Yom Jum-Non Fah-Din – ยอมจำนนฟ้าดิน (Surrender To Heaven And Earth)

My name is Ying and this is my story. It was a long time ago but I can still remember as if it were only yesterday – you know how some memories always seem to stay alive and very close? Although, sometimes I have wondered if it may have been easier to have forgotten the parts that hurt – but I guess you have to take the whole package, don't you?

Like so many ladies in Thailand, I was always frightened of becoming old before having the opportunity to marry and have a family. Many of us see ourselves as old and being left "on the shelf" if we are not married or in a permanent relationship by age 30 – and I was no different to others, believing the same. I married a Thai man in Chiang Rai who had a secure job that paid well – and we had one daughter together. Our house was a normal, average type house – but it was comfortable and life seemed to be all that I had wanted from way back as a little girl.

We have a habit of believing that, if things go bad in life for us, it must be due to something that we did in the previous life – so, of course, this is what I believed when things started to fall apart in the marriage, ending in divorce. I took my daughter back to stay with my Mama and Papa, who had a lamyai orchard just south of Chiang Mai because I wanted my daughter to experience the love that I had known as a little girl. I still remember my Papa carrying me on his shoulders when I was very small – and I thought it was so wonderful, pretending I was riding on the back of this big charng on the way up to The Temple.

As often happens when a marriage ends in divorce in Thailand, there was no maintenance payments for my little girl – and I could not live for nothing with my parents, as they were not rich. I took a job as a bar hostess – the truth being I would do anything to make sure my little girl was brought up well and had a good education. Time passes quickly and she is now 20 years of age and at university. She has a good poochai who treats her very well and perhaps they may marry at some time. There has never been any contact from her father who, I have heard, now has a new mia.

In my job there are many different people that I encounter – but I never take anything they say as the truth. People will often say the things they think you want to hear – so you tend to be suspicious of most things you hear, even though you let them think that you believe what you are told. This is true across the board – no matter if they are Asian or Farang. In this job, you have heard it all – yet still wondering if there could be someone out there who would be honest – someone whom you could really love and who would return that love.

It was just like any other night at the bar – early actually, when he walked up to the open doors and looked at me. He was a tall Farang and wai'ed to me – an act I was not expecting – but I returned the wai, with a smile – and I asked him if he would like to come in for a drink. He smiled back and said that he would like to do that. Many Thai ladies hope that a Farang will take them back to his own country for a new life – but I was not like that because I felt the obligation to my parents and was quite happy living in Chiang Mai, watching my daughter grow up.

We sat together at the bar and I felt that he was different to many of those I had seen coming through here. We exchanged introductions and he ordered a couple of drinks – a lady drink for me and beer for him – and the conversation flowed quite easily between us. It was like we had met before – it felt so natural and comfortable.

That was the start of something that became more than either of us was expecting – a bond that was to last almost a year together, during which we did what I had always dreamed would happen. He was generous and very loving and we had even discussed the possibility of marriage and buying a house in Chiang Mai. I remember my Papa asking him if he wanted to marry with me – and his reply was that he would love to marry with me but could not until his divorce was granted from his present wife. They no longer lived together in his country. He took a liking to my parents and my daughter and was always very respectful – and we would always go once each week, as a family, to have dinner on Sunday evening at a nice restaurant that was not far from where my parents lived. By now, we were living together in a hotel, 24 hours each day – we were like Siamese twins but it never seemed enough.

He told my Papa and he also told me that he had financial difficulties in his homeland – something I was not sure I believed as I had heard that quite a few times before from others. I was doubtful of this because he was always able to draw money from the ATM, bought gold for me and appeared to be never concerned about money when we went shopping.

He told me that financial problems back home had created a situation where he would need to go back to his homeland to sort things out – but that he would come back as soon as it was possible to do so. The last night together was very difficult – packing up and preparing to move out the next morning, I could tell that he was very stressed out and emotional. I was feeling the same things but I went to the airport with him and we stayed together, holding hands, until the time came when he had to go through Security. Well, weeks passed by and he would call me every evening without fail – then the weeks turned into months, contact by phone became less frequent and I began to believe that he would not be coming back. Occasionally I would get an e-mail from him – and he actually did come back to me 2 years later but it was only for a short visit of 14 nights and he had to leave again – promising that he would come back – and that he still loved me. This year, he made contact again by e-mail and there was a short call on telephone – but so far he has not been back since then.

Opinions about Thai ladies who work as bar hostesses appear to be that these ladies are incapable of genuine feelings of love and, yes, that is true in many cases – still, I know that what we had was genuine. I never forget those times and do not understand why we are not together – all I can think of are the words from this song: Yom Jum-Non Fah-Din … ยอมจำนนฟ้าดิน (Surrender To Heaven And Earth).

I blame Heaven and Earth for allowing us to meet

But denying our union

Heaven and Earth are torturing us on purpose

Why is our love forbidden?

Is it because we were ill-suited to last?

Although my heart wants this – in the end I must surrender

(*Bridge)

*Before our paths diverge

*Before our dreams come to an end

*I wish to see you one more time – look in your eyes again

(A)

Just so I can say a few words to you

Of the day I'll remember – our farewell

I want you to know that I love you so much

And I'll love you – love you forever

(B)

We were only able to meet this lifetime

Let's renew our dreams in the next lifetime

My heart is shattered today

I surrender to Heaven and Earth tearing us apart

Guitar turnaround

Is Heaven and Earth satisfied yet

To see a humble person

Crying in pain and suffering?

This world has so many people

Why did we have to be the ones to suffer?

I surrender already – hope they're satisfied

(*Bridge)

(A)

(B)

Guitar turnaround

(A)

(B)

Darling, why Heaven and Earth arrive, not understand

Many years have passed by since then and I no longer work in the bar – mostly, I take care of my parents now and help my younger sister with her business. I have no poochai in my life now – yet, looking back, I often wonder if he feels the same things that I feel. I never feel like this before, so I am sure we have met in a previous lifetime and I still feel that closeness.

Perhaps our union will be allowed in the next life.