wonder about her character.
There is the situation of your daughter to consider.
You need to think hard and decide what you want going forward. I guess that you will want to be able to see your daughter. I would look at getting some sort of legal document drawn up which allows that. Contacting a lawyer would be the way to go and if this is something you want to pursue, I can provide a lawyer's contact details.
I'd also consider contacting the Canadian and simply putting your side of the story forward and saying that you wish to continue to see your daughter. Best to try and get him on side and if he is a reasonable sort he will understand where you're coming from. If he disagrees or is unreasonable then other options can be looked at.