Readers' Submissions

From the Formicary

  • Written by Markin
  • September 2nd, 2013
  • 5 min read




My name is Martin and I have been legally married to Ant for thirteen years. A success.

An interest in Thailand will change your life.

Thailand may not have been colonised (so much the worse for Thailand) but Thailand may come to colonise you. The process probably starts with you reading about Thailand, looking at pictures and images of Thailand (of whatever nature – no judgements here) and taking an interest in the price of airfares to Thailand. Then you may go to Thailand – more interest of course. You return with Thai ornaments and pictures and stuff to decorate your home (and of course you have the photos). You read more, perhaps about Thai culture and history and Thailand’s best beaches (perhaps that dump of Jomtein Beach wasn’t after all the sub-tropical paradise you thought it was at the time).

You go to Thailand again.

Maybe you will met someone and return with her to your homeland. Of course now you will take even more interest in Thailand. You get Thai satellite TV and find interesting Thai language sites on the Internet for your wife and for yourself you will read more on the Internet about Thailand its beaches, culture and history. Why wouldn’t you – it’s being married after all.

But more, much more, is to come as the colonization will continue.

At first it’s as though you get up one morning and find out just too late that a family of geckos has chosen your shoes as a home. OK, never mind. But they are armed with shape needles and they are disgruntled, about what you’re not sure (and you never will be). The gecko family will multiply and occupy all of your shoes (except one pair if you lucky man). You will try to ignore the pesky little critters.

But more! From time to time a large gang of komodo dragons will appear. You know not from where and they are always unexpected. Komodo dragons are never welcome and they cannot be ignored.

Now you will find that a goodly part of your life is taken up with small and large lizard related issues.

At school I was taught to illustrate the general with specific examples. So, here in the formicary a small lizard issue has been SKYPE. Not really a battle (in the great scheme of things), more a running skirmish – been running for three weeks.

Ant genuinely did not know anything about computers or the internet when she arrived in England’s green and pleasant land – except they were somehow about sex (and not in a good way connected). I retired and purchased a laptop (previously I’d let my employer pay for my computing and internet costs). There was great suspicion of the laptop.

A friend of Ant named Gop showed her several Thai language sites and got her on to Facebook (as an aside, I didn’t know ants and frogs could be friends or as is the case with Thai women temporary allies against the duplicitous farang). Ant took to the computer and spends near three hours each day on it (to add to the two hours looking at Thai satellite TV and the further hour on the phone to her Thai sons and their wives and hour and a half cooking Thai food which I don’t eat).

I was happy about this. But the time Ant spent on the Internet transferred to money I spent on the Internet as I paid the bill (of course). I found a solution I thought – get an unlimited broadband package, start to pay for phone calls (previously free with the package I had) and get SKYPE for those essential (that is every day) calls (to Thailand).

I knew what was to come when I proposed SKYPE (as it has happened many times before).

I explained the position and that we should get SKYPE.

Ant, “What you talk about?”

“SKYPE.”

Ant, “Sky? What you talk about? Sky”

“No, SKYPE.”

“What you talk about? Skyppeee. No have. What you talk about?

“No SKYPE. It way make phone calls with computer.”

“Skipeee phone? Who phone? What girl Skippee?”

“No, SKYPE for computer. Free.”

“Skipee farang woman? Farang woman same dog, f#@k for free.”

“Computer? What you talk about? You met her computer. NOT POSSIBLE. WHAT YOU TALK ABOUT?”

The volume was rising. Time to disengage from the skirmish.

But hostilities were resumed later that week.

Ant, “Friend at work tell me about Skerpee. No good. You want look Thai girl no clothes.”

“No, I just want phone and computer bill go down.”

Disengage battle.

A week later AND I had not mentioned the issue.

“Skirpie no good. Friend say. You bad man. I not lucky same Tig.” from: http://www.stickmanbangkok.com/ReadersSubmissions2013/reader8275.htm

“Yes, we’ve said that before. She lucky, her husband is dead. But, look I talk about SKYPE. Can make phone and see sons and grandson with camera.”

“What you talk about. Thailand no have Skipreee. No, bad man. Young girl no clothes. I not lucky same Poon.”

“Yes you say before, Poon lucky. Her husband is dead.”

Four days later, I had not mentioned the issue.

“Someone say Chinese man flat Ding Daeng have Skirpee.”

We are getting there. The issue will be talked about amongst work colleagues, friends here, sons, relatives in Thailand, friends in Thailand and more. Soi dogs will be consulted (they often make the most sense). And when it is discovered that indeed Ant will be able to use the computer to phone her sons and have a camera link, we will get SKYPE – it will take 5 minutes. But then…we will have to get one of the sons (or one of their wives to get Skirpee too).

This was only a small lizard issue.

Next time a Komodo dragon issue.

That’s not all folks.