Readers' Submissions

From the Formicary – Hermann Goring Pays a Visit

  • Written by Markin
  • September 24th, 2013
  • 8 min read



The Strip Gogo Bar Bangkok


Gecko and komodo issues probably can be differentiated according to how much dosh is involved.

Gecko issues may involve little if any dosh/wonga/mulla (they are simply tiresome and time consuming – pesky little critters). Komodo issues are always unexpected, cannot be ignored and always involve plenty satang.

It is thought that Hermann Goring said, “When I hear the word culture I reach for my gun.” It has probably been established that he in fact said, “When I hear the word culture I reach for my revolver.” (Or it might have been from a play by Hanns Johst (8 July 1890 – 23 November 1978). Who cares? Not me.

When I hear the words, “revolver” and “culture”, I think of Ant’s eldest son.

First, the scene (of the ‘crime’) must be set and examined – we all watch CSI. So before reading on put on the latex gloves (if you really must) – you know the form.

I wish I had Ant’s eldest son’s life (well some of it). He is now in his late thirties. Until last year he had never had a regular job. (I like many had to wait till late middle age not to have a regular job). Now, having become ‘a family man’, he does have a career in security. He is a nightclub bouncer in Bangkok. A job with a future you’ll agree.

Yes, the future is bright for him; one day Ant will be lucky woman (the same as Tig, Poon, Surnam etc etc).

The younger son – early thirties – still does not have a regular job. He had one for a few months but it made him tired. So he stopped.

So how did eldest fund life before his carefully considered entry into the labour market? How does the younger son continue to fund his life (including his 5* marriage reception last year)?

Get real!!!!! Via mum.

Ant works hard at a low paid job here in London. Ant is frugal. Money flows to Thailand. She pays the rent, water bills, electric bills for both sons plus an monthly allowance plus half the hire-purchase on the new car purchased for eldest son, plus the insurance on that car – but not, as it transpired, insurance on his BIG black motorbike. See http://www.stickmanbangkok.com/ReadersSubmissions2013/reader8308.htm . And of course the sons have the run of our (sorry Ant’s) house in Jomtein. Ant and I share the cost of medical insurance for eldest son’s son (nick-named Satang. Look I couldn’t make it up. I don’t have the imagination. Yes!!! Satang). Ant and I also share medical insurance costs of eldest son’s step daughter – he didn’t care, “She not my blood. Farang think too much, Buddha blah blah blah. Me good driver etc etc).

Before I met Ant, eldest son had served eighteen months in a Bangkok prison (I’d rather be smeared with beef extract and thrown to Komodo dragons). He had stabbed another guy in an argument over a woman. “It not he fault. Other man drunk. Don’t talk about my sons. I die for my King etc etc.”

It nearly broke Ant’s heart. “I not have money keep him out monkey house. I not lucky woman same…. (you know the form). Not he fault. Other man drunk. Witness say. Don’t talk about my sons. I die for my King etc etc.”)

On visits to eldest son in monkey house Ant met Prah whose son was also in monkey house. Prah introduced me to Ant. (The flapping of butterfly wings in Brazil causes flatulence in goats in Belgium. Or something like that).

On release eldest son settled into a steady life (funded by his mum). He was/is a hansum man (he is, really). He spent his time on the planet wisely. A local karaoke star, with a voice like several cats being strangled. Hey, it/he attracted the ladies – many ladies. He was also a semi-pro footballer, a goal keeper, travelling up and down Thailand. And of course there was the BIG black motor bike and Nazi style crash helmet. He attracted the ladies – many ladies.

I got the English league team I support to part sponsor his team, I was the other sponsor. Additionally I designed their playing strip (it had ‘Orient in the Orient’ on the back of the shirt. Nifty huh? Londoners will get it). They got their ‘photo into the London team’s match day programme (twice). God, I WISH this had happened to ME. His team won some Thai cup competition – photos were sent to mum. They were wearing a different strip.”New sponsor give more money. What you talk about? Buddha blah blah. Me good driver.” Ho hum.

I was once ‘in’ a out-door restaurant with eldest son and his ‘girlfriend’; he went for a pee ……. with a girl he had met in the shadows outside the loo. Look this is real. I do not lie or exaggerate. It happened. He attracted the ladies – many ladies.

Now, I have only Ant’s version of the revolver incident. YOU try getting some kind of accurate description of events from Ant or any other Thai woman when it involves ‘Face’ and/or their sons. Don’t bother with truth serum as it has been scientifically proven not work on Thais but water-boarding may prove effective and is considered legal when applied to Thai woman.

It started with an argument over gold. Eldest son had given some to a woman (I suspect it was a gold necklace I had given to Ant – but then everything flows to Thailand). He wanted it back. Her head made contact with a door. “Not he fault. She drunk. Witness say. Don’t talk about my sons. I die for my King etc etc.” Reparations were made – I found out later.

Eldest son still wanted the gold back. He visited the lady. Her brother was there. With the gold? No, with a gun.

Eldest son was at a disadvantage – no gun. He went to his brother’s room. The younger brother was then in the Thai army (conscripted). Being in the army made him tired. Younger brother’s revolver was borrowed.

Back to the lady and her brother on equal terms? NO. Her brother now had two guns. (Look, I could NOT make this up). Eldest son was again at a disadvantage – only one gun. Off he went. But the Thai army is cheap-Charlie and only gives one revolver to each conscript. What to do? Give up and consider it to be one of life’s unfortunate insurmountable obstacles? No. Off to Sukhumvit. Why? Perhaps in search of a monk to consult and receive merit from? No – in search of more fire power.

At some point one of the lady’s neighbours must have thought enough was enough and reluctantly but mercifully phoned the police.

Eldest son was picked up on Sukhumvit (with only one revolver).

If this is not an accurate account don’t blame me. Try asking Ant but don’t bother with truth serum as it does not work on Thais but water-boarding may prove effective and is considered legal when applied to Thai woman – have fun (I’ll watch if I may).

It took me some time to get this story – it came out only because all other financial avenues had been explored by Ant. I, like the Bank of England, was the lender of last resort. I truly can’t remember how much went to the Police Benevolent Fund – this was many years ago, early in our legal marriage. Negotiations went well (at a relatively high level of the Police Benevolent Fund) and no charges came to court and the fact that there had been a charge was ‘cleaned’.

In the reality of Thailand nothing happened. There never was a night in smiling, sultry Bangkok when two men threatened each other with guns. The reality is that one of the men was not subsequently arrested attempting to get another gun. It never happened.

Claus Moser, one time Director of the Central Statistical Office in the UK, suggested that actuate Official Statistics are the foundations of a functioning democracy. He was of course correct. How else would it be possible to frame social policy and measure its effectiveness?

So I suggest that if you have cause to look up ‘Gun crime Bangkok/Thailand Official Statistics 2003’ just add one.

What can I add?

This is a true story!!

What can I add to that?

Clearly imprisonment (in a Bangkok prison for god’s sake) was not a deterrent to further crime. But then the further crime never happened remember. Imprisonment was a deterrent to further crime. Confused? Never mind, the system is working in the functioning democracy of smiley Thailand, the statistics show this. All is well.

A lady in THE German bar once said to me, “What would Thailand do without farang?” I could have replied, “Amongst other things send more Thais to monkey house – well at least one.”

As another Thai woman has said to me (and this is a real and direct quote), “Thai boy always same if bad he think he have eorope vather…all ok”

Yes, it pays to have a farang around – even if ‘around’ is 5930 air miles away.

I AM Martin (still) and have been legally married to Ant for thirteen years.

A success.

I am neither dead (yet) nor bankrupt (yet).

That’s not all folks.