Stickman Readers' Submissions November 18th, 2013

A Trilogy, 2 of 3: The Phantom Menace

And then there was Grace. What could I say about Grace; sexy, fun, smart, mental, crazy, clinically insane.

It all started innocently one night in a sports bar in Ho Chi Minh, a sports bar that as soon as you stepped over the door you could be anywhere in the world. Same sh*t different country. It did have one thing though, for that particular night they were showing the Scottish Cup Final and my small team were in the final. So myself, one of the other Albania 10 (Just who are the Albania 10?), Derek, went to the bar to watch the game.

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It was a disaster.

Our wonderful team lamely succumbed to one of the tyrants of Scottish football and to add insult to injury, at half time, four of five guys appeared supporting the other team! It was turning into a miserable night and after the final whistle I was for going home, but Derek reasoned (required more alcohol) that all was not lost and we headed off to Apocalypse Now.

Apocalypse Now is an institution in the city. This nondescript nightclub on two floors is nearly always packed with the great and good and not so good of Saigon and everything in between. The ground floor is a lot like another institution, Manhattans in Shanghai, ladies of all sizes and description selling their wares. Not quite ‘love you long time honey’ but at times not a kick in the arse away. The second floor, where the working girls were not allowed was more of a normal nightclub and up the stairs we went. And there, on the dance floor was a beautiful apparition. She was small and slender in her short black dress and black heels. Her dark shimmering skin, every inch a perfect Filipina. I was hooked. We started to dance and things went very well indeed and as we parted we swapped phone numbers. Yes, Derek may actually have been right, the night may not have been a loss after all.

As my angel headed home there was a commotion behind me.

Derek had opened a beer and threw it over a group of girls who refused to speak to them, shouting “stuck up b*ches” as he did so. At least he didn’t have the bad taste or alcohol consumption to call the ‘Lesbians”.

He always had a way with women! Actually Derek did always have a way with women, he always had a harem around him, god only knows how he did it, he had a flat like a doctors surgery, a gynecologist's to be precise.

Anyway, the time with Grace, as that was the apparition's name, was amazing. Yes, there were sob stories and cash flow issues, but she was my first Filipina and I had a lot to learn, but the sex was great and she was very ‘outgoing’. My trip to first base (right boob) was in the restaurant at lunch time, to the distain of the other patrons and staff, I wasn’t for caring. A trip to the cinema left me rather stunned (pleasantly) as heavy petting lead to much, much more and her petite frame made the maneuvering in the near empty cinema a lot easier as we f**ked to Kong Fu Panda, a film I really hope never to see again now.

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It was with Grace that I took my first trip to the Philippines, staying a few nights in Manila before on to the province. It was in Manila I met a few of her friends, all nice and friendly, and all, at some point in the future to hit me with a sob story about money and a need for help. All to be declined.

We were in a restro/bar/nightclub in Makati when one of her friends asked me if it was okay if her other friend tagged along, I was in good form, having a good night and pretty naive and so I agreed.

She said, ‘she is a little different’ is it okay? Of course that's fine I replied.

A little while later she asked again “are you sure it's okay?”

Of course I said and I ask Vincent, the Filipino boy who was with us, if he knew this person that was coming.

He said he didn’t.

A short while later, she asked me again, “Now are you sure it's okay, she is a little different?”

A little hesitantly this time I say, of course.

I turn to Vincent and ask him again “What does ‘a little different’ mean?”

At that point, the door opens and he is standing there, in his high heels, short dress, ample boobs and manly hands. Vincent declares “I F**king hate ladyboys!” just in case I hand grasped what I was looking at and the scene was set for an awkward night.

A little while later I am put on the spot as the ladyboy asks me and Grace to his/her house for lunch the next day.

How could I refuse without being offensive, so reluctantly I agreed and I spent the next 14 hours crapping myself.

The time passed all too quickly and here we were, Grace and I, standing at the door being welcomed by the ladyboy to his humble abode. We cross the threshold, the point of no return. I’m expecting whips and chains, a dungeon maybe. Pictures of The Village People on the Wall. A giant shoe collection. Certainly a giant black dildo. Instead he/she had a spread of nibbles and coke. We sit down, myself on the edge of my seat, like Spiderman and his ‘spidey-sense” my ‘homophobe senses’ are tingling, I push my arse firmly into the sofa, thou shall not pass! His/Her mother walks through from the kitchen with a bowl of rice. I’m looking at this 40 something woman, petit and dignified as she stands there. She is saying hello to me and all I want to say is, ‘You do realise your son has boobs?’

She seems not to notice this fact or that he has heels and skirt on. I am horrified!

Then from upstairs stairs the ladyboys sister comes down and she is absolutely stunning, model material, I dribble a little in to my coke and nibbles and hope, for my mercy, that she is in fact a female and I am not being attracted to a ladyboy. Without a ladyboy detector at hand (walking about with an upturned mirror on a stick unless your hanging around car parks is a little weird) I cannot be sure and I spend the next few ours breaking bread with a dysfunctional family that all in all are alright and very hospitable. And luckily, through conversation it is confirmed the stunning, attractive sister, is in fact a sister with all the parts in the right place. Thank got for that!

Things would never last with Grace. She was mental and it is actually possible to run out of public places to have sex. Her subtle requests for money were getting excessive and less subtle and it was time move on. I am thankful to her, as we had some great times. She introduced me to Filipinas and made me wary of the sob stories that everyone seems to have in South-East Asia where embellishment is the key word. She also raised my awareness of ladyboys and to this day my radar stays finally tuned so I do not get MORE than I bargained for, which is something that is essential living in the Philippines.

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